So you have an extra adult living in your home.

My daughter is not just a teenager, she became that 5 years ago, no she is now AN ADULT. As an adult she can do adult things.

Last Friday she fell in the door drunk after being sent home early by mates because a club wouldn't let her in (she was too intoxicated apparently - which she strenuously and slurrily denied) 

Her bedroom is still a teen land of danger, no one should venture in, clothes litter the floordrobe and various bottles of beauty products are scattered beneath the mirror shrine to instagram. Windows are never opened and curtains rarely drawn, it's a world of gloom, and complex disorder.

On the whole though, like many adults she is pretty responsible. She has a car (gifted! because she did well at her A levels) and she has a full time job.  She is never late for work, works hard and is appreciated by those she works with.

At home, when requested, (though never spontaneously) she will do chores around the house, sweeping, hoovering, dusting, walking the dog etc etc. Though of course 'tidy your room' is not a chore that currently seems possible.

So I have a new adult in the house, I can send her out to buy beer, ask her to pick up things in the car (including me!) it's rather fantastic and strange.

As yet I haven't asked her for rent. It all seems a tad new and weird, this new adult in the house. For years she had pocket money from us, and now I'm looking at that money flowing the other way.

And I'm wondering how to proceed, there are few manuals about teens, there are no 'Mum and Teen' church groups to join, as there were toddler groups, I rarely chat to other mums of teens and it's hard to do that anyway because as parents we don't want to disrespect our offspring's privacy. 

So here I am, embarking on a new chapter, a new adult in our house, living here, eating here, being messy here, how soon should she be contributing here too? Is it too late? Should I have started on day one of paid work?! Is it too soon, is it nice to allow your teen a bit of fun (assuming you can afford it) when they first start earning?

I'd love for other mums and dads of adults to let me know their opinion, or what they have done, and even what they wished had or hadn't done! I guess like much of parenting there are no hard and fast rules and what works for one may not work for another, we all just muddle along. 

DD is 18 and I'm not sure if I'm still 'mummy'

This month DD turned 18. She's an adult. While she still has a few months of sixth form college left, she can drive, and she can buy booze (though she is teetotal) and she can get married and vote.

For the last 18 years I've been 'Tattooed Mummy' (well only tattooed for the last 12 years but still...) and now I wonder, when you have grown up children are you still mummy? I think I've moved into 'mum' territory, and it feels like a big change - I refuse to let DD call me by actual name though!

I'm so proud that DD has turned out to be a (mostly) lovely teen. Caring and polite (untidy and lackadaisical), helpful (when asked) and reliable; but now I'm more mum than mummy, fewer cuddles, less being asked to 'kiss it better' if she falls, more asking what time she'll be home.

I think my role now has moved into the advice section, no longer am I the all-knowing one, but I still have my uses, explaining how tax works, telling her the best places to get petrol, and suggesting ways to crisp up her roast potatoes, so not totally useless quite yet.

DD didn't want a big party for her 18th. Saying she didn't want to drink and most of her friends are underage anyway, so that in the end it was a quiet family affair.

I sort of miss throwing toddler parties if I'm honest. (Parents of toddlers reading this in amazed horror - no really I do!) Toddler parties can be themed and have simple games, young children love to play pass the parcel, enjoy jelly and will eat egg sandwiches without fuss. Teens demand specifics, some want alcohol and a houseful of other random drunk teens.

So when I was asked recently by Party Bags and Supplies if I would like to review a themed party set I was disappointed that I couldn't leap at the chance, I toyed with the idea of having a Star Wars themed party for Mr TM (who is about to turn 71!) but he's not really a party animal either (must be where DD gets it from).

If DD was turning 8 instead of 18 I could plan a party around pets or Mario Karts or Super Hero Girls. I could choose Minions or Hello Kitty, Jurassic World dinosaurs or mad scientist (actually mad scientist is so cool I might get this for MY birthday next year - we could make cocktails in test tubes...) or maybe I'm more My Little Pony...

Party Bags and Supplies really is a cool site that helps you sort a party out all in one place. Plates, table cloths, cups, napkins, party bags and gifts, all sorted at reasonable prices. The even have those fun cardboard cutouts for maximum selfie fun!

The competition has ended 

Gross books for gross kids

OK the title to this post is a tad misleading. While the books may be gross I don't think kids are, but they do all seem to go through phases of being fascinated with things that, as adults, we have been conditioned to see as 'not nice' or 'not to be talked about' so it's a jolly good thing that some books are around that cover these subjects to help us squeamish adults cope with life, and kids.

I have just been rereading Snuff: (Discworld Novel 39) (Discworld Novels)by Sir Terry Pratchett and Vimes's son Sam is fascinated with poo and dirt throughout the book, which made me think about children's books that we had loved..

So here are my suggestions for 'gross books' based on books that DD had a smaller person, and that we both really enjoyed, because you know what? Poo IS funny!

Dr Dog - Babette Cole
A book about a family dog that happens to also be a Dr. He struggles with his family as they are rather silly and at times quite disgusting, sharing hairbrushes, scratching their bums and farting far too loudly. Along the way Dr Dog teaches small children some hygiene tips and gives us all a laugh, he also gets rather exhausted...poor Dr Dog

Drop Dead - Babette Cole
Another book by the same author looking at the stark fact that however exciting and wonderful (or not) our lives may be, we will all suffer the same fate in the end and just Drop Dead. Tackled with love and humour this is a funny book for small children. It only tackles death due to old age, and does have a weird reincarnation hint at the end, but is simple and funny. As always with Babette's books the artwork is lovely.

The story of the little mole who knew it was none of his business -
This was bought for DD when she was small and soon became a firm favourite at bedtime. A mole finds himself in the unfortunate position of being pooed upon. Having poor eyesight he is not sure of the culprit so he sets off to find out, and to exact his revenge. On the way he explores many types of poo. Poo lovers will enjoy this book, and will find it invaluable on trips to farms to help identify poop.

Here Comes the Poo Bus - Andy Stanton
A Bus is coming to take the insects to the seaside! The bus is made of poo so who could resist? A totally gross story in rhyme of a trip to the seaside, some laugh out loud moments, some truly horrible illustrations and a rather dark ending make this a hilarious read for all!

There are many other poop themed books for small children, but I cannot say I have read them all!
Books about Poop

But what about wee I hear you ask! I'm glad you raised that point!

Why not have a read of :

Father Christmas needs a wee -Nicholas Allan
In which Father Christmas tries to deliver presents before he goes to the loo. Any child who has hopped about declaring they don't need the loo yet will be able to appreciate Santa's predicament...will he be in time? Read this rhyming book out load for tense chuckles and to find out the answer! But don't laugh too hard!

I want my Potty! (Little Princess)  -
Any parent who has run through the house with a potty will  be cringing along with the story in this book. The Princess needs her potty, but where is it? and where is she? Who is in charge and can they get the potty to her before it's too late?

Mummy Laid and Egg - Babette Cole
And last but by no means least - my favourite book ever about sex. A manual for everyone, from 3 years and up. Take care with the ways 'mummies and daddies fit together' some of the ways are not for the faint hearted...or those with poor balance. The perfect book to teach children where babies come from.

Have I missed any books that you love that are slightly (or even very) gross? Do let me know in the comments.

Meanwhile I'm off to read my book (yes I really have a copy, and yes it is full of glossy photos of poo)

Post contains Amazon affiliate links - if you buy a book via these links I get a small percentage, and it costs you nothing.

Baby sleep, would you consider controlled crying?

Why would anyone leave a baby to cry?

I did.

Would I do it again? Most probably not if the circumstances were the same, but in some circumstances, yes, yes I'd try it, and before you shout me down here's what I did, and why I would, or wouldn't do it again.

When DD was born (17 years ago!)  I was a novice mum. I didn't have a lot of close friends living near and none that had babies. All my school mates had moved away and none were married. My mum lived hundreds of miles away. The Internet existed but not with social media like it is today. I joined a small message board of mums, they were almost all American, everything from our 'diaper' choices to feeding methods were very different, though everyone was friendly. Mostly I bought some books and took advice from my midwives and health visitors (who were all lovely and really helpful btw)

When DD was born I was able to take a year off from work and Mr TM was already retired (and planning to be a SAHD and DD's main carer when I went back to work) so we had a whole year, just us and a baby (and 2 dogs). In the first few weeks I didn't get much sleep. Although Mr TM slept in a separate room (so he could be awake in the day and do lots of the chores, walk the dogs etc,) night feeds, in fact all feeds, were provided by my boobs so I had to be awake. Feeding on demand was recommended (quite rightly imo) at least in the first weeks to help milk supply. A feed could take an hour with a 2 hour nap after (for DD!)  and then more feeding, so you can imagine how tired a breastfeeding mum is, also she's making milk, in itself tiring - medals all round ladies!

Also anyone that tells you to 'sleep when the baby sleeps' is an idiot. Do they suggest a quick nap in aisle 8 of Sainsbury? A 20 minute sleep while driving? A doze in the park while walking the dogs? You are using those 2 hour windows of sleeping baby to wash, eat, clean the house, chat to adults, just 'be'. 

 So by week six I was running on fumes. I had no idea at the time that I had Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease (which has the joyous side effect of making you more tired than 'normal' people, and making ordinary tasks more tiring still) so that may explain some of it, but what ever, by week 6, late one night as DD cried, after I'd tried feeding, changing, cuddles, singing, swearing, begging, crying (me not her)  I looked to books for advice and I read about letting babies cry.

In the 50s babies were encouraged to cry. It was 'good for their lungs', gave them some exercise, and, if done outside, got them some 'fresh air'. So it was with no surprise that I found many books that suggested the crying it out (CIO) method. This, apparently relied on checking everything was well with the baby, they were fed, burped, changed, clean and cuddled, and them popping them safely into pram or bed and leaving them to it. They would eventually fall asleep.

Even in my desperate state this sounded a tad tragic! Poor little baby, no doubt it would sob itself through hysteria into exhaustion and then fall asleep. So it would work, but at what cost? And wouldn't the baby get more distressed at each consecutive bedtime? Knowing and learning that bed and pram was a lonely prison?  No CIO was not for me.

Then I read about the controlled Crying method (CC) controlled crying started the same way, check baby was fed, burped, changed, clean and cuddled, and them popping them safely into pram or bed, but then not leaving them until they slept, but rather, settling them, saying a calm goodnight, and leaving, if they cried, waiting a minute before returning, settling the baby again, leaving, if they cried waiting 2 minutes, settling the baby again, leaving, if they cried waiting 3 minutes...and , well you get the picture. This I could cope with.

I tried it...the first night was hell. When your baby cries, a minute feels like about 30 years. You have been sitting staring at the clock for an eternity (a minute) and then you rush to the baby, soothe, settle, leave and repeat. I was more tired after the first night of CC than before I had tried it! (she eventually fell asleep after 10 minutes). The second night I tried again....she was asleep after  5 minutes, and the third night, she settled and went to sleep with no tears at all...and the most amazing thing was that she also slept all night (well from 11pm at last feed until 6am and first feed - but that's all night in my book!) And this continued. I had a six week old baby that just went to bed at 11pm and slept through! (I'm sorry if you hate me - I'm sure luck plays a huge part here too)

I was a changed woman. Days were fun again. I could walk the dogs, Mr TM and I could spend time (awake) together. I could do cooking and housework. A miracle.

But...would I do it again, probably not.

I think as I had a year off and a supportive husband at home I could have just weathered the lack of sleep for a few months until she gradually learned nighttime was no fun, and reserved for sleeping.

If circumstances were different however, if I had to go back to work, or had other children to care for in the day, or no husband at home, then yes, I think I would at least try it for a few days. I think that if the times were getting longer to take the baby to settle, I would stop. If after a few nights she still wasn't settled happily at bedtime, I'd stop. But I think for exhausted parents, with other things and other family to manage, who don't have the luxury of focusing totally on a new baby, then yes CC has a place.

The conclusion I've come to is that lots of things that are 'best for baby' don't take anyone else into consideration. It's nice of you can do what's 'best for baby' but there are other people in the house too, mum, dad (maybe 2 mums, 2 dads whatever, you get the picture) other children, and there may be a job you need to go to to have money to feed and clothe everyone. So sometimes, what is best for baby is a fully functioning household.

And so I don my flame suit and pop this (sure to be unpopular) opinion out onto the Internet. I'd love your comments.

Is Father Christmas Real?

Father Christmas is a huge part of Christmas as far as I'm concerned. I remember waking on Christmas morning and scrambling to the end of my bed to find out what small toys and surprises were hiding in my well stuffed stocking.

In our house Father Christmas filled a real (nylon!) stocking that was hung on the end of our beds, or on the door handle, and presents ranged from a satsuma, through wind up toys, pencils, note books, sweets and power balls, to socks and lipsticks and other little nik-naks.

When DD arrived, Father Christmas once more began visiting, though DD has a purpose made stocking to hold the little things he brings each Christmas eve.

DD has had a stocking since she was a year old, only being 3 weeks old for her first Christmas.

This year DD is 17 and once again she will hang her stocking and we will all wait to see what Father Christmas brings.

Copyright: RTimages / 123RF Stock Photo

Once when DD was about 6 she asked me if I was Father Christmas.

"Do you think I am?" I asked "Do you think I would buy all those little presents as well as the main ones under the tree?, do you think I have the time?"

"Well" she said "some people at school say it's you mum and dad that are Father Christmas"

"Do they" I said "well maybe some parents fill Christmas stockings, maybe for the children that have stopped believing, I think if you believe in him he will still come."

And then I told her a story from my own childhood. One Christmas eve I was not feeling well (sick with excitement no doubt) and my parents came to my bedroom to sit with me and help me get to sleep. When they opened my door and came in, my stocking, hanging on the outside of my bedroom door, was limp and empty...after they sat with me for a while, my dad went to get me a glass of water, and when he opened the door...the stocking was hanging there full of presents. We were all in my room, no one was in the house, yet the stocking had been filled, what other explanation can there be but Father Christmas?

Sometimes DD would see an item in her stocking and say "They sell this in Tesco!" and I would confess, yes, I bumped into Father Christmas and told him she liked that particular thing.

Some years I would casually mention in the run up to Christmas " You'll never guess who I saw in Asda! Father Christmas!"

When DD turned about 9 years old she took me aside and very seriously said "When I leave home and have children of my own, you must tell me if you are Father Christmas, I don't want to be waiting for him to come when I should be doing it and then they won't have presents and it will be my fault!"

This year DD is 17 and she will hang her stocking once again, she has told me a few times (with a wink)  that I should mention to 'Father Christmas', if I bump into him in the shops, that she needs new mascara, and that she likes a particular shade of lipstick, and of course I'll pass that on, after all Father Christmas doesn't know much about makeup.

She knows that Father Christmas will always bring her presents for her stocking while she lives at home, and while she believes he will.

Wordy Wednesday's author interview with Rebecca Ann Smith

Hello and welcome once again to Wordy Wednesday - today with Becky Smith, her first novel, Baby X, has just been published by small press Mother’s Milk Books. It’s a psychological thriller about motherhood, technology and medical ethics.

“Alex Mansfield, the doctor leading a groundbreaking project to grow a human foetus in an artificial uterus, has gone on the run and taken the newborn baby with her. While the child’s parents wait anxiously for news, and the world’s media clamour for answers, Alex’s colleagues are shocked by her actions. Has Alex stolen the baby, or is there another motive behind her disappearance?
Baby X weaves science and medical ethics into an intimate thriller; asking questions without offering easy answers.”

Ooh sounds most intriguing, and the sort of story I really like to read. So let's find out more about our author of the day.

Do you have another job or are you a full time author? If you do something else (international spy?) what is it and do you like it?
I’d love to say I was an international spy, but I’m actually an Associate Director of an arts and education charity based in Lewes, East Sussex. I do enjoy it – we do a lot of varied and interesting projects – but I do wish I had more time to write.
At the moment – between work, family and work to promote Baby X all my time is committed. So I’m getting up very early in the morning to write my next book.

When did you start writing?
I started writing stories and poems when I was tiny and wrote all throughout my teens. I lost confidence with it in my twenties – I think doing a degree and then a Master’s in English Literature didn’t help… And then I started again in my thirties when I finally admitted how much I missed making things up.

What 3 things are guaranteed to make you smile?
I listen to a lot of podcasts, some serious science ones but also quite a lot of comedy. Current faves for a guaranteed giggle include Adam Buxton and Answer Me This.
The look on my kids’ faces when they do something they think is hilarious (like a silent-but-deadly fart).
If all else fails, Emily Gilmore makes me smile.

Do you have any pets?
No pets I’m afraid. One day I’d like to own a bearded dragon which would sit on my shoulder as I write.

Who is your favourite author?
The greatest influence on Baby X was Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale. I wanted to combine serious ideas about technology, society, and feminism with a good story full of suspense and tension, the way Atwood did in that book – although I know I’ve got a long way to go before I could claim to write as well as her.

Which book(s) are you reading at the moment?
I’m beta reading a book by a friend of mine, Neil McIntosh. It’s a thriller about memory and it’s creepy as hell – I’m not sure what the final title will be but he’s a name to watch out for.
I recently read Laura Lipman’s Wilde Lake and absolutely loved it. And My Name is Leon by Kit de Waal made me cry.

Where do you do most of your writing?
I write at my desk which is in our living room, so is only ever quiet either very early in the morning, or when everyone else is at work and school.
I’m quite good at filtering out distractions, and have been known to wear earplugs to get some writing done whilst blocking the sound of Saturday morning cartoons.

Tell us about the character that you've written that you like the most - no spoilers!
My favourite character in the book is the doctor, Alex. She’s clever, hard-working and committed, but also spiky and difficult, and there are times we might have reason not to trust her version of events. She’s likeable, but not too likeable, if you know what I mean.

What is your favourite biscuit?
And now onto serious matters! I must admit there aren’t a lot of biscuits I *don’t* like. We brought a box of all butter Breton biscuits back from our holiday in France this year and I could eat those by the fistful.

Tea or Coffee?
Both please!

In the film of your life who would play you?
Probably Susan Sarandon (although she’s quite a bit older than me, so I’m not sure how that would work). I like how tough and no nonsense she is. Plus, great hair.
If a time machine was on offer, Katherine Hepburn.

If you could genetically cross an animal and a vegetable, what would you pick and why? I like the idea of a sweet potato panda, a soft of soft orange bear....
The sweet potato panda sounds very cute. Or a bright orange mango kitten.

Baby X is available from Amazon or direct from my publisher Mother’s Milk Books http://www.mothersmilkbooks.com/
Becky has a website and blog at www.rebeccaannsmith.co.uk and you can find her on Facebook
On Twitter as @beckysmithhurst
Becky is always up for chatting with other writers on Twitter – it’s one of her favourite procrastination techniques.

Five ways your teen is the same as a toddler

So maybe you are reading this as the parent of a teen, in which case I expect you will nod along with at least a couple of these. If you are reading this, still in the innocence of life as the parent of a toddler, happily expecting things to change as they get older...well we are sorry, really we are, but sadly somethings never change...

• Your day still revolves around them

It used to be that you had a schedule based on feeding, naps and potty times. You ran them to music groups, mum and baby groups (or dad and baby groups). You organised play dates and marked craft time on the calendar. Now however, while the things you are organising have changed, you are still running your day according to the teen. You are nagging about homework, telling them to get up out of bed, to remember to put their washing in the laundry (or if you have them better trained than I do - nagging them to actually do some washing). You resist drinking alcohol in the evening in case you need to be a taxi later. And you are up late worrying and trying not to text too much when they are late home...which brings us nicely to:

• Sleep (or lack of it)

Once you used to find getting them to bed a chore, the never ending rounds of stories and drinks of water. The checking for monsters under the bed and the 'one more kiss'. And then, always just after you yourself had nodded off, the cry of 'MUM' or 'DAD' and a tiny crying body who had a nightmare, or wet the bed (I knew that last glass of water was a mistake), or just needed a cuddle, appears at the side of the bed, you either make room are get up and carry them back to their room, but both options usually result in not much more sleep. Now you would imagine that having a teen would put paid to all that, they can do it themselves, you'd think, but no. Now you have the constant getting them to bed battle but with added backchat of "I don't need to, I'm a grown-up" and once they are in bed, the eerie glow of a mobile as they check snapchat into the wee small hours, despite you calling to tell them to turn it off, only for them to complain they are too tired to get up for breakfast. And this is with out the perils of the teen 'going out' and not coming home and your own bedtime creeping by with no text or word from them..should you go to bed? should you stay up? Are they coming home at all? How can you sleep even if you do go to bed? and then...they are home! at 2am and they need a snack and a chat and dear lord will parents ever sleep again

• Fussy Eaters

This post was actually triggered by a real life event (not that the others aren't real - they just didn't trigger this post) on Saturday. One of DD's favourite meals is a chicken dish in tomato sauce served with rice. (remind me to post the recipe sometime) any way, the ingredients vary a bit depending on my mood and store cupboard, last time I made it I bunged in a few olives, which she diligently picked out, "I don't like the olives in it" she opined. So this time when I slung the olives in (because, dear reader, I like olives) I was prepared for the teenage moans..what I was not prepared for was "It's yummy, shame there aren't more olives in it though". So yes, you have a fussy 2 year old that happily eats a breadstick on Sunday only to cast it to the floor in furious displeasure on Monday, and you are hoping for this to settle down...well DD is 17 and there is, as yet, little sign of it.

• Clearing up after them

I assume you've heard about messy teen bedrooms? It's not a myth. Things grow in there. Green things in bowls and the base of coffee mugs, socks go there to die. Picking up a few stickle bricks is nothing, nothing I tell you, to the horror of a teenager's bedroom...let's move on...

• Adoring them

I know, I'm a slushy mum, but you know how you look at your angelic toddler sometimes (when they are being angelic or are asleep usually) and you just sigh with the perfect beauty and love of them? Yeah well that. When you teen emerges out of their pit room and is all dressed up looking gorgeous and young and vital, and they smile and say "I'm off out, back later" and you love them and feel that familiar warm glow of being a parent...which lasts right until you peek into their room...or are still up at 3am wondering where the hell they are...

Do you have a toddler or a teen? Or both (I'm praying for you) Do you recognise any of these scenarios? are are there any I've missed?

Thank You Letters

The last time I put pen to paper and wrote a thank you letter....hmm let me think...I thanked my best friend for the gift she sent for my 50th but that was a text, I thanked my daughter for my mothers' day gift but I thanked her in person. I thanked my American mate for something she sent but that was an email...no I think the last time I put pen to paper was when I was about 16.

When was the last time you wrote a thank you letter? And do you make your children write them? We have always made DD write cards and letters of thanks (drawing pictures when she was too small to write) and my friends all ensure that I receive a thank you card if I send their child a gift too. But are they really still necessary in today's busy electronic world?

A thank you I received in a recent Amazon delivery!

First things first, I don't usually expect a thank you letter or card if I give the present direct to the recipient. After all, I know they received it and they can say thank you there and then. I do however like a thank you letter if I have posted a gift, and if I receive a gift via the post I ensure I send some sort of thank you as a way of not only showing gratitude, but of letting the sender know that their gift arrived. And when DD was small and had large birthday parties, we ensured every child received a thank you card for coming, and for the gifts they brought.

Lately though I've realised that actually writing the letter may be a bit old fashioned. I'm not a Victorian. I can text, email, tweet, Facebook, Skype ... well you know the drill. So should I still be asking DD to write thank you letters? And should I be doing it too? Or not? I asked a few parenting bloggers if their kids wrote thank you letters:

Katy says "I've never received a thank you card for Christmas, only for a wedding or a new baby. That is fine with me too. I'll get my daughter to say thank you to people when she receives gifts." http://katykicker.com

Stevie says "I always used to mean to do it and bought cards every year just for that purpose, but we've gone 'modern' instead. The boys either text people, email them or give them a quick phone call to say thank you on the day." www.acornishmum.com

Milla says "I always mean to send them. Most years I even handmake thank you cards with my kids before Christmas (my logic being that the writing inside doesn't need to be as fulsome if the card is handmade ) but I hardly ever get round to actually sending the wretched things. Post-Christmas is such a mad time with family birthdays and back to school and calming down hyped-up kids." liveoxfordshire.com

Mary says " I'm old school. If someone had taken the time to send my son a present or give him money then he is writing them a thank you note. I think it's really rude when people don't acknowledge the fact we've given them a present. It doesn't need to be War and Peace, but he does need to make a little effort" http://Over40andamumtoone.com

Naomi says "I send them - usually a postcard of a recent photo of the kids. Mine are 4 and a baby, so at the moment I have "Thank you for my Christmas presents" and then write their names. When they are older they can write them themselves. I think it's polite - - if someone has gone to the effort of getting a gift for them, it's just a thank you. I should add, lots of our friends and family live some distance away, so we don't see them very often." Http://lifebynaomi.com

Louise says "We do thank you cards for birthdays and with Christmas I usually send a photo of the child with the present or a video of them saying thank you as the presents are mostly from family." Http://pinkpearbear.com

Beth says "I've never sent or received a thank you card for Christmas. We do for birthdays but not for Christmas. We are lucky though as usually see all the family who buy gifts so they can say thank you there & then. My Dad always says seeing their reaction is priceless so this means more than a thank you card I guess" http://Twinderelmo.co.uk

Dave (slightly shocked) say "I didn't even know this was a thing! Growing up, I always said thanks to people by ringing them or face to face when I next saw them. I kind of like the sentiment of spending the time to write a letter with / on behalf of Toddler L, but the truth is that we're never going to get around to doing that!" www.thedadventurer.com

Kate agrees with Dave and says "I didn't even know people did this. I was always taught to call or thank people in person, and then later my mum would send a picture of me playing/wearing said present. A lot of our friends live quite a distance away so this is probably going to be an option, however with modern technology you can Skype/FaceTime." Http://Lesbemums.com

Abi says "I always send them. We always sent them as kids so have just continued doing so. Even if we see the person to thank in person, I always follow up with a note. Might take me 6 months to post it, but it goes eventually! I may take a more modern approach of text/email as the kids get older/ we have more!" Www.somethingaboutbaby.co.uk

Sophie says "Writing thank you letters and cards after receiving birthday or Christmas presents was drummed into me at an early age. We HAD to send them, even if we had sent 'thank you' in person or when we had opened the present in front of them. As I got older I got nagged as I tried to explain that saying 'thank you' in person or on the phone should be enough. I can't imagine what the postage costs were! When I talked to friends or my husband about their etiquette most were quite surprised about the letter writing. These days the relatives who used to send a card for any occasion have started barely sending any, probably due to cost of postage and I'm happy to email." http://www.sophieandlily.co.uk

Cat say "I do it for older relatives and distant relations who are 'that type' but now I usually send a quick picture message or short video with a bit of text saying 'thanks for your pressie'" rockandrollpussycat.co.uk

Jayne says "I'm useless at thank you cards. I try and take nice pictures of the kids and the gifts and attach a message saying thank you." http://kidskicksandcloth.com/

Steph says "I always make sure we send thank you cards. I write them and the children sign them (as they are too young to write a whole card). I always find it really rude when I don't get a thank you from others. I'd be more than happy with a text / email/ call but it amazes me that some people don't acknowledge the pressie at all." http://www.hellobabyblog.co.uk

Laura says "With four children and countless gifts, it really isn't feasible for me to get them to write out thank you cards (more so as three are unable to write!). I tend to do a group text or share a post on facebook tagging everyone to say thank you, or if it's an elderly relative we phone them up to say thank you as they seem to expect a more personal thank you." www.fivelittledoves.com

Lucinda says "Once children can write they HAVE to write their own thank you letter whether they have opened it In front of the giver or not. I think they have to think about the thought and action that went into choosing a present for them, and thank accordingly. Old school maybe but we don't want the next generation to lose the art of being able to write a hand written letter!" www.thelondonmummy.com

Claire says "I myself have never sent thank you letters for anything or received, I've rung or texted the person to say thank you and wish them merry Christmas etc as it is important to take a few minutes to show gratitude for the people who've spent their time and money on gifting something thoughtful. I'll definitely be encouraging my little boy to do the same, at the moment while he is so young my partner and I will send a picture of him using the gift and whatsapp it or email it to the person who gifted it or we will say thanks ourselves over the phone but we will definitely be encouraging our little one to do the same. Letters & cards etc takes so much time!" www.dearmummybear.wordpress.com

Lara says "Hmm, maybe I'm old school then! We always send them and making them doubles as a fun wet weather activity! I think it's really important to teach them to thank people for their gifts. However we never receive them from other family members, only from friends Which is a shame. I totally get that modern life is busy and I expect once the boys are older it will be more likely to be a digital thank you but for now it's important we do it in physical form. It also means we take the time to remember whom each gift has come from." www.adventuresofamum.com

Rebecca says "We always thank when the present is received but maybe not after opening it. Oh I am so hopeless at sending thank you cards. I always buy cards to send but keep forgetting!" Http://becster.com

Jennifer says "When my children were tiny I'd make sure thank you cards were sent for every gift, I'd do a crafty afternoon with them get out the glitter and decorate some cards, then I'd write and send them. As they got older and could write themselves this turned into something much more time consuming. Now we'll make and send cards to a few people, such as elderly relatives but if it's someone who's on social media we're more likely to take a photo with the gift and send that to say thank you." Http://www.mymummyspennies.com

Laura says "I love getting thank yous so always make sure we say thank you to people. I write notes for older people that have posted things but younger relatives I'll send a video of the kids saying thank you or type a message or email. I'm not ever so organised though so it is sometimes a while after the event." Www.wafflemama.uk

So it seems we agree that some sort of thank you is in order, we mostly agree that cards and letters are nice (especially for older relatives that may not be as tech savvy) but that it maybe we are moving into a digital era where a 'Thank you Youtube clip' might soon take the place of a card - what a shame Vine is closing down, all those thank yous, sorted in 6 seconds each!

What do your family do? Do you write thank you letters?

Stationery haul giveaway

I think it's been a while since I've done a giveaway - and as I'm just a little blog (yes I know you imagine I'm world famous but really dear reader, I'm not) it's just a small giveaway that I am funding myself.

So here we are - a few fun bits of glamorous stationery to help you organise your life (or just your blog!) or to use as a gift.

The rules of the giveaway are simple, you must use the rafflecopter entry thingy below. There are lots of ways to enter and you can do one or more of the entry methods. None are mandatory - sadly as I'm paying the postage this giveaway is open to UK addresses only.

Does Parenting Change When You Have a Gay Teen?

My daughter, the lovely DD is 16.

She has really blossomed lately, budgeting for herself, suddenly deciding (against her parents wishes) to have her waist length hair cut to shoulder length, becoming more outgoing, getting herself to and from college without always relying on 'mum's taxi', letting us know when she'll be late and making new college mates and hanging out at coffee shops. In short she has become a teenager at last. So 'almost an adult' that it hurts to think about it.

My baby is testing her wings.

As a parent I know that this is what it's all been about, preparing her for life and for leaving us, but as a parent I also feel the pain of that 'almost loss'.

I'm so proud of her. She did well at her GCSEs, is doing all the A levels she wanted to, is making new friends, and is looking happy. Happier than she has in a while, and she's always been a happy child. Maybe this happiness is linked to the fact that she finally plucked up the courage to come out to her friends as well as her parents.

Yes dear reader, I am the mum of my own little gay! She told me by accident in a mistaken Facebook message back in January, and, well, I behaved fairly predictably. First I checked she sent me the image to tell me something, and not just because it was cute or funny (she often sends me weird memes via messenger) , and then when that was confirmed, I just said "OK" and on we went.

Being a Wise Woman, or a Killer Whale

Earlier today - interested by the mysterious headline "What can killer whales teach us about the menopause?" I had a read of a BBC article. Sadly it was not a ground breaking moment of clarity about hormones and physical changes. It was a moment of anger and rage!

At first I merely tweeted -

"The menopause is a puzzle for biologists. Why would the female of a species cease to reproduce half way through her life, when natural selection favours characteristics that help an individual's genes survive?"

Maybe because women have other skills that help improve the gene pool and the survival of the young as well as actually making the babies? Maybe old women have a purpose too!

""From an evolutionary perspective, it's very difficult to explain," says Prof Darren Croft, who travels here from the UK's University of Exeter to study the whales." says a man ...maybe we women know things, maybe we can teach things!

Seriously sometimes scientists can be dim.

but the more I thought about it the angrier I became. Were scientists (or at least one scientist) really saying that they had always thought that once we couldn't make babies women were useless? Based on that, even in animal and evolutionary terms they were saying female animals are only about babies. I assume that all animals while needing to make babies are also about keeping those babies alive. Making a new whale, or a new human, is important to carry on your genes but if you just leave it (especially among mammals which tend to be born fairly small and weedy) then your genes will die out pretty fast along with your baby!

In nature and still, often, in humans the bulk of rearing the young falls to the mother, often because of breastfeeding (those awkward breasts - being fixed to us as they are) and just the way things are. So if you are rearing young, pregnant and then rearing more young, you are pretty busy. (I see you new mums nodding) One of the things you are busy at is learning. Learning how to raise babies for a start! Your manly male may be off teaching hunting to the rest of the pod but that doesn't mean your skills are useless, just different.

So without being a scientist, or a professor of anything, it seems pretty clear to me that female mammals need a bit of time when baby rearing is totally off the table, to focus on teaching. Leaving that until after they have had time to learn makes some sense too.

To me the menopause is the start of that movement into 'wise woman' status. And while modern humans can share baby raising, share feeding (how handy to have bottles that make detatching a baby from the mum so easy!) and can control their fertility and pregnancies, it wasn't that long ago (in evolutionary terms) that we couldn't.

Like killer whales we seem to live fairly complex lives; and having the ability to pass on information without the complication of babies seems pretty clever to me. After all males are burdened until death with sexual desire. Something older female mammals can move away from (and before you all shriek, yes I know older ladies like sex...shhhh) Males of many species often retain the testosterone instincts to fight and hunt too, leaving those pesky useless women at home.

The mysterious wise women of folklore, that 'scary' knowledgable witch, is a real person, with midwifery skills learned from years of doing it right (after all - if you got it wrong you would die) and skills in childhood illnesses and finding useful foodstuffs that babies could eat. These are skills to pass on to your own offspring, because your genes mustn't die! And you might not have time if you are busy still raising babies, to teach your daughter what she needs to know.

I can't help wondering if we would have come as far along the evolutionary path as we have if women had all died as soon as fertility finished. Longer life gives rise to greater learning, and a better ability to pass things form generation to generation.

So the article just seemed to confirm the obvious, that women, even old women, have a place of genetic evolutionary importance. And I didn't need to go to university, or study killer whales to know that...it seems I just needed to be old.


Read the full article:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-37025092

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Whale Image Copyright: desertsolitaire / 123RF Stock Photo

Woman and child Image Copyright: digitalpress / 123RF Stock Photo

New Puppy in the House!

In the dark and distant pass Mr TM and I got together, after many years we got married and we planned to be a unit, just us no children. As time passed I felt sad with nothing to 'mother' so we got a dog. Diesel, my very first Border Terrier, a breed I was to grow to love, as was Mr TM.

Diesel as a puppy , napping

When Diesel was 3 years old we decided to have a child after all. Fearful that my 'furbaby's nose would be fimly out of joint by this arrival, when I was 4 months pregnant we introduced Jeep another BT into the house. Diesel was suitably annoyed and they grew up together, doing terrier stuff as my daughter grew.

Jeep aged about 2 years

When Jeep got a brain tumour and after nearly a year of treatment to keep it at bay, we sadly said goodbye to her, Diesel was too old to introduce another young dog to. So our old grumpy fella lived out his last years alone. 3 years ago we said goodbye to him too. Being suddenly dog-less felt weird, but a mix of the new freedom and the grief of losing 2 much loved pets made us pause. We paused...and paused...DD wanted a puppy...soon I wanted a puppy too but Mr TM is the SAHD and he does the chores and the dog walking, and the dog-hair-vacuuming, so the final say was down to him.

Diesel and Jeep in old age

2 weeks ago he suddenly decided that a tiny dog we had seen at a local rescue, who we thought had been rehomed, but was unexpectedly available again, might be for us. As a family we went to the local rescue, filled in forms, answered questions, and were rejected. We were told that not only was the small dog we had wanted unsuitable for us (as she could not be left alone at all, ever, not even for ten minutes due to separation anxiety issues) but that there were no small dogs at all in the rescue that were suitable. We went sadly home, thinking we would just have to wait. But after a family conference we thought maybe a puppy was the right choice for us, it had worked in the past, a dog grows up to know all the routines, any habits a puppy gets tend to be your habits. And sadly while we have time to housetrain a puppy - we don't have the time or the skills to cope with a dog with deeper issues/problems.  And so I planned the longer (usually) search for a pedigree puppy ... a border terrier naturally - Mr TM had spoken!

I phoned around and as expected no pups were available without a long wait, I was offered a very young unchipped puppy form one breeder which I confess raised a red flag with me and then...in a strange complicated stroke of luck I spoke to a lady who not only had a puppy but she was ready to go to a new home! I met this wonder pup on Saturday and of course she is now ours.

I would like to introduce Fizz (Arizcrow Pizazz) the new TM wonder puppy. Already gaining in confidence and showing signs of extreme naughtiness cleverness.

I shall be boring you will regular updates. ...pupdates

Follow Fizz's adventures on her own Instagram. or On my Twitter and Facebook page

Things I love about being a mum

This morning on Facebook the lovely Fi at ChildCareisFun mentioned how she was sad to see so many 'I hate being a mum' posts online, not just 'I had a bad day' but proper I hate being a mum blog posts.
I thought that part of the problem was that if you claim you love being a parent, that your life is nice, happy and generally good, people see you as smug and a bit of a bitch to be honest. So I think mums (and dads) are scared to say - this is ace! I love it!
Maybe the fact that you like being a mum and they don't, makes them feel defensive and angry?  Maybe they had a succession of bad days and forgot the good days. Maybe they do really hate being a parent. I don't know. But whatever, not all parents feel the same. So I'm here to balance things up.
I'm one of those weirdos that had an easy time with the birth, loved it all. Who enjoyed pregnancy (even the vomiting) and who loves being a mum, every day.
I thought about writing a rant. But decided a poem was nicer.
So here is my poem. About being a mum.

Things I love (and loved)  about being a mum

A Poem

Waking early at 3 to the sound of her tears.
Being her comfort for all of these years.
Holding her close as a she snuffles and drinks,
holding her less close as she starts to stink!
Cleaning her bottom at a quarter past ten,
then at half past eleven, I do it again!
A basket of washing, sits sopping wet,
the machine not working, and yet and yet,
those so tiny socks are catching my eye,
laying there waiting, nearly making me cry.
Such small clothes for such a small child,
who soon will be big and running me wild.
Changing a sheet that is soaked in wee,
and a tiny sad face pleading with me
that they know they can do it, no nappies required
but accidents happen when you are so tired.
Wobbly bike riding, a crash on the lawn.
A nightmare needs snuggles though it's nearly dawn.
I drag myself, knackered, from comfy warm bed
because someone woke early and now bumped their head.
Packing a bag for a day out seems barmy,
I carry enough to maintain a small army!
First day at nursery the tears are all mine,
I ring my own mum who says 'she will be fine'.
A wasted day worrying when I could be free,
but missing my 'baby' who should be with me.
Paintings on fridges and pasta shell 'jewels'
fondly admired as the nighttime drink cools.
And now she's at school and is going alone,
the time is just whizzing and 'my how she's grown'.
She has her own phone and she snapchats her mates
and she talks about popstars and going on dates.
Next month is her prom all sparkle and dresses
and 'my hair just won't curl' is the top of the stresses.
I've been a mum now for 16 short years
surviving on love, and on wine,and on beers
from the very first moment I gazed in her eyes
every day has been filled with joy and surprise
that I made a new person, who is gorgeous and clever
and have I regretted it? not once, not ever.

as always I'd love your comments - come and chat over at Facebook