Breastfeeding - my experience

Almost 18 years ago now I had a baby. As all mums will tell you, it feels like it was yesterday, they grow so fast. What is it they say? 'The days are long but the years are short' ? Yes that sums up parenthood. Tiring, exhausting, but ultimately amazing and it's all gone in a blink and they are adults themselves.

When I became pregnant I decided I wanted to do everything naturally, or as natural as possible, though I didn't want a home birth. I felt that if everything went well then hospital would be OK and they could do the clean up, and if things went badly, I'd have the support I needed.


I also decided that I wanted to breastfeed my baby. At the time the advice was exclusive for 4 months and then introduce solids but keep breastfeeding alongside for as long as possible. (current World Health Oganisation advice can be found here) That all sounded fine to me and so I didn't buy and bottles, no formula, no sterilising kits. Nothing. I had boobs and I didn't need anything more.


The birth (a water birth) was easy and fairly swift, less than 12 hours. And DD (darling daughter)  was born with a shock of dark hair, eyes to fall into, like deep pools and a gaze with the knowledge of centuries, as babies tend to have. I was instantly in love and started feeding withing minutes of birth. Text book stuff, I stayed in hospital overnight and the midwives checked on my (and her) latch positioning regularly, they asked how things were, checked I was feeding on demand and were just lovely. The midwife that helped deliver her showed me the 'rugby ball hold' as DD preferred to feed on one side and Dave (the midwife) worried I'd get lopsided!


After 48 hours or so I went home and everything was fine, DD slept and ate and was as cute as the cutest button. Life was dreamy.

On day 5 after the birth I woke to discover my milk had 'come in'. What a misleading phrase, it conjures flowing rivers of creamy goodness when in reality it means your tits, whilst looking like a porn stars are suddenly rock hard and tender, engorged and not in a good way! Baby DD found her latch was no longer easy, she looked at me accusingly, suddenly she couldn't feed, and so she wailed. I wailed too. Hearing her wail my body cheerfully created more milk! I hurt! I wailed more, DD wailed. My poor husband looked on helplessly. After 12 hours things had got worse, not better and I was terrified that DD would die of thirst (I had no idea how resilient babies are!) I was hysterical, she was purple in the face from screaming and my husband said he was going to buy bottles and formula right away.


I broke down, felt like a failure, torn between not wanting to give up and feeding my child! Luckily I'm really stubborn. So instead of letting him go for formula I said we should phone the labour ward, they had said we could phone for any reason, at any time (it was now 10pm) I rang, they said to come straight in. And so we did.


The loveliest nurses and midwives in the world took DD for a walk around the ward to calm her (and, looking back on it maybe to give her a sly drink!) while another midwife made me tea and calmed me down. Then they brought a now calmer DD back in and helped her get a grip, it felt like they just held her head against my boob until she had no choice but to suck! But maybe it was more subtle than that.

Whatever they did it worked, she glugged (you could hear her glugging!) and emptied both breasts. Poor hungry baby - she then slept for about 8 hours. We went home and after that we didn't look back. DD continued breastfeeding as and when until she was 4 months when she was keen to eat! She raced up the centiles chart (chubster!) and then gradually settled when she started eating food. She continued to breastfeed until she was 10 months old, when she self weaned having discovered cups and food easier that the work needed to breastfeed! Such a cute and lazy baby.



The things I loved about breastfeeding were; the lack of preparation, you want milk, it's there (and no extras to carry when you go out) ; the snuggles, tiny pudgy hands massaging you as baby drinks, like a little kitten; the cheapness, I didn't buy bottles, or sterilisers; the supposed health benefits were just a bonus if I'm honest


My experience of breastfeeding was fabulous. I want other mums to know it can be great, and support can be great too - never be afraid to ask. If I hadn't had help I might have given up on day 5! I felt like a failure but mum's shouldn't, there is no reason you should be good at it! It's a skill and both you and baby have to learn. Take your time, get help, enjoy.

And if you don't breastfeed? That time is gone in a blink anyway - enjoy every precious second with your child.

From cot to big bed, a toddler rite of passage

This is a house in the Weald and Downland Museum - I'm not as old as you think!

It's been 16 years since I had to worry about moving a toddler from a cot to a big bed, but it's a topic that crops up often in parenting circles (obviously) so I often think about it. I was all set to give some advice to someone (who was asking for advice!) the other day, because I thought, 'it was so easy', but then I thought back to what actually happened, what we actually did and I wondered.

When DD was about 14 months old she was 'potty trained' (hate that phrase, but can't think of a better one, 'house trained'?) and was dry both day and night. She was still in her cot at night but during the day would often take herself off for a nap and often fell asleep on a sofa that was in her room. Soon it became a routine to suggest nap time and she'd just be happily settled on the sofa and nap. It seemed silly then to keep 'trapping' her in the cot so I started leaving the cot side down. She still went to bed and went to sleep with minimal fuss and all was fine.

When she turned 2 we moved house and it seemed the right time to move her to a 'big bed'. Taking this to an extreme we chose a midi-sleeper cabin bed with a ladder and space under for play and toy boxes. The higher beds of course have a slight guard rail so there was little danger of falls, and anyway she happily slept on a sofa and didn't fall off.

And so the cot went and a new exciting 'big girls bedroom' was born and she had moved beds, and there was no fuss, and we were brilliant parents and...

ah...I may not have told you the whole story, because to us you see the following bit just seemed normal and easy and obvious.

When DD woke in the night, which like many small children she often did, she would get out of bed, walk along to our room, and climb in with us.

I would wriggle over drowsily and we'd made space, and then we'd all fall asleep again until morning. I think maybe after the first couple of times we took her back to her own bed, but to be honest laziness and a lack of desire to drag ourselves up out of bed at 4am, meant that it quickly became the norm for her to snuggle in with us.

DD continued to come into our bed for a cuddle whenever she woke up until she was at least 9 years old! As she grew the times she did it grew fewer and fewer so that by the time she was 7 or 8 she might only come in once or twice a month and often at 6am, or 7am and then, one day, she just stopped coming in, and it was bitter sweet. Sometimes I still miss it.

And so, moving a toddler from a cot to a bed is really, really easy as long as you don't mind which bed they are moving to!

Am I a hippy co-sleeping mum? It didn't feel like it, and Mr TM is really old-school where parenting is concerned but even he said "if a little kid wants a cuddle in the night, let them cuddle, and then we all sleep better"

Have you done the move to a big bed for your kid(s)? Was it simple? and do you find you co-sleep now? I'd love to know if you found it easy or difficult and do you have any top tips for parents that are about to give up the cot?

Baby sleep, would you consider controlled crying?

Why would anyone leave a baby to cry?

I did.

Would I do it again? Most probably not if the circumstances were the same, but in some circumstances, yes, yes I'd try it, and before you shout me down here's what I did, and why I would, or wouldn't do it again.

When DD was born (17 years ago!)  I was a novice mum. I didn't have a lot of close friends living near and none that had babies. All my school mates had moved away and none were married. My mum lived hundreds of miles away. The Internet existed but not with social media like it is today. I joined a small message board of mums, they were almost all American, everything from our 'diaper' choices to feeding methods were very different, though everyone was friendly. Mostly I bought some books and took advice from my midwives and health visitors (who were all lovely and really helpful btw)

When DD was born I was able to take a year off from work and Mr TM was already retired (and planning to be a SAHD and DD's main carer when I went back to work) so we had a whole year, just us and a baby (and 2 dogs). In the first few weeks I didn't get much sleep. Although Mr TM slept in a separate room (so he could be awake in the day and do lots of the chores, walk the dogs etc,) night feeds, in fact all feeds, were provided by my boobs so I had to be awake. Feeding on demand was recommended (quite rightly imo) at least in the first weeks to help milk supply. A feed could take an hour with a 2 hour nap after (for DD!)  and then more feeding, so you can imagine how tired a breastfeeding mum is, also she's making milk, in itself tiring - medals all round ladies!

Also anyone that tells you to 'sleep when the baby sleeps' is an idiot. Do they suggest a quick nap in aisle 8 of Sainsbury? A 20 minute sleep while driving? A doze in the park while walking the dogs? You are using those 2 hour windows of sleeping baby to wash, eat, clean the house, chat to adults, just 'be'. 

 So by week six I was running on fumes. I had no idea at the time that I had Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease (which has the joyous side effect of making you more tired than 'normal' people, and making ordinary tasks more tiring still) so that may explain some of it, but what ever, by week 6, late one night as DD cried, after I'd tried feeding, changing, cuddles, singing, swearing, begging, crying (me not her)  I looked to books for advice and I read about letting babies cry.

In the 50s babies were encouraged to cry. It was 'good for their lungs', gave them some exercise, and, if done outside, got them some 'fresh air'. So it was with no surprise that I found many books that suggested the crying it out (CIO) method. This, apparently relied on checking everything was well with the baby, they were fed, burped, changed, clean and cuddled, and them popping them safely into pram or bed and leaving them to it. They would eventually fall asleep.

Even in my desperate state this sounded a tad tragic! Poor little baby, no doubt it would sob itself through hysteria into exhaustion and then fall asleep. So it would work, but at what cost? And wouldn't the baby get more distressed at each consecutive bedtime? Knowing and learning that bed and pram was a lonely prison?  No CIO was not for me.

Then I read about the controlled Crying method (CC) controlled crying started the same way, check baby was fed, burped, changed, clean and cuddled, and them popping them safely into pram or bed, but then not leaving them until they slept, but rather, settling them, saying a calm goodnight, and leaving, if they cried, waiting a minute before returning, settling the baby again, leaving, if they cried waiting 2 minutes, settling the baby again, leaving, if they cried waiting 3 minutes...and , well you get the picture. This I could cope with.

I tried it...the first night was hell. When your baby cries, a minute feels like about 30 years. You have been sitting staring at the clock for an eternity (a minute) and then you rush to the baby, soothe, settle, leave and repeat. I was more tired after the first night of CC than before I had tried it! (she eventually fell asleep after 10 minutes). The second night I tried again....she was asleep after  5 minutes, and the third night, she settled and went to sleep with no tears at all...and the most amazing thing was that she also slept all night (well from 11pm at last feed until 6am and first feed - but that's all night in my book!) And this continued. I had a six week old baby that just went to bed at 11pm and slept through! (I'm sorry if you hate me - I'm sure luck plays a huge part here too)

I was a changed woman. Days were fun again. I could walk the dogs, Mr TM and I could spend time (awake) together. I could do cooking and housework. A miracle.

But...would I do it again, probably not.

I think as I had a year off and a supportive husband at home I could have just weathered the lack of sleep for a few months until she gradually learned nighttime was no fun, and reserved for sleeping.

If circumstances were different however, if I had to go back to work, or had other children to care for in the day, or no husband at home, then yes, I think I would at least try it for a few days. I think that if the times were getting longer to take the baby to settle, I would stop. If after a few nights she still wasn't settled happily at bedtime, I'd stop. But I think for exhausted parents, with other things and other family to manage, who don't have the luxury of focusing totally on a new baby, then yes CC has a place.

The conclusion I've come to is that lots of things that are 'best for baby' don't take anyone else into consideration. It's nice of you can do what's 'best for baby' but there are other people in the house too, mum, dad (maybe 2 mums, 2 dads whatever, you get the picture) other children, and there may be a job you need to go to to have money to feed and clothe everyone. So sometimes, what is best for baby is a fully functioning household.

And so I don my flame suit and pop this (sure to be unpopular) opinion out onto the Internet. I'd love your comments.

Wordy Wednesday's author interview with Rebecca Ann Smith

Hello and welcome once again to Wordy Wednesday - today with Becky Smith, her first novel, Baby X, has just been published by small press Mother’s Milk Books. It’s a psychological thriller about motherhood, technology and medical ethics.

“Alex Mansfield, the doctor leading a groundbreaking project to grow a human foetus in an artificial uterus, has gone on the run and taken the newborn baby with her. While the child’s parents wait anxiously for news, and the world’s media clamour for answers, Alex’s colleagues are shocked by her actions. Has Alex stolen the baby, or is there another motive behind her disappearance?
Baby X weaves science and medical ethics into an intimate thriller; asking questions without offering easy answers.”

Ooh sounds most intriguing, and the sort of story I really like to read. So let's find out more about our author of the day.

Do you have another job or are you a full time author? If you do something else (international spy?) what is it and do you like it?
I’d love to say I was an international spy, but I’m actually an Associate Director of an arts and education charity based in Lewes, East Sussex. I do enjoy it – we do a lot of varied and interesting projects – but I do wish I had more time to write.
At the moment – between work, family and work to promote Baby X all my time is committed. So I’m getting up very early in the morning to write my next book.

When did you start writing?
I started writing stories and poems when I was tiny and wrote all throughout my teens. I lost confidence with it in my twenties – I think doing a degree and then a Master’s in English Literature didn’t help… And then I started again in my thirties when I finally admitted how much I missed making things up.

What 3 things are guaranteed to make you smile?
I listen to a lot of podcasts, some serious science ones but also quite a lot of comedy. Current faves for a guaranteed giggle include Adam Buxton and Answer Me This.
The look on my kids’ faces when they do something they think is hilarious (like a silent-but-deadly fart).
If all else fails, Emily Gilmore makes me smile.

Do you have any pets?
No pets I’m afraid. One day I’d like to own a bearded dragon which would sit on my shoulder as I write.

Who is your favourite author?
The greatest influence on Baby X was Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale. I wanted to combine serious ideas about technology, society, and feminism with a good story full of suspense and tension, the way Atwood did in that book – although I know I’ve got a long way to go before I could claim to write as well as her.

Which book(s) are you reading at the moment?
I’m beta reading a book by a friend of mine, Neil McIntosh. It’s a thriller about memory and it’s creepy as hell – I’m not sure what the final title will be but he’s a name to watch out for.
I recently read Laura Lipman’s Wilde Lake and absolutely loved it. And My Name is Leon by Kit de Waal made me cry.

Where do you do most of your writing?
I write at my desk which is in our living room, so is only ever quiet either very early in the morning, or when everyone else is at work and school.
I’m quite good at filtering out distractions, and have been known to wear earplugs to get some writing done whilst blocking the sound of Saturday morning cartoons.

Tell us about the character that you've written that you like the most - no spoilers!
My favourite character in the book is the doctor, Alex. She’s clever, hard-working and committed, but also spiky and difficult, and there are times we might have reason not to trust her version of events. She’s likeable, but not too likeable, if you know what I mean.

What is your favourite biscuit?
And now onto serious matters! I must admit there aren’t a lot of biscuits I *don’t* like. We brought a box of all butter Breton biscuits back from our holiday in France this year and I could eat those by the fistful.

Tea or Coffee?
Both please!

In the film of your life who would play you?
Probably Susan Sarandon (although she’s quite a bit older than me, so I’m not sure how that would work). I like how tough and no nonsense she is. Plus, great hair.
If a time machine was on offer, Katherine Hepburn.

If you could genetically cross an animal and a vegetable, what would you pick and why? I like the idea of a sweet potato panda, a soft of soft orange bear....
The sweet potato panda sounds very cute. Or a bright orange mango kitten.

Baby X is available from Amazon or direct from my publisher Mother’s Milk Books http://www.mothersmilkbooks.com/
Becky has a website and blog at www.rebeccaannsmith.co.uk and you can find her on Facebook
On Twitter as @beckysmithhurst
Becky is always up for chatting with other writers on Twitter – it’s one of her favourite procrastination techniques.

Dads are rubbish at housework and parenting

They are not, obviously; dads are are sometimes better, sometimes worse, often the same, as mums when it comes to housework and childcare. And now I've caught your attention let me tell you more. I can only tell you about my experience of course, but that will have to do.

When we brought DD home from the hospital she was just over a day old. A day. One day. A whole entire new being that we had made (to be fair I'd done the bulk of the work up until that point) and here she was, in our care. We didn't need a licence or a home check or any training, they just gave us this new person, wished us well and waved us goodbye.

New baby DD

During the first few days and nights each time she cried Mr TM would look at me with a worried look and ask "what does she want?" I would stare back and say "I have no idea, I only just met her!" and he would say "but you are her mum!" to which the only sensible reply was "and you are her dad!"

And that's the thing isn't it, just because I grew a tiny person in the wet life support system of my womb doesn't mean I know her any more than anyone else does. Of course there are things that happen,  milk appearing as if by magic when babies cry, which prompts a mum to offer a feed, but the terrible smell emanating from the bottom end of the baby which prompts a nappy change, is there for all to sniff! And so we learned. I was on maternity leave for a year and Mr TM had retired with the plan that he would stay home and look after DD when I went back to work. For a year we were together, learning about this new person, growing to know her ways, her likes and her (frequently violent) dislikes.

When I went back to work Mr TM became DDs main carer and so, spending longer with her, he became more attuned to her than I did. He knew that this week she hated rice pudding, or that she had decided a different teddy was needed at bedtime. He had always been the more organised one of the two of us, even now when DD has reached the frankly terrifying age of 16 he is still the one that does the laundry, cleans the bathrooms, hoovers the lounge.

I work full time and have since DD was a year old, she self weaned when I went back to work as I was out of the house (commuting to London) for such long periods of time each day, in fact the first 3 months I returned to work I didn't see her awake except at weekends. I relied on my husband telling me all the things they had been up to. The hilarious potty incidents, the difficulty in finding a public toilet to take her into, the things they had eaten out at cafes. Luckily I changed my job and avoided the long commute very quickly, and Mr TM and DD could come and visit me at lunchtimes, but still he was her main carer, the one that wiped her snot, dealt with nappy rash, became an expert on teething and knew the best way to deal with cradlecap.

DD shares a picnic with daddy

Mr TM grew with DD, becoming a rather awesome dad. Great at organising days out (where I invariably forgot something vital!), a whizz at packing a rucksack with 'essential baby things' but because he was the parent that stayed home, he also became the homemaker (a rather nice gender neutral Americanism). So it is still Mr TM who is in charge at home. He cleans the kitchen floor, he dusts, he brushes the sofa and plumps the cushions, he cleans the oven. In fact he does all of the things most people would see as 'womens' work' and sometimes he worries that other men will think less of him because he is not 'the bread winner'. I have told him time and time again that women find men that hoover, clean the bathroom and feed the children, to be just as attractive a prospect as one that works in the city, but I'd be lying if I said everyone thinks it's fine.

He has to put up with questions about why he doesn't work, questions that no woman would be asked, he also gets regularly enraged by the lazy stereotype used in the media , that husbands and men in general are hopeless fools around the house, that men can't do a load of laundry, clean a stove top or hoover a room without help from a clever lady. Or if they can do these things they are some sort of superhero. He had to suffer being the only man at 'mummy and baby' groups and was often confounded to be excluded from baby changing facilities that were hidden in the 'Ladies' toilets.

DD helps daddy clear the snow

Things have changed in those 16 years of course, and I know that now lots of dads are the main carers of their children either by choice or through circumstance. But I can't help but notice, among all the ranting about girls being forced to be pink princesses, that dads (and men) still get a bad rap where being homemakers and child carers are involved. So shall we just try and be inclusive? Let's remember there are great dads out there, terrible dads too, and mediocre dads, just like mums...

Much love from a very mediocre mum. Comments welcome on twitter or my facebook page.

Where I went to the Baby Show and bought a whisk

During half term I was invited to attend the Baby Show in London. I had a free day and despite being 50 and far from the land of fertility and new babies I decided to go. I felt it would be nice to discover some parenting innovations and also to sneer at some unnecessary rubbish designed to separate the worried new parent from their hard earned cash.

I took DD (Darling Daughter, aged 16) along with me as she too is an aspiring, though often lazy, blogger.

The Baby Show itself is a vast collection of brands vying to for your attention, housed in the Excel. I was expecting horrific crowds but while it was busy, it was pleasantly so, lots of keen young parents, both with children and with bumps and in some cases with both. There was plenty of space to move around, family friendly changing areas (yes dads are most welcome) and places to feed, grab a coffee and snack.

DD and I started the day with a taster first aid course hosted and taught by the Red Cross. While we felt pretty confident in how to treat burns, it was nice to be shown clearly how to deal with choking. I think that new parents (and any parents!) and anyone looking after small children would benefit from a first aid course. Prices around £45 for a 4 hour course, you can use their website to see what is available in your area.

Next we took a wander. I fell in love with the look of the iCandy buggies, I failed totally to look at any practicalities! But adored the smart styling and colour choices.

The Funky Giraffe bandanna style bibs made me want to have a baby to buy for! Practical for the dribbler in your life (DD was a terrible dribbler until she was at least 3!) they were so lovely to look at, soft, absorbant, and so many styles and themes, and best of all not even that expensive! From £2 each if you buy a few!

There were a lot of gorgeous bedroom ideas too, sweet little beds with tents over to create safe snuggly spaces, cots that fitted onto the side of the bed to allow co-sleeping without the pain of a child's elbow up your nose at 3am, rocking chairs to breastfeed in...

I loved the storage ideas too, with lots of personalisation choices.

While the UK doesn't yet give every new parent a baby box I did love the British Baby Box, which is based on the Finnish tradition and is packed with luxurious British sourced baby essentials for when you bring baby home – including a mattress and sheet so it can be doubled up as a baby’s first crib!   Prices are from £50 to £150. This would be a lovely gift for a new mum.

My favourite item (and I forgot to buy one at the show - fool that I am!) was the kneepal kneeler. It looks so simple, but the feel of the product, both firm and slightly soft (do not make me go there....) was just heaven, I really think my knees would love one of these. When we had DD we changed her on the floor a lot, and I got 'housemaid's knee' this would certainly prevent that! This is an item for anyone, every house needs one. They are available in a range of colours, check their page here. And they currently have a launch price of £20 (saving £5 on the regular price) - Trust me, you need one!

One thing we did buy, and which has been well used by DD is a whisk! A simple push style whisk, which is fab for making milkshakes.

Another fun find was Squid soap, where a quick pump of the soap stamps your hand with a dot of colour, an encouragement to toddlers to wash their hands properly - the only problem I could see with this was that it might be too successful and they'd use up all the soap in an afternoon!

I confess that being 'older' most of the things I really liked were simple and relatively cheap. Hand held manual breast-pumps, self sterilising bottles etc. There were all sorts of electronic gadgets to make life easier of course, but I tended to feel they were an unnecessary expense, maybe nice if you have the money, but in many cases more trouble than they are worth.

So in summing up my day, if you are expecting a baby or have a small one already, the Baby Show is an excellent day out. You will see a million things you think you need, (you don't) and you will see a good few things that you actually could make use of. The exhibitors often have discounts on products if you buy on the day so take cash or cards! If you plan to buy, take the car - at Excel the parking was only £15 all day - a huge saving vs the train!

There are still baby shows to catch this year at Birmingham (13th - 15th May 2016) and London (21st - 23rd October) . With tickets from between £14 - £20 depending how far in advance you buy them

For full details of all the exhibitors and displays etc check out the Baby Show website

Something you think I should know? Let me know on my Facebook page.

Bundle of Baby Things - giveaway

As you know, the lovely DD is 15 and thus not a baby.

When she was a baby I was the sort of mum that bought the minimum amount of stuff that I considered  properly essential for a baby. A few baby gros, some towelling nappies, a cot. I think that was pretty much it. But there is so much you can buy isn't there? Wipes, baby baths, chairs, monitors, sterilisers...

And now there is even more choice, some things I confess are rather a good idea. Like a disposable nappy kit to grab when you are off out, everything you need in one handy grab pack - perfect to stash in the car or shove into a coat pocket or your bag.

Or teething rings, and even I needed baby bum cream on occasion (not for me! for the baby!)

Then if you choose to use a bottle for formula or expressed milk you need that...so you'll be pleased to hear I have a little bundle of goodies to give away.

Usual drill, UK only, enter using the Rafflecopter thingy below.


a Rafflecopter giveaway

The virtual baby

Dd is studying child development as one of her gcse options. Part of the course involves looking after a virtual baby for a weekend. These dolls were created to show young adults some of the reality of having a baby. Of course you don't get lots of the horror, no poo, no vomit, no worryingly unexpected high temperatures or rashes. But you don't get much of the fun either, no squishy cuddles, no laughs, no smiles, no kicking feet. But you do get to experience the thing all new parents get, a lack of sleep.

DD has always been very keen on children. She adores babies and kids, so I was surprised at her reaction to the baby.

Day one, the baby is set to react like a newborn. It wakes and sleeps at all times of the day and night, it constantly wants feeding or changing (they have nappies with little sensors in, so the computer in the baby can tell if you actually changed the nappy) but unlike real babies it's never especially cute. It seems that they are mostly annoying or boring. The first night the baby did not want to sleep at 9pm, DD's normal bedtime, by the time she was ready for bed it was 10pm, I wen to bed then too. The baby woke in the night, waking me each time too, at midnight, 2am, 3.45am, 5am and then again at about 6am. I had to go to work and I left an exhausted and pissed off dd at home.

During the day the baby continued to be needy and DD continued being annoyed. By the evening I was actually concerned for the fake babies safety and took it into the hall for a while to rock it as it cried. Poor DD she was determined by this stage that she would never have children!

Day two the baby is set to behave a few weeks older. Last night the baby slept more, but still woke several times. The joy of nappy changing on a virtual baby is the lack of poo, the non existent risk of an explosive nappy and the need to change all the baby's clothes plus bath it and change all the cot sheets. But on the downside there are no cheeky grins or raspberries. DD is finding it hard to 'like' the virtual baby. It gives nothing back to the virtual parent.

The day went better though, the baby was more settled and fed and cried less.

Day three. Last day to be a mum. DD was into her stride by now, recognising the various cries and sorting the baby's problems really quickly. Sadly she still doesn't really get anything from it - it's very automated now, just a quick feed, burp, nappy change, no eye contact no snuggles.

When she woke on the morning the baby was due to be returned she said "oh wow I had a great nights sleep!" and I asked if the baby had slept though, "No, she replied but it only woke once at 1am it was bliss" haha I think maybe she will make a mum after all.

Our view of the virtual baby is that as it's designed to show children what a real baby is like and put them off parenthood too early it sort of works. But it's a bit of a cheat, it gives you the noisy bits of the baby but that's really all it does, there is no mess, no making up of feeds, (no breastfeeding and subsequent sore nipples!) no bathing. And there are no real nice bits at all, no cuddles, no smiles, no kicking feet or grabbing your finger. One thing she did say "This would be so much easier with someone to help" It's a reasonable tool but i think maybe I should borrow a real baby for DD ... anyone need a break ... for a few minutes? Before she gets annoyed and gives the baby back?

Breastfeeding on demand...the demand of £200

Where to start.

Twitter is all of a twitter about a trial taking place in the UK to try and increase breastfeeding rates among 'deprived' families (its always 'deprived' families isn't it? I'm never quite sure what that means, poor? badly educated? both?) You would think that this would be a good thing. But I fear that the way the trial team are going about it and the reaction from almost everyone means it is not a good idea at all.

Me with DD

The plan is to give mothers £200 of vouchers for a supermarket if they continue to breastfeed for 6 months. Leaving aside the issues around mothers or babies that cannot breastfeed, how would this even be policed? Would a health visitor take your word for it? Search the house (maybe using trained sniffer dogs) to hunt out tins of SMA? Test the baby like an athlete in training for 'banned substances'? "I'm sorry Mrs Brown your baby has tested positive for Aptamil" Watch you feed? A very weird situation whatever.

And what of the actual idea, that £200 would make you change the way you fed your baby. Most mothers I know made a choice based on knowledge and support at the time. £200 would not have made me NOT breastfeed, and when I asked twitter mothers that didn't breastfeed agreed that it wouldn't have made them do it. What many many mothers said was that more support would have helped them keep feeding. Places to feed in public, health visitors and midwives that didn't just suggest a bottle when feeding was difficult, someone to sit with them while they fed, someone to help with housework or look after the other children so they could feed in peace. A LAW preventing comments when they did decide to feed in public (well done Scotland)

Radio 4 interviewed a few women in London and none of them thought it was a good idea, all thought it wouldn't change what they did, and many thought extra help and support would be a better use of the money.

And of course many people think it is unfair. The NHS has already used cash incentives to get people to stop smoking and to lose weight. It seems that taking an unhealthy option gets you cash! (not that not breastfeeding is unhealthy obviously) What next? You get to the drive thru at Mc Donald's and a voice says "What meal would you like sir? or would you prefer to just have the £10 from the government for eschewing junk food?" What of all the parents that are struggling to do their best and are not given £200.

And the silliest thing is that breastfeeding is its own financial reward!! You don't need to eat much more to make milk (in fact eating well but normally will get you back into shape quicker) Formula is expensive as are bottles and sterilising equipment. Breastfeeding is almost free!

As to the whole issue of women's bodies...I'm a very pro breastfeeding sort of woman but it is your body! To be bribed with £200 to do something you didn't want to? Imagine being told "women now to be paid £50 for having sex with their husband when he's keen but they are not in the mood"? (actually I bet some of you are already choosing new shoes based on that idea...but anyway)

It's all wrong.

The UK has the lowest breastfeeding rates in the WORLD according to the Dr on Radio 4 this morning. We need a change in attitudes and support, not cash.

Programs on TV like 'Health Freaks' where Dr Pixie squeals "ooh breast milk has a bit of a yuk factor doesn't it" while cringing at the idea of a man drinking breast milk don't help! It's MILK, you drink milk for COWS, that you have never met and had coffee with so why get all fussed at a woman you know providing milk?

We need to get a grip. Women make milk, it's our super power. We should support all women, including

those that choose not to use that super power. Women need help, support and kindness not cash to help us be better mothers. We are all being the best mothers we can be, don't alienate groups of us. Breastmilk or formula, a happy baby and a happy mum is what we should aim for.

I'm glad this is only a trial. We shall see what effect it has but I hope all factors are taken into account and that maybe a trial of extra help and support is run alongside it.

What do you think? Would £200 have changed your mind? Do 'poor' mothers really need that £200 or would explaining the natural savings be enough? How bribe-able are you?

If you are struggling with breastfeeding you may find this link helpful.

Mummy Bloggers

I hate the term 'mummy blogger' (I may have mentioned this, at length, before) I hate the whole image, some woman who is 'just a mum' (don't get me started) who sits around reading Woman's Own, listening to Woman's Hour and eating chocolate while her husband earns all the cash and then sometimes she writes a review of some nappy sacks.

Now I KNOW that is not what all you lovely mummy bloggers are actually like, I know because whether I like it or not I am one of you (also I've met a few of you and without a shadow of a doubt all ace!). I'm a mummy (clue's in the name) and I blog (clue's in what you are reading), ipso facto I'm a mummy blogger. And |I'm none of the above. I work full time (blogging in lunch breaks and evenings) I rant about politics, gender issues and food. I hate Woman's Hour (though I've I've actually been on it) and I have a SAHD for a husband who does all the house-y stuff.

And then I thought, what if I WAS that sort of person though, what if I was 'just a mum' (I know I know - I told you don't get me started) if I was a mum that blogged about being pregnant, varicose veins, pelvic floor weakness and vomit. What if my reviews were of changing bags and nappies and I ranted about public toilets (or lack of them) and baby changing facilities, would it be so bad if I was that woman? and you know what, it wouldn't be bad at all! If written well that sort of stuff is BLOODY AWESOME because being a mummy is BLOODY AWESOME and if you can share the ups and downs in a moving and yet still hilarious way then a blog like that would be gold dust, gold dust I tell you!!!

And so I present to you my new favourite blog, a blog by a mummy, about being a mummy, and it's BLOODY AWESOME! so I have finally, after far too long probably, embraced the mummy blogger (metaphorically - it would be a tad stalkerish otherwise) I'm proud to be amongst this illustrious group of super humans. Go, Read one of the funniest yet gentlest blogs I've read in donkeys' years.

I give you The Confinement Chronicles, my favourite post is ...nope can't decide they are all hilarious, have enjoyed the frankly adorable post on being pregnant far too long, and laughed like a drain (appropriately) at the take on the bladder of a pregnant person.

Go ahead and check her out, But do come back, I'll miss you

And look, she's only on Twitter too! follow! follow!

It is fine to be offended by public breastfeeding...

It is fine to be offended by public breastfeeding...or any breastfeeding.
You can be repulsed by it, loathe it, find it vile and disgusting.
You may if you like actually feel physically sick when you see a woman breastfeeding.
That is your right.
I myself find spiders to be loathsome and vile.
Everyone has a right to be disgusted by anything.
We can't help it.

I could tell you that breastfeeding is natural (it is), beautiful (it is), that it is brilliant for both mum and baby (it is), I could tell you that it can be hard and that mums need a medal even for trying to breastfeed in many cases (they do) but just as you could tell me that spiders are harmless (yeah yeah) that they are miracles of nature (I hear you) that they rid the house of nasty dirty flies (yep again) and neither of us would be convinced. I would still feel disgust when i see an arachnid and you would still feel ill seeing a woman breastfeeding. It's your right of course, I can't tell you how to feel. Neither can any one else.

You are allowed to be disgusted by a perfectly natural and beautiful thing.

What you are NOT ALLOWED to do is ask a woman to stop, to ask her to 'be more discreet' or to 'cover up'. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED to ask a cafe owner to move the lady to another table 'at the back' YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED to ask her to feed her baby in the toilet, or to point at her, to make a fuss, to embarrass her. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED to complain to her or those around you, to harass her.

You are allowed to look away. To move away, to use another cafe, to eat your sandwiches in the toilet.

You are free to be disgusted, just as I am of spiders, but you are not suddenly allowed to assume the world is an adult only space, or that a baby eating should be hidden away.

And to all breastfeeding mums reading this. I salute you.

oh and I don't kill spiders - I know it's my problem, not theirs

Awarded 5th April 2012

  
 

Choosing a name for a baby is choosing a name for an adult too

When we decided to have a child it was a huge decision, I was already 33 and my hubby is 20 years my senior, so you can imagine all the things we considered and worried about and of course the biggest decision was

What shall we call the baby!

We have an Italian surname and so Hubby wanted to give our child an Italian name. I am a huge fan of ‘real’ names, no Apples, Chardonnays, or Nevaehs here,, I also have a bit of a thing about giving someone a name that is a shortened form of a real name, so no Jacks, Jennies, Charlies, Sams, etc etc

I think that a name should be for an adult too, you are not naming a baby or a toddler, you are naming a person. So while Princess is cute at 3 it’s going to be embarrassing at 39 (IMO). And of course there was the Dr test and the stripper test.

You try the name in the following sentences

“Paging Dr ………….. to A&E immediately”

“ and now introducing, with her/his own snake, all the way from Vegas …………”

So for me, no Sugars, no Cherrys, no Juniors, no Tarzans. (yes I'm a snob, shhh)

Finally we knew what we didn’t want. We also wanted a middle name to honour a grandparent, we decided on my parent’s name for a boy and his for a girl. (Both would be ‘Italianised’)

But a first name? Boys names we disagreed on, I wanted Luciano, he wanted Alberto..”like the shampoo?!” I asked incredulously, he had never heard of it and rejected my complaints. “Luciano would be shortened to Lucky” he said “like the gangster, I won’t give a son of mine a gangster name” “ah” says I “because there was never a gangster called Al?” Stalemate… luckily we didn’t have a boy.

Soon into the pregnancy we knew we were having a girl and searched for names. We liked Isabella but it was so popular I feared she would be one of several in her class – did I mention I also dislike popular! Ha!

The suddenly one day hubby read an article in the Sunday times supplement…and there was the name right there, as soon as he said it we fell in love with it and that is why we chose it, as soon as we saw it we loved it and it suits her to a tee, it is beautiful but can be shortened to something quirky and cute and tomboyish yet the full name is glamorous and unusual (in the UK at least) and so she became Rafaela, Raffy or Raff for short. And I still love it.

Ground Hog day – a story of happy

I had no idea of this bizarre American tradition until I saw the movie of the same name, and to many I think that ‘ground hog day’ is, due to the movie, synonymous with the idea of a repeated day.
I’m sure you’ve sometimes come to the end of a day with a feeling of relief ‘thank god that’s over’ and a horror that a day might be repeated.

A while ago I had an idea for a meme, along the theme of repetition but rather than one of horror, one of joy, and rather than just a day, a year. A year of you life that you loved and really wouldn’t mind living again.

Maybe it would be your first year! A year of cosy cuddles, warm milk, love and sleep. Or a year from your early years before school, or even of school age, where there were long summer holidays spent fishing in streams or playing on the beach. Perhaps you didn’t have an idyllic childhood, so you would rather forget it, rather relive your first year at university, free at last, drinking, partying (studying a bit), or the year you got a promotion and a job you loved. The year you got married, finally realised who you wanted to be with (even if this changed later). So many great moments in life to relive.

At first I thought that my repeated year would be when I was 19. I was supposed to be resitting my A levels but instead I was discovering young love and nightclubbing. It was the 80s all wild hairstyles, new romantics and flirting. I had a ‘proper’ boyfriend for the first time. I got my own flat, a job and started to feel like a person separate from home life, finally an adult…but…

But the more I thought about it the more I realised the actual year I would choose to relive again and would be the first year of DDs life. I was lucky enough to have the most delightful birthing experience ever, so I’d start the year right when my waters broke. I had a water birth and was home next day. I was lucky enough to be able to take a year off work and had a husband at home too (as he had retired) we had a puppy and a young dog and now a new baby. A baby that learned to feed after a panicky start and then slept through the night like an angel after about 6 weeks. That Summer was filled with country walks and sunshine. A young baby discovering a world around her, filling us with love and laughter everyday.

We used an off road buggy so that we could take the dogs for walks by the canal, along the river and across the South Downs.

We visited museums, beautiful country houses, the beach, Wales… We also went to Butlins and toddler soft play areas. We took her for pub lunches (she didn’t drink as much as I did).

Going back to work at the end of that year was the hardest thing I ever did. I was commuting to London, trying to be a mum while out of the house 5 days a week from 6am until 9.30pm. I didn’t see her awake for days at a time. My lovely husband called it a day when he saw me crying over the cot one morning. So I started working closer to home. I would stop my repeated year right before I went back to work.

But would I want to repeat the year over and over for ever? Of course not. I would miss each year that DD grew older. The hilarious things she said as she learned to talk. Her bright take on life. Seeing my husband being a brilliant dad and teaching her things that I can’t (like music and maths). And now that she is approaching the dreaded teens she still makes me laugh with her wicked dry wit.
So what year would you repeat and why? Tell me the happiest time of your life, and I sincerely hope that future years will be even better.

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Ranty Ranty Rant (in which our hero rants)

So NetMums has annoyed me. An article in the news says that they did a survey and mothers admitted to ‘lying’ about how much quality time they spend with their kids, what they cook and feed their children and how much TV they allow kids to watch. Etc etc

The reason for this lying is apparently to keep up with other parents, and the moral is that we can all relax as everyone is lying.

This makes me angry on 2 counts. Number 1 is pretty obvious to anyone that knows me and it’s because I don’t lie, and neither does my hubby, I include him because he’s the stay at home parent in our house, he’s the one that cooks DDs meals from scratch (I recently taught him Bolognese sauce! LOL) and he’s the one that sits with DD to do homework, the one that helps, encourages and listens while she practices her clarinet. I’m the one that drives her to horse riding, bakes muffins with her, takes her to her music lessons ( and yes, I admit it – we have middle class pursuits and you know what? I don’t care!) which leads me on to the second reason it annoys me. (to be fair, it annoys NetMums too and it’s part of what the are saying but not all, because they are happy to assume everyone lies, which as I’ve pointed out, they don’t!)

I’m annoyed because of the reason parents supposedly feel compelled to lie. Once again it’s to feel good about themselves. Parents that lie are lying because they see their parenting as substandard, and they lie to sound closer to the ideal parent. Well here is a newsflash

THERE IS NO PERFECT PARENT

Really, we are all learning and all our kids are different , we, and they, are all individuals. Maybe your kid watches TV from when they get in until bedtime every day, maybe you are a vegetarian and they only eat organic, maybe you breastfed for 6 years or you formula fed from birth, maybe you work and your kid goes to breakfast club, maybe your 11yo has a TV in the bedroom or you have no TV in the house. IT DOESN’T MATTER!! We all love our kids, we all do the best we can for them and for us. As Janet street Porter said today on Radio 4 “There is your way and there is the wrong way” there is always someone ready to bash your choices, always a ‘study’ somewhere to show you are ‘parenting wrongly’ so get a grip, DON’T LIE be proud that you are a parent, a parent who may struggle, may yell, may use the TV as a babysitter so you can get time for a shower, a parent that may (shock) allow a toddler to share your bed because it means you all get to sleep. Whatever you do, if it works for you and your child be proud of it! Stop lying! 

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What is a birth plan and do you need one?

When you are pregnant you may find people suggest you write a ‘birth plan’. This will list all your wants, your desires and plans for your perfect birth. It may list ‘no drugs’ or ‘water birth’, it may specify ‘husband to be present through out’ or ‘don’t let my mother in!’. Your wishes and desires from the extremely medical ‘I do not with for an epidural’ or ‘I do not want an episiotomy’ to the weird and wonderful ‘I would prefer only blue towels if my baby is a boy’, will be written out and probably discussed with your midwife or healthcare provider. Your midwife will probably have input and suggestions too, mine pointed out things I’d added that were irrelevant as they were not done in the UK any way (I grabbed a birth plan template online and as we know, the ‘net is American!) and then finally the master plan is complete. You can rest easy knowing all is prepared…..

I was lucky, I followed my birth plan, nothing went wrong, nothing deviated from my plan, hubby was pleased as he found that when he was asked (as I was, but I was shouting just get the f*cking baby out!) whether a student could come and witness the birth of our daughter, he could confidently say ‘No, we did specify no students on the birth plan’ he was happy with what I wanted as was able to act on my behalf when all I could do was grunt or swear. ( I had a water birth if you are interested, with a tens machine to start with, before the water! And then gas and air as my only pain relief! Go me!! Haha)

But not all women are so lucky, maybe you asked for a ‘natural birth’ but when the pain kicked in you knew you wanted an epidural, maybe you’d longed for a vaginal birth in a dimly lit room to music, but ended up with a caesarean in a brightly lit theatre (operating theatre obviously – unless you’re a real show off) well don’t despair…

I like to compare the birth plan to a journey plan. If you take a trip you check the map, you look at the best routes, if the journey is long you may plan stops at service stations, or decide to take your own sandwiches. You may write down the major road and towns you will pass through, and then you set off! But oh no! traffic is terrible, you need to divert as the motorway is blocked! The dog weed on the sandwiches so you need an unscheduled stop at a Burger King, and then you realise you pass near a lovely castle and make a detour to see it. At the end of the journey you arrive.

The birth plan and the journey plan are the same, they are a plan, not a blueprint, a plan, a hope for what you would like to happen, it maybe the journey (or the birth ) is different to the plan, maybe worse due to long delays or better due to the detour to look at a view but the end of the journey is reached and you have a baby…..(did I get muddled some where there?)

Don’t feel bad that the M4 was closed at junction 12, or that the birthing pool was in use by another mum, it just happens, plans change. The important thing is you planned and then you got where you needed to go, by the most appropriate method available.

Did you have a birth plan? Did you stick to it? Would you have one again? (I know I would)

NHS Choices have a Birthplan template - Click here to see it, and answer the questions. It creates a printable form. It's long, but there are lots of things to consider!

Maternity network have a nice natural birthplan here.

Wean me gently, a poem about breastfeeding..................

This is a poem by Cathy Cardall it was brought to my attention by @radicalactivist -  and I love it and wanted to share! (it made me all weepy at the end)

Wean me gently

I know I look so big to you,

Maybe I seem too big for the needs I have.

But no matter how big we get,

We still have needs that are important to us.

I know that our relationship is growing and changing,

But I still need you. I need your warmth and closeness,

Especially at the end of the day

When we snuggle up in bed.

Please don't get too busy for us to nurse.

I know you think I can be patient,

Or find something to take the place of a nursing;

A book, a glass of something,

But nothing can take your place when I need you.

Sometimes just cuddling with you,

Having you near me is enough.

I guess I am growing and becoming independent,

But please be there.

This bond we have is so strong and so important to me,

Please don't break it abruptly.

Wean me gently,

Because I am your mother,

And my heart is tender.

Too angry and upset to type much

This story about how a women would not be able to look after her own baby made me so sad and so angry I don't even know where to begin. (social workers can now predict the future based on no evidence at all it seems?)

but I had hoped that when the baby was born all would be well, she'd be given support and the family would prove doubters wrong. Seems I'm too optimistic, she didn't even have a chance, due to MILD learning difficulties Kerry Robertson has had her baby taken away at a few days old (when she was trying to breastfeed exclusively as is recommended by WHO) and now can only see him every other day.

You can read more for yourself here. But if you are a parent (or even a teeny bit caring) I suggest you have tissues to hand and maybe a stress ball or punchbag!

Even if this does get sorted out and baby Ben is returned to his parents, he has missed out on vital feeding days, and his family have been traumatised and will be affected for life. I am ashamed, ashamed that this can happen in a country that claims to care about people. I am praying for her and her family because right now I don't know how else to help. (suggestions welcomed)

The couple have been allowed to see their son for two hours every other day.

Miss Robertson said: ‘Holding him made me upset all over again. I’ve told the social workers I don’t want him to have bottled milk or a dummy. I feel breastfeeding is so important and at least then he is still having some of me.’

If this had happened abroad say in India we'd all be saying, "oh but that's because they are not like us, not caring, not a state with money to help" etc etc

and oddly India does indeed seem different to us just look here

“Initially, we were concerned about the way the mother would react. But surprisingly, she is taking good care of her child. She has become very active, lively, mature and cheerful. Earlier, she used to be a depressed and quiet person,” Ratnam said. “Also, she very well realises the fact that Pari is her child. The name Pari was suggested by her only. She is very attached to her.”

A great debate on the rights of the FATHER in this case here