Toilet Breaks won't Break a Child

Some UK schools are restricting the use of toilets both in lesson and break time.

When I was at school you raised your hand and asked to go, the teacher said yes, you went, you came back. End of story. And there were breaks between classes too, so you could nip in then. I never saw any problem with this. It all worked fine.

I assume schools in their ongoing battle to subdue teach children have decided some children are abusing the privilege right to go to the toilet when they need to. As we all know, children are terrible at knowing when they need to go, and hopeless at planning, even as teenagers; and of course when children start menstruating that can strike at any time! Nothing worse than feeling that sudden trickle of blood and knowing you need the loo trip NOW!

My opinion, and what's the point of being an old woman online if you can't have opinions! Is that children should be allowed to go to the toilet when they damn well please. Will the entire class rush out to the loo at once? maybe; and here I shrug, because teachers...this is on you. It's your job to keep the class entertained and engaged enough to learn. 

Children should want to be in your class, they should excitedly hope you are going to do that fun thing you do, tell a joke like you do, have a pop test with prizes, ask a class member to stand up and teach for five minutes, whatever your class loves you should be using to entrance them. Children should be hoping they don't need the loo in your class because your class is great! And headteachers should be supporting you in that, with time, with resources, and with faith in your teaching. And the government should be supporting all of that too!

Stop worrying about toilets. Start thinking about teaching so no one wants to miss it.

Dads are rubbish at housework and parenting

They are not, obviously; dads are are sometimes better, sometimes worse, often the same, as mums when it comes to housework and childcare. And now I've caught your attention let me tell you more. I can only tell you about my experience of course, but that will have to do.

When we brought DD home from the hospital she was just over a day old. A day. One day. A whole entire new being that we had made (to be fair I'd done the bulk of the work up until that point) and here she was, in our care. We didn't need a licence or a home check or any training, they just gave us this new person, wished us well and waved us goodbye.

New baby DD

During the first few days and nights each time she cried Mr TM would look at me with a worried look and ask "what does she want?" I would stare back and say "I have no idea, I only just met her!" and he would say "but you are her mum!" to which the only sensible reply was "and you are her dad!"

And that's the thing isn't it, just because I grew a tiny person in the wet life support system of my womb doesn't mean I know her any more than anyone else does. Of course there are things that happen,  milk appearing as if by magic when babies cry, which prompts a mum to offer a feed, but the terrible smell emanating from the bottom end of the baby which prompts a nappy change, is there for all to sniff! And so we learned. I was on maternity leave for a year and Mr TM had retired with the plan that he would stay home and look after DD when I went back to work. For a year we were together, learning about this new person, growing to know her ways, her likes and her (frequently violent) dislikes.

When I went back to work Mr TM became DDs main carer and so, spending longer with her, he became more attuned to her than I did. He knew that this week she hated rice pudding, or that she had decided a different teddy was needed at bedtime. He had always been the more organised one of the two of us, even now when DD has reached the frankly terrifying age of 16 he is still the one that does the laundry, cleans the bathrooms, hoovers the lounge.

I work full time and have since DD was a year old, she self weaned when I went back to work as I was out of the house (commuting to London) for such long periods of time each day, in fact the first 3 months I returned to work I didn't see her awake except at weekends. I relied on my husband telling me all the things they had been up to. The hilarious potty incidents, the difficulty in finding a public toilet to take her into, the things they had eaten out at cafes. Luckily I changed my job and avoided the long commute very quickly, and Mr TM and DD could come and visit me at lunchtimes, but still he was her main carer, the one that wiped her snot, dealt with nappy rash, became an expert on teething and knew the best way to deal with cradlecap.

DD shares a picnic with daddy

Mr TM grew with DD, becoming a rather awesome dad. Great at organising days out (where I invariably forgot something vital!), a whizz at packing a rucksack with 'essential baby things' but because he was the parent that stayed home, he also became the homemaker (a rather nice gender neutral Americanism). So it is still Mr TM who is in charge at home. He cleans the kitchen floor, he dusts, he brushes the sofa and plumps the cushions, he cleans the oven. In fact he does all of the things most people would see as 'womens' work' and sometimes he worries that other men will think less of him because he is not 'the bread winner'. I have told him time and time again that women find men that hoover, clean the bathroom and feed the children, to be just as attractive a prospect as one that works in the city, but I'd be lying if I said everyone thinks it's fine.

He has to put up with questions about why he doesn't work, questions that no woman would be asked, he also gets regularly enraged by the lazy stereotype used in the media , that husbands and men in general are hopeless fools around the house, that men can't do a load of laundry, clean a stove top or hoover a room without help from a clever lady. Or if they can do these things they are some sort of superhero. He had to suffer being the only man at 'mummy and baby' groups and was often confounded to be excluded from baby changing facilities that were hidden in the 'Ladies' toilets.

DD helps daddy clear the snow

Things have changed in those 16 years of course, and I know that now lots of dads are the main carers of their children either by choice or through circumstance. But I can't help but notice, among all the ranting about girls being forced to be pink princesses, that dads (and men) still get a bad rap where being homemakers and child carers are involved. So shall we just try and be inclusive? Let's remember there are great dads out there, terrible dads too, and mediocre dads, just like mums...

Much love from a very mediocre mum. Comments welcome on twitter or my facebook page.

Where I went to the Baby Show and bought a whisk

During half term I was invited to attend the Baby Show in London. I had a free day and despite being 50 and far from the land of fertility and new babies I decided to go. I felt it would be nice to discover some parenting innovations and also to sneer at some unnecessary rubbish designed to separate the worried new parent from their hard earned cash.

I took DD (Darling Daughter, aged 16) along with me as she too is an aspiring, though often lazy, blogger.

The Baby Show itself is a vast collection of brands vying to for your attention, housed in the Excel. I was expecting horrific crowds but while it was busy, it was pleasantly so, lots of keen young parents, both with children and with bumps and in some cases with both. There was plenty of space to move around, family friendly changing areas (yes dads are most welcome) and places to feed, grab a coffee and snack.

DD and I started the day with a taster first aid course hosted and taught by the Red Cross. While we felt pretty confident in how to treat burns, it was nice to be shown clearly how to deal with choking. I think that new parents (and any parents!) and anyone looking after small children would benefit from a first aid course. Prices around £45 for a 4 hour course, you can use their website to see what is available in your area.

Next we took a wander. I fell in love with the look of the iCandy buggies, I failed totally to look at any practicalities! But adored the smart styling and colour choices.

The Funky Giraffe bandanna style bibs made me want to have a baby to buy for! Practical for the dribbler in your life (DD was a terrible dribbler until she was at least 3!) they were so lovely to look at, soft, absorbant, and so many styles and themes, and best of all not even that expensive! From £2 each if you buy a few!

There were a lot of gorgeous bedroom ideas too, sweet little beds with tents over to create safe snuggly spaces, cots that fitted onto the side of the bed to allow co-sleeping without the pain of a child's elbow up your nose at 3am, rocking chairs to breastfeed in...

I loved the storage ideas too, with lots of personalisation choices.

While the UK doesn't yet give every new parent a baby box I did love the British Baby Box, which is based on the Finnish tradition and is packed with luxurious British sourced baby essentials for when you bring baby home – including a mattress and sheet so it can be doubled up as a baby’s first crib!   Prices are from £50 to £150. This would be a lovely gift for a new mum.

My favourite item (and I forgot to buy one at the show - fool that I am!) was the kneepal kneeler. It looks so simple, but the feel of the product, both firm and slightly soft (do not make me go there....) was just heaven, I really think my knees would love one of these. When we had DD we changed her on the floor a lot, and I got 'housemaid's knee' this would certainly prevent that! This is an item for anyone, every house needs one. They are available in a range of colours, check their page here. And they currently have a launch price of £20 (saving £5 on the regular price) - Trust me, you need one!

One thing we did buy, and which has been well used by DD is a whisk! A simple push style whisk, which is fab for making milkshakes.

Another fun find was Squid soap, where a quick pump of the soap stamps your hand with a dot of colour, an encouragement to toddlers to wash their hands properly - the only problem I could see with this was that it might be too successful and they'd use up all the soap in an afternoon!

I confess that being 'older' most of the things I really liked were simple and relatively cheap. Hand held manual breast-pumps, self sterilising bottles etc. There were all sorts of electronic gadgets to make life easier of course, but I tended to feel they were an unnecessary expense, maybe nice if you have the money, but in many cases more trouble than they are worth.

So in summing up my day, if you are expecting a baby or have a small one already, the Baby Show is an excellent day out. You will see a million things you think you need, (you don't) and you will see a good few things that you actually could make use of. The exhibitors often have discounts on products if you buy on the day so take cash or cards! If you plan to buy, take the car - at Excel the parking was only £15 all day - a huge saving vs the train!

There are still baby shows to catch this year at Birmingham (13th - 15th May 2016) and London (21st - 23rd October) . With tickets from between £14 - £20 depending how far in advance you buy them

For full details of all the exhibitors and displays etc check out the Baby Show website

Something you think I should know? Let me know on my Facebook page.

Phones at bedtime and teenagers

Teens that take a phone to bed are more tired in the day than teens that don't. Being tired can affect mental health. So a study has revealed. Did we really need a study to tell us that? I have a teen and like me she is addicted to her phone, though for different reasons. I'm a twitter addict while she is all about snapchat and youtubers. As soon as she arrives in a wifi zone (she has limited data) she is clued to a 4 inch screen. It was interesting to see in the study that using multiple devices is common too as Dd often watches YouTube on her laptop while listening to music and snapchatting, and checking Facebook!

At bedtime it's tempting to spend a few relaxing minutes laying in bed reading stuff on your phone (or in her case watching a quick video) rather than reading a book or just going to sleep. The temptation is stronger if the phone sits there by the bed (mine does as I use it as an alarm) and if you are a teen apparently the temptation is then to check each beep during the night.

I don't know about you but I put my phone on to 'silent' (no vibrate either!) at night. So when I do finally say goodnight to the little twitter people in the phone, I go to sleep and sleep soundly until daybreak. It seems though that teens can't do that - if the phone is there it must be beeping at each interaction. (though who the teens are that are awake at 3am and sending you a snapchat I do not know! "Me in bed - should be sleeping LOL") It seems, in short, that teens lack self control. Who knew. At a guess, parents, and possibly teens, pretty much all the people that didn't do the study..or maybe they did know but they needed it to be tested, referenced and evidenced.

It sort of comes with the territory that we, as parents,  are still doing the parent thing. Our children might be growing up, but they are not grown up and so we sometimes have to make difficult decisions they won't address. In our house the answer is pretty simple, the teen's phone has to be left (in silent mode) in another room where we can see it when she goes to bed. She doesn't get to have a phone in her bedroom. After all, the average teen is not going to need it as an alarm, they don't get out of bed without dire threats and cold water most mornings. It's no fun setting rules and being the mean parent, but it's still what we have to do.
Does your child have a mobile phone (or tablet, PC, laptop etc) ? Are they allowed it in their room at night and if so will this news make you change the rules? Do you have screen time rules?

The virtual baby

Dd is studying child development as one of her gcse options. Part of the course involves looking after a virtual baby for a weekend. These dolls were created to show young adults some of the reality of having a baby. Of course you don't get lots of the horror, no poo, no vomit, no worryingly unexpected high temperatures or rashes. But you don't get much of the fun either, no squishy cuddles, no laughs, no smiles, no kicking feet. But you do get to experience the thing all new parents get, a lack of sleep.

DD has always been very keen on children. She adores babies and kids, so I was surprised at her reaction to the baby.

Day one, the baby is set to react like a newborn. It wakes and sleeps at all times of the day and night, it constantly wants feeding or changing (they have nappies with little sensors in, so the computer in the baby can tell if you actually changed the nappy) but unlike real babies it's never especially cute. It seems that they are mostly annoying or boring. The first night the baby did not want to sleep at 9pm, DD's normal bedtime, by the time she was ready for bed it was 10pm, I wen to bed then too. The baby woke in the night, waking me each time too, at midnight, 2am, 3.45am, 5am and then again at about 6am. I had to go to work and I left an exhausted and pissed off dd at home.

During the day the baby continued to be needy and DD continued being annoyed. By the evening I was actually concerned for the fake babies safety and took it into the hall for a while to rock it as it cried. Poor DD she was determined by this stage that she would never have children!

Day two the baby is set to behave a few weeks older. Last night the baby slept more, but still woke several times. The joy of nappy changing on a virtual baby is the lack of poo, the non existent risk of an explosive nappy and the need to change all the baby's clothes plus bath it and change all the cot sheets. But on the downside there are no cheeky grins or raspberries. DD is finding it hard to 'like' the virtual baby. It gives nothing back to the virtual parent.

The day went better though, the baby was more settled and fed and cried less.

Day three. Last day to be a mum. DD was into her stride by now, recognising the various cries and sorting the baby's problems really quickly. Sadly she still doesn't really get anything from it - it's very automated now, just a quick feed, burp, nappy change, no eye contact no snuggles.

When she woke on the morning the baby was due to be returned she said "oh wow I had a great nights sleep!" and I asked if the baby had slept though, "No, she replied but it only woke once at 1am it was bliss" haha I think maybe she will make a mum after all.

Our view of the virtual baby is that as it's designed to show children what a real baby is like and put them off parenthood too early it sort of works. But it's a bit of a cheat, it gives you the noisy bits of the baby but that's really all it does, there is no mess, no making up of feeds, (no breastfeeding and subsequent sore nipples!) no bathing. And there are no real nice bits at all, no cuddles, no smiles, no kicking feet or grabbing your finger. One thing she did say "This would be so much easier with someone to help" It's a reasonable tool but i think maybe I should borrow a real baby for DD ... anyone need a break ... for a few minutes? Before she gets annoyed and gives the baby back?

Becoming a woman

Yesterday's somewhat harrowing post about Female genital Cutting made me think. It seems unfair to just condemn a practice and culture totally without taking into account the importance of ritual in people's lives.

For many cultures, becoming a woman is a huge part of their life. A momentous occasion celebrated or marked with secret rituals or public parties. There can be all kinds of reasons, becoming a woman may be a time that your life changes in so many ways, maybe you are now ready to marry, or to have a say in group meetings. Maybe as a woman you can now cook and share stories, becoming part of a larger clan, leaving your childish ways behind.

It's not something we talk about much, but I really think if we want to end FGM we should look at other ways to mark an important time in a girl's life. No one wants to lose an important part of their culture, but they can change it. (I realise not all FGM happens after girls reach womanhood, it's just an example) Maybe a ritual washing of new babies? A secret woman only party for young girls? 

Read about how some Maasai women are changing things here.

In the west we seem to have left the importance of 'becoming a woman' far behind. We no longer put any emphasis on the first menstruation of a young woman, caring more about actual ages, 16 to get married, 17 to drive, 18 to drink...

Do you have a daughter? Will her first period be a time of celebration? Or will you ignore it? I like the idea of a female celebration, to represent the entry to adulthood.

There are even Period Packs, so I'm not alone in thinking it's an event to be marked!

Personally I favour a huge cake, a sad movie and a girlie mum and daughter evening snuggled on the sofa. (actually I favour this every month!)

What would you do? Or do you think I'm weird?

How to hold it together when it's time for potty training

I’m going to begin at the beginning, with the obvious.

Children are available in all shapes and sizes. Some will be happy and ready to learn about potties and toilets at 1 year old, some will have no control or interest until they are 4 or older.
Some children will have medical issues that will mean that sorting out when to use a toilet will always be an issue.

You can sometimes teach a child a bit earlier by sparking an interest in potty training (using rewards, fancy new pants, the joy of being ‘big’ etc) when they obviously have control and knowledge over their bowels and bladder, but not always.

You can never potty train a child that has no control of or prior knowledge of their bladder and bowel movements.

There are clues as to whether your child is aware that they are weeing or pooping. They may notice after the event and ask you to change a nappy. They may become distracted and stop talking while they poop. But these are not always signs that they know it’s coming, or that they can stop it happening and wait, even for a few seconds!

The signs too look for are those of forward planning! Is your toddler hiding before they poo or wee? Do they clutch at themselves before they wee?, can they ask to go to the potty or the bathroom? (this doesn't have to be verbal, just as long as it's clear and you understand)

If you think your little one is showing some signs you can give potty training a go. If it doesn’t work in a week my own opinion is give it a rest and try again in a couple of months.

Tips to potty/toilet train/teaching

• Let you child see you use the toilet. Talk about weeing and pooping, maybe get some books! The Little Princess "I want my Potty" or Father Christmas needs a Wee for example.

• Get a potty for their doll, if the doll wees even better! Play at potties. Let them be the parent and explain it to the doll.

• Buy some ‘big child’ pants. I don’t hold with pull ups and the like, I’m old fashioned I know, but wee trickling down your leg is a fine reminder that you are weeing and helps the young mind get a grasp much faster with what is happening in my opinion.

• I also favour the all or nothing approach. Nappies at bedtime is fine but once in pants in the day, when awake, stick to it. No nappy because you are popping out! You need to help your child and different rules at different times are likely to confuse and upset.

• Have lots of potties. Seriously buy lots, at the very least have one upstairs and one down. But ideally one in every room. Leave books by them. Remind your child almost hourly to have a try for a wee, read to them or let them read so it’s not boring as they sit, but don’t make them sit for ages! Praise them like a crazed person when they get it right! Say ‘oops, better luck next time’ and clean up quickly when they get it wrong.

• Take a potty with you when you go out, stash one in the car, under the pram, a folding one in your bag…always have one to hand, little kids can’t wait long – your new super power needs to be producing a potty in a blink! (DD once used hers in the middle of Sainsbury’s – many people are now thinking ‘how disgusting’ but it was that or a puddle! And at the time, no one complained and I removed potty etc with calm and haste)

• Summer time is best – spend a lot of time in the garden!

I was lucky with DD she was only about 18 months when she decided ‘big girl pants’ were the way forward and she was dry in a week. I know this isn’t always the case. As I said, talk to your child, plan when you are going to give it a go, if they don’t get it in a week, or at least start to improve and have fewer accidents, give it up. Tell your child you’ll try again in a while. Wait a few months. It will happen.

• Try to remain relaxed.
• Buy some carpet cleaner.
• And some wine.
• Good Luck.

Disclaimer – I have only potty trained one child, the perfect DD, and this was 13 years ago, but my advice stands...and you don't have to take it, that's how advice works.

Photo copyright  : https://www.123rf.com/profile_mitarart

Gooey, chocolatey, delicious, brownies

When I did the MorrisonsMum thing, with the vouchers and the blog post etc. you'll remember one of the things we did was make Meringues for the yummy Eton Mess. Meringues leave you with egg yolks and so I decided to use the egg yolks up in a recipe I found online for brownies.

I tweaked the recipe a bit, like you do, so here is my version. It uses 'cups' as measurements because I have a rather cute set of Russian Doll style measuring cups and I like to use them. You can buy them here if you really want some!

Time from starting, to eating (including clearing up the disaster zone that is the kitchen and cooling the brownies) 3 hours (yes really, don't trust anyone who tells you otherwise! we made them at night and had them for breakfast) it was worth it though.

Ingredients
1/3 cup fairtrade cocoa powder
1/2 cup and 2 tablespoons boiling water
2 ounces grated plain or cooking chocolate (grating chocolate is ridiculous - it gets static and leaps all over the place, makes the worst mess EVER!)
2oz butter (melted -I used the microwave)
1/2 cup and 2 tablespoons vegetable oil.
2 large eggs
2 egg yolks (remember them!)
2 and 1/2 cups caster sugar
1 and 3/4 cups self raising flour
6oz chocolate chunks or a few handfuls of M&Ms or nuts etc

 Mix cocoa and boiling water together in large bowl until smooth. Add grated chocolate and continue mixing until chocolate is melted. Mix in melted butter and oil. Add eggs, yolks, and vanilla keep stirring! Keep stirring until it's smooth...

  Add in the sugar and mix until fully incorporated. Add sifted flour and mix  until combined. Finally fold in bittersweet chocolate pieces.(or M&Ms etc)

Line a 9x13-inch baking tray with foil, leaving about a one-inch overhang on all sides, oil the foil to stop the brownies sticking, pour the mix into the tray.

bake for 40 to 45 minutes at gas 4 or 180c


Leave to cool for 1 and a half hours, then remove the brownie from the pan using the foil lip...let cool for another hour! (yeah right!)

Cut the brownies into squares. EAT ALL THE BROWNIES!!!!

Thanks to The Brown Eyed Baker for the recipe I 'borrowed' and Anglicised

Quick Sweary Post

A brief chat among mummies on twitter this morning made me remember how I talked about swearing for the first time with darling daughter (DD)

We were in the car, she was about 5 and had just started school and mixing with other children away form any parental guidance.

She suddenly said " I know some swear words"

"oh," says I, remaining calm "do you want to talk about them?"

"yes. One is SHIT and one is COCK"

so narrowly avoiding driving into oncoming traffic, and while controlling urge to giggle, I say

"oh! do you know what they mean?"

DD "no, Fiona told me them"

Me "well Shit is another word for poo, and cock is another work for a willy"

DD (disappointed) "well they are not very rude!"

Me (laughing) "well it depends, some people don't like them, even though they are just words, and no words are 'bad'; and because some people get sad when they hear them, we try not to use them, most people use them when they are very angry"

DD, "so if I stepped in dog poo I could say 'Oh no! I stepped in shit!'"

Me (really laughing now) "perfect use of the word shit!"

DD "OK"

we have never had to have such an elaborate conversation about swearing again, although I have had to explain what shag and fuck mean........she rarely uses them......except when very angry - for a 10 year old she's actually pretty good at using swear words sparingly and effectively! LOL