Crowded places, kids, and fear

I'm off up to London with DD at the weekend. I'm meeting up with my brother and his family at Comic Con and I am really looking forward to an excuse to wear my Morphsuit and dress as Deadpool again, I even bought some plastic ninja swords to add to the look.

But after the Manchester attack and the tragic loss of life at the Ariana Grande concert on Monday I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous, maybe even scared. Obviously I'm going anyway. As daily news stories point out, I could just as easily die on the drive in to work as in a terror attack, and terror is of course what these evil people hope to cause.

The whole thing has upset me, as I'm sure it's upset everyone. I sway between tears as I read about the beautiful people who died, on a night where they were with friends and family having fun, and then laughter as social media does it's best to snark at terrorists and fight light in the darkness. (see more on the hashtag #BritishThreatLevel on twitter)

I take great solace in reading of the things people did, and continue to do to help others, from kind words, free taxi rides, helping the injured, donating to help with hotel bills and funeral costs.

It is in the aftermath we see the truth of people, many will say we see the best of people, sadly we also see the worst of people, the vile and the racist and the spiteful, this sort of event displays the best and worst of humanity, so I hang on to the images of love and kindness, I look for the helpers.

Talking to DD about London, among my quips about dying wearing a Deadpool costume (oh the irony if that happens, but at least the blood won't show) I talked to DD about plans for us if there was a terror incident, I said that she should use me as a shield, that if we couldn't get out she should lay under me to stay safe, she looked into my eyes, her own eyes wide in surprise, saw my sudden seriousness and nodded, "yes, OK" she said, "but if we are OK, if other people are hurt, we are going to help, I'm going to wear an extra T shirt in case we need bandages..." and there it is, the best of people. I'm proud and heartbroken in equal measure. Not all super heroes wear capes, not even at Comic Con, some wear an extra T shirt.

Copyright: blojfo / 123RF Stock Photo

So I fully expect a fun day out, and I'm trying to keep fear to the back of my mind and keep love and kindness to the fore.

I'll be sharing Comic Con photos after the weekend. Stay tuned.

Baby sleep, would you consider controlled crying?

Why would anyone leave a baby to cry?

I did.

Would I do it again? Most probably not if the circumstances were the same, but in some circumstances, yes, yes I'd try it, and before you shout me down here's what I did, and why I would, or wouldn't do it again.

When DD was born (17 years ago!)  I was a novice mum. I didn't have a lot of close friends living near and none that had babies. All my school mates had moved away and none were married. My mum lived hundreds of miles away. The Internet existed but not with social media like it is today. I joined a small message board of mums, they were almost all American, everything from our 'diaper' choices to feeding methods were very different, though everyone was friendly. Mostly I bought some books and took advice from my midwives and health visitors (who were all lovely and really helpful btw)

When DD was born I was able to take a year off from work and Mr TM was already retired (and planning to be a SAHD and DD's main carer when I went back to work) so we had a whole year, just us and a baby (and 2 dogs). In the first few weeks I didn't get much sleep. Although Mr TM slept in a separate room (so he could be awake in the day and do lots of the chores, walk the dogs etc,) night feeds, in fact all feeds, were provided by my boobs so I had to be awake. Feeding on demand was recommended (quite rightly imo) at least in the first weeks to help milk supply. A feed could take an hour with a 2 hour nap after (for DD!)  and then more feeding, so you can imagine how tired a breastfeeding mum is, also she's making milk, in itself tiring - medals all round ladies!

Also anyone that tells you to 'sleep when the baby sleeps' is an idiot. Do they suggest a quick nap in aisle 8 of Sainsbury? A 20 minute sleep while driving? A doze in the park while walking the dogs? You are using those 2 hour windows of sleeping baby to wash, eat, clean the house, chat to adults, just 'be'. 

 So by week six I was running on fumes. I had no idea at the time that I had Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease (which has the joyous side effect of making you more tired than 'normal' people, and making ordinary tasks more tiring still) so that may explain some of it, but what ever, by week 6, late one night as DD cried, after I'd tried feeding, changing, cuddles, singing, swearing, begging, crying (me not her)  I looked to books for advice and I read about letting babies cry.

In the 50s babies were encouraged to cry. It was 'good for their lungs', gave them some exercise, and, if done outside, got them some 'fresh air'. So it was with no surprise that I found many books that suggested the crying it out (CIO) method. This, apparently relied on checking everything was well with the baby, they were fed, burped, changed, clean and cuddled, and them popping them safely into pram or bed and leaving them to it. They would eventually fall asleep.

Even in my desperate state this sounded a tad tragic! Poor little baby, no doubt it would sob itself through hysteria into exhaustion and then fall asleep. So it would work, but at what cost? And wouldn't the baby get more distressed at each consecutive bedtime? Knowing and learning that bed and pram was a lonely prison?  No CIO was not for me.

Then I read about the controlled Crying method (CC) controlled crying started the same way, check baby was fed, burped, changed, clean and cuddled, and them popping them safely into pram or bed, but then not leaving them until they slept, but rather, settling them, saying a calm goodnight, and leaving, if they cried, waiting a minute before returning, settling the baby again, leaving, if they cried waiting 2 minutes, settling the baby again, leaving, if they cried waiting 3 minutes...and , well you get the picture. This I could cope with.

I tried it...the first night was hell. When your baby cries, a minute feels like about 30 years. You have been sitting staring at the clock for an eternity (a minute) and then you rush to the baby, soothe, settle, leave and repeat. I was more tired after the first night of CC than before I had tried it! (she eventually fell asleep after 10 minutes). The second night I tried again....she was asleep after  5 minutes, and the third night, she settled and went to sleep with no tears at all...and the most amazing thing was that she also slept all night (well from 11pm at last feed until 6am and first feed - but that's all night in my book!) And this continued. I had a six week old baby that just went to bed at 11pm and slept through! (I'm sorry if you hate me - I'm sure luck plays a huge part here too)

I was a changed woman. Days were fun again. I could walk the dogs, Mr TM and I could spend time (awake) together. I could do cooking and housework. A miracle.

But...would I do it again, probably not.

I think as I had a year off and a supportive husband at home I could have just weathered the lack of sleep for a few months until she gradually learned nighttime was no fun, and reserved for sleeping.

If circumstances were different however, if I had to go back to work, or had other children to care for in the day, or no husband at home, then yes, I think I would at least try it for a few days. I think that if the times were getting longer to take the baby to settle, I would stop. If after a few nights she still wasn't settled happily at bedtime, I'd stop. But I think for exhausted parents, with other things and other family to manage, who don't have the luxury of focusing totally on a new baby, then yes CC has a place.

The conclusion I've come to is that lots of things that are 'best for baby' don't take anyone else into consideration. It's nice of you can do what's 'best for baby' but there are other people in the house too, mum, dad (maybe 2 mums, 2 dads whatever, you get the picture) other children, and there may be a job you need to go to to have money to feed and clothe everyone. So sometimes, what is best for baby is a fully functioning household.

And so I don my flame suit and pop this (sure to be unpopular) opinion out onto the Internet. I'd love your comments.

Five ways your teen is the same as a toddler

So maybe you are reading this as the parent of a teen, in which case I expect you will nod along with at least a couple of these. If you are reading this, still in the innocence of life as the parent of a toddler, happily expecting things to change as they get older...well we are sorry, really we are, but sadly somethings never change...

• Your day still revolves around them

It used to be that you had a schedule based on feeding, naps and potty times. You ran them to music groups, mum and baby groups (or dad and baby groups). You organised play dates and marked craft time on the calendar. Now however, while the things you are organising have changed, you are still running your day according to the teen. You are nagging about homework, telling them to get up out of bed, to remember to put their washing in the laundry (or if you have them better trained than I do - nagging them to actually do some washing). You resist drinking alcohol in the evening in case you need to be a taxi later. And you are up late worrying and trying not to text too much when they are late home...which brings us nicely to:

• Sleep (or lack of it)

Once you used to find getting them to bed a chore, the never ending rounds of stories and drinks of water. The checking for monsters under the bed and the 'one more kiss'. And then, always just after you yourself had nodded off, the cry of 'MUM' or 'DAD' and a tiny crying body who had a nightmare, or wet the bed (I knew that last glass of water was a mistake), or just needed a cuddle, appears at the side of the bed, you either make room are get up and carry them back to their room, but both options usually result in not much more sleep. Now you would imagine that having a teen would put paid to all that, they can do it themselves, you'd think, but no. Now you have the constant getting them to bed battle but with added backchat of "I don't need to, I'm a grown-up" and once they are in bed, the eerie glow of a mobile as they check snapchat into the wee small hours, despite you calling to tell them to turn it off, only for them to complain they are too tired to get up for breakfast. And this is with out the perils of the teen 'going out' and not coming home and your own bedtime creeping by with no text or word from them..should you go to bed? should you stay up? Are they coming home at all? How can you sleep even if you do go to bed? and then...they are home! at 2am and they need a snack and a chat and dear lord will parents ever sleep again

• Fussy Eaters

This post was actually triggered by a real life event (not that the others aren't real - they just didn't trigger this post) on Saturday. One of DD's favourite meals is a chicken dish in tomato sauce served with rice. (remind me to post the recipe sometime) any way, the ingredients vary a bit depending on my mood and store cupboard, last time I made it I bunged in a few olives, which she diligently picked out, "I don't like the olives in it" she opined. So this time when I slung the olives in (because, dear reader, I like olives) I was prepared for the teenage moans..what I was not prepared for was "It's yummy, shame there aren't more olives in it though". So yes, you have a fussy 2 year old that happily eats a breadstick on Sunday only to cast it to the floor in furious displeasure on Monday, and you are hoping for this to settle down...well DD is 17 and there is, as yet, little sign of it.

• Clearing up after them

I assume you've heard about messy teen bedrooms? It's not a myth. Things grow in there. Green things in bowls and the base of coffee mugs, socks go there to die. Picking up a few stickle bricks is nothing, nothing I tell you, to the horror of a teenager's bedroom...let's move on...

• Adoring them

I know, I'm a slushy mum, but you know how you look at your angelic toddler sometimes (when they are being angelic or are asleep usually) and you just sigh with the perfect beauty and love of them? Yeah well that. When you teen emerges out of their pit room and is all dressed up looking gorgeous and young and vital, and they smile and say "I'm off out, back later" and you love them and feel that familiar warm glow of being a parent...which lasts right until you peek into their room...or are still up at 3am wondering where the hell they are...

Do you have a toddler or a teen? Or both (I'm praying for you) Do you recognise any of these scenarios? are are there any I've missed?

Wordy Wednesday's author interview with Andy Gibney

A controversial book today I expect, but never let it be said I'm into censorship. Today's offering for Wordy Wednesday is the suggestively titled How to Seduce Your wife by Andy Gibney.

For twelve years Andy Gibney was a therapist. His first clients wanted help with phobias, stopping smoking and losing weight, but gradually more and more people came to see him with depression and anxiety. Andy realised that the cause of many of their problems could be traced back to the quality of their relationships. Coming out of a long term relationship himself, Andy found himself on the dating scene, a scene in which the internet had changed everything. Andy found many new experiences were now available to him and as such much of this book comes from the experiences of his old clients and his own interesting adventures in the new era of social media and dating.

As usual I threw some random questions at Andy so we could all find out a little bit more about how he 'ticks'.

Do you have any pets? 
I don’t at the moment, but I like cats and dogs. I had a rabbit a few years ago. It escaped and ran away. And I looked after it really well!

Who is your favourite author? Do they influence your writing or are they a total break from the sort of thing you write?
It changes all the time. At the moment, I’m loving the experience of finding Agatha Christie for the first time. I like her thought process so that has helped. Also, the same thing with Roald Dahl.

Which book(s) are you reading at the moment?
4. Storyteller – Roald Dahl’s biography. Phil Collins’ autobiography and I’ve just finished ‘And Then There Were None’ by Agatha Christie which is one of the best books I’ve ever read. (ooh last weeks author, Malcolm Parnell is a big Agatha Christie fan too, as am I!)

Where do you do most of your writing?
At my office on my computer. Nearly always early before anyone else comes in. Editing I can do if someone else is around. Most of my planning for a book is done in my small office at home.

Tell us about a bit of this book that you like the most - no spoilers!
I really loved writing many of the women’s stories in ‘Seduce’. Some were inspiring and some were hilarious.

What is your favourite biscuit?
Half chocolate Viennese shortbread or in a pinch, a chocolate Hobnob.

Tea or Coffee?
Neither. Haven’t touched caffeine for a dozen years. I am partial to hot chocolate though. (If authors are grouped by beverage choice, I'd have to put you in the group with Kate Harrad)

In the film of your life who would play you?
David Duchovney. If you’ve seen ‘Californication’ I think he already did. Some of it anyway.

If you could genetically cross an animal and a vegetable, what would you pick and why? I like the idea of a water melon sheep dog, just for the 'Melon Collie' pun.
You win the prize for oddest question ever. A cat with a cucumber. A catcumber. (Hmmm would it make itself jump?)

Andy's book How to Seduce Your Wife is published by 3P Publishing Ltd , and they tell me that
"It’s a book every man can learn from and every woman will want to read. "

You can get your own copy from Amazon and read a sample too.

Let me know what you think, are guides to relationships useful? or is the whole dating game so varied they can't help? And do all relationships take work, or should they happen naturally?

Thanks to Andy for taking part in Wordy Wednesday, follow the rest of the blog tour starting here ...

Does Parenting Change When You Have a Gay Teen?

My daughter, the lovely DD is 16.

She has really blossomed lately, budgeting for herself, suddenly deciding (against her parents wishes) to have her waist length hair cut to shoulder length, becoming more outgoing, getting herself to and from college without always relying on 'mum's taxi', letting us know when she'll be late and making new college mates and hanging out at coffee shops. In short she has become a teenager at last. So 'almost an adult' that it hurts to think about it.

My baby is testing her wings.

As a parent I know that this is what it's all been about, preparing her for life and for leaving us, but as a parent I also feel the pain of that 'almost loss'.

I'm so proud of her. She did well at her GCSEs, is doing all the A levels she wanted to, is making new friends, and is looking happy. Happier than she has in a while, and she's always been a happy child. Maybe this happiness is linked to the fact that she finally plucked up the courage to come out to her friends as well as her parents.

Yes dear reader, I am the mum of my own little gay! She told me by accident in a mistaken Facebook message back in January, and, well, I behaved fairly predictably. First I checked she sent me the image to tell me something, and not just because it was cute or funny (she often sends me weird memes via messenger) , and then when that was confirmed, I just said "OK" and on we went.

Things I love about being a mum

This morning on Facebook the lovely Fi at ChildCareisFun mentioned how she was sad to see so many 'I hate being a mum' posts online, not just 'I had a bad day' but proper I hate being a mum blog posts.
I thought that part of the problem was that if you claim you love being a parent, that your life is nice, happy and generally good, people see you as smug and a bit of a bitch to be honest. So I think mums (and dads) are scared to say - this is ace! I love it!
Maybe the fact that you like being a mum and they don't, makes them feel defensive and angry?  Maybe they had a succession of bad days and forgot the good days. Maybe they do really hate being a parent. I don't know. But whatever, not all parents feel the same. So I'm here to balance things up.
I'm one of those weirdos that had an easy time with the birth, loved it all. Who enjoyed pregnancy (even the vomiting) and who loves being a mum, every day.
I thought about writing a rant. But decided a poem was nicer.
So here is my poem. About being a mum.

Things I love (and loved)  about being a mum

A Poem

Waking early at 3 to the sound of her tears.
Being her comfort for all of these years.
Holding her close as a she snuffles and drinks,
holding her less close as she starts to stink!
Cleaning her bottom at a quarter past ten,
then at half past eleven, I do it again!
A basket of washing, sits sopping wet,
the machine not working, and yet and yet,
those so tiny socks are catching my eye,
laying there waiting, nearly making me cry.
Such small clothes for such a small child,
who soon will be big and running me wild.
Changing a sheet that is soaked in wee,
and a tiny sad face pleading with me
that they know they can do it, no nappies required
but accidents happen when you are so tired.
Wobbly bike riding, a crash on the lawn.
A nightmare needs snuggles though it's nearly dawn.
I drag myself, knackered, from comfy warm bed
because someone woke early and now bumped their head.
Packing a bag for a day out seems barmy,
I carry enough to maintain a small army!
First day at nursery the tears are all mine,
I ring my own mum who says 'she will be fine'.
A wasted day worrying when I could be free,
but missing my 'baby' who should be with me.
Paintings on fridges and pasta shell 'jewels'
fondly admired as the nighttime drink cools.
And now she's at school and is going alone,
the time is just whizzing and 'my how she's grown'.
She has her own phone and she snapchats her mates
and she talks about popstars and going on dates.
Next month is her prom all sparkle and dresses
and 'my hair just won't curl' is the top of the stresses.
I've been a mum now for 16 short years
surviving on love, and on wine,and on beers
from the very first moment I gazed in her eyes
every day has been filled with joy and surprise
that I made a new person, who is gorgeous and clever
and have I regretted it? not once, not ever.

as always I'd love your comments - come and chat over at Facebook

What do women REALLY want for Valentines day - a tongue in cheek post

Copyright: pretoperola / 123RF Stock Photo

Valentine's Day is fast approaching like a looming red fog on the horizon. Terrifying the average man who is soon to discover he cannot win on this of all days.

On Valentine's Day, a man in a relationship with a lady has several choices.
He can ignore the entire thing, dismiss it as comercialised and claim he doesn't need a day to tell her he loves her. She will assume he is an uncaring heel or that he forgot and this is a feeble way of weaseling out of the whole thing.
He can buy a card, something cute or funny and that's that. She will think he is cheap, assume he grabbed it without thinking in the supermarket or petrol station and she will tell all her friends how uncaring he is.
He can buy an elaborate gift such as a huge bunch of red roses or a massive box of chocolates, and she will tell him what a waste of money flowers are, especially on Valentine's day, she will also exclaim she is dieting and the chocolates are cruel. She will tell her friends he is predictable and boring.

So what do women actually want? Well I asked a few women that were in relationships what their perfect Valentine's Day gift would be. Instantly and top of the list was time by themselves! I can understand the desire to escape the busy everyday life but I was hoping for something a teensy bit more romantic (chaps, save this information for a birthday gift!). Next most popular was sleep, yes I know, still not terribly romantic, though combined with a man that takes charge of the kids when they wake, gives them breakfast, settles them in front of a 3 hour movie and then takes his snoozing wife breakfast in bed might count...

But the suggestions that seemed most useful were:

• Unmarried ladies in relationships (such as Emma) seem to hope for diamonds, if you like it, she correctly assumes, you should have put a ring on it.
• Another popular choice is a spa day, for true romance I guess you'd have to go too, his and hers towels by the pool, joint massages and a cosy canoodle in the hot tub. Several ladies liked that idea.
• Chocolates were not totally out of favour, but they needed to be quality over quantity, the day of the large padded heart shape box are over it seems.
• Many ladies feel that having everything done for them is the way to go, baby sitter sorted, table booked and then whisked off in a taxi so you can both have a tipple at a restaurant where the night is spent eating and gazing into each others eyes....just as you did before your life was full of toddlers and snot.
• Another lovely idea was being told to treat yourself to a new pair of shoes or a new handbag, so many ladies would like this so much more than flowers or chocolates! Even a new dress, why not pluck up the courage to go shopping with her, telling her how sexy she looks in the things she chooses (not looking  at your watch and telling her you are missing the rugby)
• On the 'time alone together' theme, it wasn't only restaurants and spas that were mentioned, afternoon tea, or even a wander around a town or a walk in the country were suggested. Even a whole night in a hotel - oh to have the freedom for loud sex without the kids hearing.....
• The idea of a surprise was high on the list too - unusual gifts but ones that might be appreciated, cheese, a new purse, earrings, perfume....but not 'sexy underwear' (the crime of buying what you, the chap, deem sexy, but what is, in reality, cheap, tacky and uncomfortable and really for you anyway...just no) Going with her to buy some Agent Provocateur does not come into the 'no' category obviously...
• And one odd request was mooted. "I'd really like if he hired a backing group and made up a barbershop style song about me and then performed it on the doorstep. The kind of thing that takes a bit of effort!" ... I'll just leave that there....no one said us women were low maintenance...

Copyright: ventura69 / 123RF Stock Photo

The top result, in all it's varieties, (if we exclude time alone!) was time with you, the man in her life. For you to organise it all so she can be swept off her feet, away from her normal life to an afternoon, evening, or weekend of romantic together time....chaps...you heard it here first..now go get her.Your time, it's what she wants and it's almost (assuming no baby sitting fees) free. No excuse, have fun together. 

Huge thanks to the following bloggers for their candid input. Why not check out their blogs on Valentine's Day to see if all their dreams come true.

Geraldine at Jog On Mum

Nat at Handful of Halfpennies

Angela at Days in Bed

Emily at Emily and Indiana

Mum of Five Staying Sane

Emma at The Mini Mes and Me

Mary at Over 40 and Mum to One
Emma at The Cheshire Wife
Mother Under Measure
Amy at The Smallest of Things
Chantelle at Mama Mummy Mum
Zoe at A Beautiful Abode
Vanessa at A Happy Healthy Mummy
Carly at Mummy and the Chunks

Ten things I love about Christmas

• Time with my family. Not everyone gets to have time off over Christmas, and this year I have to work on Boxing Day, but I do love time with my family. Visiting distant relatives is easier too as roads are less busy (assuming you drive at what is usually the rush hour) and it's lovely to sit and just be, with people you love.
• Mince pies. People get a bit weird if you eat them at other times of the year, but I do love the slightly sharp, slightly sweet, often alcohol infused, taste of a mince pie. Best made at home with homemade pastry - though I've yet to be brave enough to make my own mincemeat. (and yes American readers, it really is meat - well suet - and fruit, the tudors were big on meat and fruit, and jolly well done I say!) 
• Marzipan. Life should contain more marzipan, Christmas seems happy to take up the slack left by the rest of the year. From marzipan fruits to dark chocolate covered marzipan and marzipan on a cake...mmmm marzipan.
• Eating odd foods at odd times. Turkey leftovers for breakfast, cake for lunch, toast for tea, Christmas seems to be a time when a sudden urge to eat walnuts is acceptable. The joy of eating what you like, when you like is oddly freeing (matched only by festival living) and while one may end up over full, it's only a couple of days so I think we can risk it..another sausage roll?
• Alcohol for breakfast. Bucksfizz, drunk only on wedding mornings and Christmas. An excuse to drink cava or champagne with the strange idea that it's healthy because of the orange juice. (don't have alcohol for breakfast if you are planning to drive and visit relatives, obviously)
• Watching people open gifts. I like getting presents but I know I'm a grown up because I now genuinely prefer to see other people open their gifts. The sight of a child realising as they tear the wrapping that it's the thing they've always (for the last 6 months) wanted...priceless.
• Helping Father Christmas. Sometimes the great man can't be at every house and so it falls to us parents to take up the slack, obviously we don't have to do this every year and he sends us special instructions when we do, but creeping into a sleeping child's room, hearing them (pretending to) sleep, watching the flicker of eyelids as they dream, and then popping their gifts into a stocking, is the best feeling.

• Left overs. Related to the eating anything at anytime, but left overs are great. Bubble and squeak, refried christmas pudding (fry a slice in butter - you're welcome) , picking turkey from the bones when you nip to the fridge for more beer, I love leftovers.
• Christmas lights. I love the festive look the twinkling lights of Christmas give to a home. Once our tree is up adding a coloured warmth to the lounge I never want to take it down.

• Memories. Memories that are being made and memories of Christmases past, each year we buy a new decoration for the tree and so I remember 2 year old DD choosing a shining toy soldier or a 4 year old DD choose a tinkling ginerbreadman bell. Each Christmas stored in a memory on the tree. I look forward to more memories being created this year too. Not all memories are so happy, as we think of loved ones no longer with us, but somehow the warmth and hope of Christmas (or it may be the sherry) let's us remember the happy times we shared with them.

I hope Christmas holds much joy for you and yours. And that memories, even the sad ones,  flow as liberally as the sherry.

Wife's work

This recent spell of UK hot weather reminded me of something that happened over 2 decades ago.

When I was 21 I started dating a guy 19 years older than me. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, but weeks turned to months, and then years, and years, and we were still together. My family had got over the shock and I was living in sin with my new man (who they referred to as their Sin-in-Law). He knew I wanted to get married, but I knew that he didn't, and part of that reason was that he felt our age gap was too great. "It's OK now" he'd say, "you are 26 and I'm 45, it doesn't seem so bad, but what about when you are 40, or 50?" I would reassure him, "it will be fine, why wouldn't it?" but convinced I was too young to really know, he didn't listen.

Sometimes we'd joke about it, he'd ask me to do some tedious household chore, or help with his tax returns and I would say "oh no, that's a wife's job, I'm just a mistress, I get to sit in the sun and drink champagne!"

Then one hot evening, after I finished work I was sitting in the hot garden, with my hot feet in a bucket of cold water. I was grumpy, and hot (did I mention it was hot?) and he wandered into the garden with an old jumper of his, "would you darn the elbow of this?" he asked. I looked up, grumpy, hot and annoyed. "No" I snapped "I wouldn't, that's a wife's job, I've told you, mistresses don't do sewing". He stood looking at me, how sexy I must have looked, sweaty, feet in a bucket.

"well then" he said "will you marry me? then you'll be my wife, and you can darn the jumper"

A long pause. Seriously? He looked shifty "yes seriously, I've been thinking about it, I think we should get married, I'd like to marry you"

What a romantic proposal. Well it cured my grump. I laughed and said yes. And the rest (as they say) is history. Twenty three years later, I'm still doing the repairs...I even have a sewing box, because you know, that's wife's work.

This post is a personal one. It's just a tiny piece of my history and I'm posting it for me, for my memories and for DD. If you read and enjoy it too, that's a bonus.

A look back - Sir Terry Pratchett and the Discworld

In 1983 two things happened (well lots of things happened but this blog post is only about two) . Terry Pratchett had a novel published and I bought it. And read it (three, three things happened) I was hooked from the very start. I can’t remember why I chose the book, maybe it was the hilarious cover illustrations, maybe it was because at the time I was 17 and obsessed with Dungeons and Dragons and the fantasy genre, maybe it was on special offer. Whatever God of reading was there he/she/it guided my hand and the rest is … silence, as I read through each book as it was published, there were muffled giggles of course at Terry’s witty jokes. There were gasps of amazement later as the books gained in amazingly satirical insight.

Pleased to have Sir Terry in my house... pic.twitter.com/gE6MGhYLKV
— Tattooed_Mummy (@tattooed_mummy) March 12, 2015

I had (actually still have) a huge crush on Samuel Vimes, it may even be real love as I didn’t feel sad when (spoilers!) he finally met up and settled down with Lady Sybil, I adored her too, with her dragons and sensible shoes, and no nonsense approach to all things.
I love all the books of course but not equally. I favour the Watch series (Nightwatch, of which I have a signed copy is my favourite), tales of daring and adventure with a rag tail band of hapless chaps and a girl or two…and here’s a thing, Terry writes fabulous women characters. They, like all his characters, have complex personas, neither good nor bad, they have secret dreams (Cheery the dwarf for example longs to plait her beard and wear lipstick and maybe a …skirt!) and they have problems to overcome (Angua struggling with a relationship with her ‘monthly troubles’ for example) They are tough, like Lady Sybil and the Witches, forthright and knowledgeable like Susan, frequently busty and lusty too (Do not ask about the tuppeny upright!) They frequently have their own stories, such as Equal Rites, and the Tiffany series for younger readers.

I could write for days about characters, events, jokes and Terry’s genius at combining all of them into a world of pure magic but I don’t need to, you can read them yourself. If you’ve never read one why not use this handy guide to find a starter book and dive in to a new world, a flat one carried on the backs of four elephants who in turn stand atop the great A’tuin the world turtle.

I met Terry Pratchett before we had to call him ‘Sir’ though we probably did anyway, at a discworld fan event in 2007 (see if you can spot me) and again at several others. He was always fabulous to his fans. (who it needs to be said are mostly mad – myself included) He put up with us dressing as his characters, being generally drunk and silly, and expecting him to sign things. He never disappointed. We in turn donated to his favourite charities, bought him gin and tonics, arranged events and continued to be silly. I am proud to have shared a sausage supper with him.

I, along with many fans, cried yesterday to hear of his passing. Much excellent fan fiction has been written of his meeting with Death, one of his brilliant Discworld Characters. There has also been some amazing art created. I can’t help but smile through the tears, so thank you to all that took time to create them.

I leave you with the last tweets from Sir Terry’s twitter account. And I shall continue to imagine him sipping gin and writing, in the other trouser leg of time.

AT LAST, SIR TERRY, WE MUST WALK TOGETHER.
— Terry Pratchett (@terryandrob) March 12, 2015

Terry took Death’s arm and followed him through the doors and on to the black desert under the endless night.
— Terry Pratchett (@terryandrob) March 12, 2015

The End.
— Terry Pratchett (@terryandrob) March 12, 2015

Valentine Gift Ideas - With Flamingo Gifts

I was recently made aware of Flamingo Gifts. A simply wonderful online retailer of all things lovely! I was almost instantly in love with the site and that love was set fast after they sent me some pretty things to play with!

I can't help thinking they are the perfect place to buy Valentines Gifts. They really do have something for every one. I decided to do a top ten, but it was hard to restrict my love of the goodies on offer to ten, so if you need to know what I really love, check out the new Pinterest Board I made just for Flamingo Gift products (yes they are that good!)

So here are my Top Ten Gift Ideas for the one you love (also suitable for birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas etc)

1. I'm going to start with a slushy romantic one but we all know that I will get silly soon. This is rather adorable though and would also make a lovely wedding present.At only £5.99 and 1p postage it's not going to break the bank either, so if you are on a budget you can still spoil your significant other.

And they lived happily ever after £5.99

2. Next is a more personal idea, something for the one you love rather than the home, and yes it's a teeny bit cheeky, perfect for holding business cards or little love letters, or even french letters (see what I did there?) The perfect gift for your mummy or daddy blogger other half?

Condoms pocket Box - £5.94

3. Next in my countdown of awesome gifts, the cute and practical Clippy bag - fill with your own photos (no downloading beard pics off the internet, laminating them and using them, that would be wrong, and I certainly haven't done that with mine!) to personalise it and make it the cutest Valentine ever, you could add little love notes too!

Clippy Photo bag - £8.00

4. Still on a bag theme (we can never have too many!) For the romantics how about a weekend bag? Let your loved one know you fancy a weekend away..or maybe that you are thinking of taking them on a quick get away (I hear Brighton is nice) Stylish and unusual, a really great bag!

Weekend Bag - £39.99

5. Or why not show your love that you want them to be your companion by buying them this super Tardis Shower curtain, I'm not convinced it will make your shower cubicle or bath bigger on the inside but you could try it out - let me know how many people you manage to squeeze in!

Dr Who Tardis Shower curtain - £24.99

6. Something beautiful for the beautiful one in your life? These bangles showered with tiny hearts are just adorable. Unusual and pretty they will set off any outfit (top tip - don't present your girlfriend with a jewellery box on Valentines day unless you are proposing marriage!)

Heart Bangles in gold plate - £16.99

7. If you have a real fire, or like to cosy around a garden fire pit then these mystical coloured fire dust sachets are just the romantic thing. 10 sachets for £12.99 with each sachet giving you around about 30 minutes of colour changing flames. So snuggly. Let your lover know they light your fire *nudge nudge*

Fire Changing Dust - £12.99 for 10 sachets

8. Ok how about something more light hearted - maybe you are only just into a relationship and you don't want to go all crazy yet..how about something bacon themed! Flamingo Gifts have so many awesome bacon flavoured and scented stuff I really don't know where to start - click the picture to see the range, honestly they are warped, they really love bacon...so...go bacon!

Bacon Candy  - £5.50

9. Oh and who could resist a retro tin to keep all those love letters, cinema tickets, photos and romance memorabilia in? Flamingo gifts have a beautiful range of Wu & Wu retro tins, from biscuit tins, sewing kits, tea and coffee tins to this colourful 'Special Things' tin...if you are feeling very flash why not pop two tickets to Paris inside...or a pizza voucher , your call.

Peacock Tin - £8.99

10. And finally for anyone pissed off at Valentines day and feeling pretty miffed and unloved, why not treat yourself to a gift. Flamingo Gifts stock a huge range of Lolita hand painted glasses at £16.99 they really are lovely (they sent me a tattoo themed one to try out!) Beautifully packaged and large enough to have a proper drink! Also pretty enough to use as decoration. Too nice to hide in a cupboard. Check out the range on the site. But this one, is just for you.

Single and Loving It Wine Glass - £16.99

Big thanks to Flamingo Gifts for letting me try some of their fab items, and I'm certain I'll be visiting often for gifts in the future. Such lovely things.

Do check the Pinterest Board for more of my favourites.

A Bumper pile of advent gifts - a calendar alternative

DD always has an advent calendar and in the way the modern world caves in to avarice and greed at this special time of year she expects it to be filled with chocolate or gifts.

We have traditional cardboard calendars too, with pictures of trumpets and bells behind cardboard windows,  but the little treats on the run up to Christmas seem to have become an actual 'thing' in most houses, and so in ours.

For a while she was content with a gorgeous Divine Chocolate Advent calendar, fair trade, featuring the Christmas story, I love them! (and yes I caved in and bought one this year)

And then we had a house style advent calendar with little drawers that I fill. But getting tiny gifts is tricky so it's often filled with a sweet or a 50p piece, not as exciting as I had planned.

On Pinterest the pins are of elaborate crafts, muffin pans changed to advent calendars, toilet roll tubes cunningly converted, hanging shoe storage that has become a Christmas countdown and I sort of wanted to do something like that.

DD is 14 now, will be 15 by Christmas, I can no longer get away with wind up hopping rabbits and wax crayons as gifts. So I was having a think when I had ... an idea.

This year I will buy 24 little gifts. Note books, pens, pencils, erasers, makeup, books, CDs, underwear..whatever and I shall wrap each one in plain brown paper and string. I will number each gift and pop them all  into a lucky dip style bag so she can rummage around and find each day's gift.

I know. I spoil her.

And as it's November already I need to get cracking! Suggestions for cheap and cheerful gifts appreciated! I feel a trip to the 99p Store coming on! And I have no shame in hunting charity shops for gifts either! Especially books.

What will you be doing in the run up to Christmas? Anything? Nothing? A dare a day?

Let me know!

Copyright: designsoliman / 123RF Stock Photo

Valentine's Day Poetry for you

A bit of culture on the blog today

To his Coy Mistress
by Andrew Marvell

Had we but world enough, and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime.
We would sit down and think which way
To walk, and pass our long love's day;
Thou by the Indian Ganges' side
Shouldst rubies find; I by the tide
Of Humber would complain. I would
Love you ten years before the Flood;
And you should, if you please, refuse
Till the conversion of the Jews.
My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow.
An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze;
Two hundred to adore each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
An age at least to every part,
And the last age should show your heart.
For, lady, you deserve this state,
Nor would I love at lower rate.

        But at my back I always hear
Time's winged chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song; then worms shall try
That long preserv'd virginity,
And your quaint honour turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust.
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none I think do there embrace.

        Now therefore, while the youthful hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew,
And while thy willing soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires,
Now let us sport us while we may;
And now, like am'rous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour,
Than languish in his slow-chapp'd power.
Let us roll all our strength, and all
Our sweetness, up into one ball;
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Thorough the iron gates of life.
Thus, though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet we will make him run.



I love this poem, always have. The power of love and lust that is shown in all that the writer suggests he would like to do, follwed by the realisation that there just isn't time so...well we may as well just get on with the sex! So macho, so traditional, always makes me smile. Would it work for you? Would you cave in? 

We are spoiling our children

I don't mean in the 'buying them tons of crap' way (although we do that too) I mean in the 'stifling them by protecting them' way.

We are told to tell children they are great and that we are proud of them at every turn (and no I'm not advocating telling them they are vile and frankly, when snotty, an embarrassment), we are encouraged to spout the 'You can be what ever you want to be' mantra, and at party time, pass-the-parcel now has to be sure to contain the EXACT number of layers so that EVERY CHILD gets a turn and ...and every layer must have a prize!

We are in Wonderland, where everybody has won and all shall have prizes!

Life is not like that. Childhood is practice for life. Playing is important but only if we let it be real. I don't suggest snapping all your child's toys into pieces and yelling 'Life is tough! Deal with it!' when they are 4, but letting your child win every game (or even 'a fair share' of games) doesn't help them.

All animals play and as they grow and get older the play changes too. Play is a way animals learn about their peers, what will work at making a friend or an enemy, how to get along, how to stay safe. If we tell our children all to 'play nice' that might be fine until the day they come across a child that has never been told that. I have always told DD we don't do hitting. But I have also (for example) explained how to keep herself safe should someone hit her! (no one has ever hit her so she has never, yet, had to use the advice)

Children need time to find things out with minimal adult supervision as they grow. We need to keep them alive and free from injury; but hurt feelings, and how to deal with them, are a thing that needs to be learned. Being sad and the feelings that surround that are very real, play can help children learn how to cope later when they are adults.

Failing is something that will happen one day (unless you are amazingly lucky!) and far better that you have learned how to cope with failure when it was (relatively) unimportant than to have it thrust upon you for the first time as a young adult.

Children certainly need to know we love them, but not that we love them because they are clever, or a winner, or pretty, we love them because they are 'them'.

Do you remember the first time you failed or were sad or felt something wasn't fair? Were you a child? How did you cope?

Maybe you think I'm wrong? Should childhood be a happy protected time where fairness and laughter rule?

Love to hear your comments.

Romance in the snow

Someone moving their car..or telling me they love me? Who knows :-)

Being a party pooper, balloons

I sometimes see things about organising a 'balloon release' and my heart sinks. Like everyone else I think the sight of hundreds of balloons soaring up into a blue sky is a beautiful thing, trailing tags with notes of love to heaven, what a gorgeous idea...but balloons come down, and when they do they kill things, lots of things.

They fall into rivers, get snarled in trees, drift to the sea, and wildlife get's caught up or eats the burst skins of the balloons (particualrly turtles that naturally eat jellyfish drifting in the sea)

You wouldn't organise a mass litter. Please don't organise a balloon release.(Ditto 'sky lanterns')  Maybe you need more convincing, if so here are some links. I'd appreciate it if you spread the word.

 

Marine Conservation Society

Balloons Blow

And if I've convinced you to change your mind. Here are some other things you could do that would not harm our planet.

I especially like this idea 

"Floating flowers- For a lot of people, the gently upward drifting of balloons gives them a sense of letting go, and at the same time thinking the balloon will eventually reach their loved one. Because remembering a loved one by potentially killing another life isn’t exactly the best feeling, there are many alternatives. Floating flowers or flower petals down a calm stream can give you the same sense of letting go. You will be able to be in nature and feel the energy of your loved one and all the life that surrounds you! Be sure to use non-poisonous flowers and not to let go an excessive amount."

We only have one chance, let's not screw it up - I want a beautiful planet for future generations. I hope you do too.

All Pictures Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos

Lyric Appreciation

I realise Olly Murs is not everyones cup of tea, in fact on Twitter at least people see to have rather taken against the cheeky little Essex boy. I on the other hand find him rather endearing. He always sounds quite genuine on radio and television so either he is or he's an excellent actor. He seems fairly cheerful and unpretentious, young and fun-loving. And I like his poppy music too. Long ago I had a long moan/rant about Bruno Mars whose lyrics I loathed so to redress a balance here are some lyrics I love

My heart skips-skips-skips-skips-skips-skips a beat.
I can see you're not yourself
Even when you're here with me
I know that you're somewhere else
So put another record on
Kiss and lead me on
Nothing really matters when we're dancing
Listen to the same sad song playing on repeat
'Cause every time we come this close, my heart skips, skips a beat
So come on, spin me around
Now I don't wanna go home
Cause when you hold me like this you know my heart skips, skips a beat
I know I should, but I can't leave it alone
And when you hold me like this that's when my heart skips, skips a beat
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
So hung up
We can't let go
If you really have to leave
One more time just move me slow
So put another record on
Play it on repeat,
Nothing really matters when we're dancing
Cause all you ever need to know, is what you do to me,
And every time you hold me close, my heart skips, skips a beat
So come on, spin me around
Now I don't wanna go home
Cause when you hold me like this you know my heart skips, skips a beat
I know I should, but I can't leave it alone
And when you hold me like this that's when my heart skips, skips a beat
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos  

I love these lyrics because they are about the singer and his emotions not blaming someone else for how he feels, because it's getting back to an old fashioned love song, the sort where just being with someone is enough to make your heart skip, not that you want to suddenly rip of her clothes and ravish her on the dancefloor, not that you are full of a desire to die horribly (take note Mr Mars) just that being with someone makes you happy, silly happy and you don't want the evening to end.

Sweet, boppy and I like it. So there.

(oh and another song on the 'It's not big and it's not clever and I loathe it' list is Black Heart)

The Teen

slow silence, in a shadowed room

long into the morning still the gloom

of curtains left unpulled

the twilight world of mobile phone glow

of clothes that won't go

by themselves to the laundry basket

steady listening to the loud beat

of relentless songs on repeat

but no talking to anyone

one day the light will dawn

and the caterpillar, finally born

a butterfly, a daughter will emerge

Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos

 
A poem...what I just wrote.

Remember

I remember the fallen.

 I think of the struggle and pain of individual men and women fighting all over the world. 

And I don't like it. 

The remembering of the war, the great war, the war to end all wars, was to ensure it never happens again. We are not doing very well: but still I remember. This year as always I shall be silent at 11am on the 11th day of the 11th month and think of the dead. I shall pray that sometime in the future the dead we remember will not be recent dead but soldiers from long in the past. Pray that eventually we will come to our senses and stop killing each other.

Something Borrowed and Something blue

Weddings (and Civil partnerships). They are imbued with superstition and tradition in a way few other celebrations are, and the biggest tradition of all seems to be that each new generation will pay more for their elaborate day than the next. I was prompted to write this following a news paper article (I use the term 'News Paper' loosely - it's the Daily Fail) in which a couple we poorly treated (by mistake) by a potential venue choice. 

The slight affront to the couple was upsetting, but as I joked on twitter – maybe the venue was right, after all – who sells their story to the Daily Mail! 

But it wasn’t the actual story that sparked my interest but the casual (bragging?) way the cost of everything was flung about. £1000 to let off their own firework display (a firework display!?) £240 per person (for what? Some food and a nice table? Maybe some music?) Over £10 000 spent on the reception. Never mind the cost of the rings, the dress, the bridesmaids’ dresses, the pageboys, the photographer, the bouquets and so on and so on 

I’ve heard people say they wouldn’t marry ‘because of the expense’ but getting married is cheap! And quick, and fairly fuss free, it’s the reception that costs the money, the cars, the suits, the hire of venues. I was married 20 years ago, we had a rather fabulous party afterwards in PizzaExpress. The staff were delightful, decorating the restaurant, sending us a card, and waiting on us hand and foot, everyone ordered from the usual menu, we ate, we drank champagne we had a great time. My grandmother made the cake and organised the flowers. When we settled the bill, it was less than £200, and even at today’s prices I bet it would be less that £30 a head including drinks.

Surely wedding receptions are just parties, you invite family and friends to have a nice time, to share your joy. I don’t know about your friends, but mine are not hanging round for the money and the free drink (just as well – they’d wait a long time) they are my friends, tea and cake in the back garden, drinks at a pub, a picnic in the woods, all would be fun with my friends. 

Now it’s true a wedding is a big event, and yes ideally it should only happen once in your life (stop laughing cynically at the back! If you assume it will happen multiple times it makes all this fuss far far worse!) But getting married should be about a lifetime, not a day. You will remain married for years and years. Waking on the first day of your married life to a heap of expensive presents might be nice, but a debt? Or the debt of your parents? Or the knowledge that you could have paid off a chunk of mortgage but can now barely afford a holiday next year, or at all…. 

Who are you getting married for? Why are you getting married? I suggest that if you are having a big party for ‘family’ or ‘your mum’ then it’s a mistake. If you are getting married because ‘you want to wear a wedding dress’ or ‘you want a big party’ then it’s a mistake. A marriage is a public declaration of love and commitment, and a legal document to confer some rights, people should marry because they want to marry. I read somewhere once that ‘the length of the marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding” I have no idea if that’s true, I doubt it is really but it sounds like the sort of superstition or tradition we should consider adopting.