Does Parenting Change When You Have a Gay Teen?

My daughter, the lovely DD is 16.

She has really blossomed lately, budgeting for herself, suddenly deciding (against her parents wishes) to have her waist length hair cut to shoulder length, becoming more outgoing, getting herself to and from college without always relying on 'mum's taxi', letting us know when she'll be late and making new college mates and hanging out at coffee shops. In short she has become a teenager at last. So 'almost an adult' that it hurts to think about it.

My baby is testing her wings.

As a parent I know that this is what it's all been about, preparing her for life and for leaving us, but as a parent I also feel the pain of that 'almost loss'.

I'm so proud of her. She did well at her GCSEs, is doing all the A levels she wanted to, is making new friends, and is looking happy. Happier than she has in a while, and she's always been a happy child. Maybe this happiness is linked to the fact that she finally plucked up the courage to come out to her friends as well as her parents.

Yes dear reader, I am the mum of my own little gay! She told me by accident in a mistaken Facebook message back in January, and, well, I behaved fairly predictably. First I checked she sent me the image to tell me something, and not just because it was cute or funny (she often sends me weird memes via messenger) , and then when that was confirmed, I just said "OK" and on we went.

Spying - is it ever OK?

Spying. Is it ever OK.

I’m not talking about countries sending agents undercover, or industrial espionage. I’m not talking hiring private detectives, or wearing false moustaches, or cunning disguises and following people. In fact I don’t really think I mean spying…maybe I’ll start again.

Watching what your kids get up to. Is it ever OK.

Ah that sounds better. More like what I’m going to talk about with the added benefit it makes me sound like less of a weird stalker of my own child.
I adore the DD, infuriating as she can be, and since the age of 8 she has had a mobile phone. At 13 she got a Facebook account and now at 15 she has a laptop of her own, snap chat, twitter, a blog (long neglected!) , email…well you get the picture. She has a busy online life.

When she was younger we added an app to her phone that would either ring the phone when the phone was lost (even if the phone was set to silent) or would send back a location text to the texter (you needed a secret code of course) and she knew about the app, she liked that it helped to find her phone, and she understood that it would also let us find her location if she had the phone with her when she went out.

Once she got Facebook my biggest worry was not her being groomed and kidnapped (though that was up in the top ten worries), my biggest fear was cyberbullying and the worry that she wouldn’t tell me. So I set her email to forward to mine.

Her email still forwards to mine now – I never read the email, I usually just delete it, but there is security in knowing that it’s there. That if there was a problem I can check what’s going on. (Not that that was of any help to Breck Bednar’s mum who knew exactly what was happening and even called the police) DD knows that I get the emails and that I don’t read them. She seems ok with it, my own computer log on at home is not secret; she can check my emails as easily as I can check hers. We are friends on Facebook too, she asked me! And we follow each other on twitter, and Pinterest.
Mainly I’ve found the fact we are open and talk about online issues helps the most, she knows not to reveal too much about herself, she knows that people lie and she will talk to me about things that upset her.

 I read recently that some parents think microchipping their children with GPS tracking chips is the way forward! I was stunned, even I think that's a step too far!

Do you keep an eye on your child’s online life? Is it OK to? And when do you stop! I don’t want to be the spying mum but it’s hard to let go. (Hello Mum, I know you are reading this, I'm fine)

Oh and I do tease DD sometimes…when I get her YouTube notifications…she does watch an awful lot of Tom Daley videos…

What a tangled web we weave

When first we practice to deceive...

So they say, and based on one experience I had online it seems to be true.

Way back in the olden days, before twitter, message boards were very popular. I think some still are.

I was a member of a popular board for parents. Both mums and dads chatted about kids, life, jobs, all sorts of things. Some of us flirted a bit, nothing serious, we were mostly all in relationships. Some of us made friends and exchanged Christmas cards, talked on the phone, chatted via email that sort of thing. And about 20 of us became really close. All women and one dad.

When a few of us were banned from the message board site (don't ask, that's a WHOLE other story) we started our own board.

The dad on the board was in his 30s. He had a young wife and a young daughter when he first joined. Later his wife got pregnant again and they had another girl. He was really nice, worked in the city doing shares or something, was good at financial advice. Often discussed schooling, wanted advice on his daughters, that sort of thing. His wife wasn't keen on him sharing things online, so he used a pseudonym ("Bis") , for himself and "fake" names for all his family, much like I do now, back then I shared my real name, and my families real names and location.

He was witty and clever, very chatty, often flirty, but never stepped over the line. He was nice, and fun. It was good to have a dad's perspective on things.

We were all friends on the new board, still talking about family life over a year later.

Then one of the ladies on the board broke up with her husband. It was very sad and a tough time for her, we all rallied round (digitally speaking) with advice and support.

Soon after that, Bis needed to travel on business and suggested he meet her as he would be in her state. She agreed, they met and had lunch.

But she was worried, she told us he appeared a lot younger than he had claimed, and he was a lot more flirty than he was online. But the meal passed without major incident and they said goodbye still friendly.

When he returned home after his trip he told us how he'd stumbled on a family crisis. His wife was having an affair and was planning to leave. He was devastated. She would be taking the children and he didn't know what to do. He hoped maybe he could stay with one of us, specifically the lady he'd met as they'd got on so well .....

None of us knew what to say, so many friends with breakups was upsetting, we were sad for everyone, but the lady he'd met told us privately that she was uneasy about meeting him again.

Bis continued to tell us about what was going on but things sounded like they were happening so fast, it was all starting to sound 'odd'.

Bis told us how much he'd always liked the lady he'd met and that now he wanted to ask her out, but he'd told some lies. We assumed maybe his wife didn't know about his online life, or maybe he'd invented her 'affair' to put himself in a good light, but the "affair" his wife had wasn't the lie...

He told us he needed to come clean. It seemed that a tangled web was so tangled by now that even Bis realised, despite keeping copious notes about what he'd said in the past, the ages of his girls, etc etc he couldn't continue.

It was ALL a lie. He was not 30. He was not married. There were no children. He didn't work in the city. There was no business trip. He didn't even have a girlfriend.

He was a teenager, living at home, he worked at a corner store. He had joined the message boards when his then girlfriend had aborted his baby when he had wanted to keep it and marry her, they had split up. He had wanted to pretend he was going to be a dad, he had been so upset he had invented his perfect family, and the lie had grown and grown.

He had grown to like people online. But he couldn't stop the lie. It was too big, it had a life of its own. He had tried to 'remove' his family only when he wanted to ask the woman out...

Everyone on the message board was shocked. They immediately banned him. The woman he met was freaked out and wouldn't speak to him ever again.

I kept on touch online for a while as did my friend Mimi (she's real, I've been to california and met her) but it was odd, not knowing what, if anything was real.

Sometimes I think of him and wonder what he's doing now. I hope he's ok. The story was strange and sad. But it makes me behave differently online now.

There is an old New Yorker cartoon where two dogs are using a PC, one is saying to the other "on the internet, no one knows you are a dog" it's true. None of us know who the others are.

Take care out there.

Have you been fooled online? How much do you lie? 

Pop over to my Facebook page and comment  there, or come for a chat on twitter. 

It's NOT big, and it's NOT clever,

When I was about 15 or 16 I smoked.
Only a bit, maybe one or two a week if I was lucky (should that be unlucky?) I was strictly ‘other peoples’ in what brand I smoked.
Once I was 18 and living outside of home I occasionally bought my own cigarettes. I still rarely smoked more than one or two a week, mostly I smoked when friends did on a Friday or a Saturday night. Peer pressure, yep, it was both big and clever. But it was also ‘cool’.

I usually smoked exotic and enticing brands like Black Russians, More Menthol or Multicoloured cocktail cigarettes with gold coloured filters ...it was all about the glamour. Packaging and presentation had a direct effect on whether I would buy a brand, I was beyond excited to discover a brand called DEATH that was sold in Brighton that came in a suave black coffin shaped box, too naïve, and too stupid to care about the irony it was quickly my favourite.
I never became addicted to cigarettes, I never smoked more than a couple a week and after the age of 24 rarely smoked at all. I haven’t smoked now in over 20 years.

 I wish smoking wasn’t cool. A smoking ban in public venues has done a lot to stop smokers, it is not so chic to huddle out in the rain to catch a quick puff. Lack of advertising has also helped to stop children and young adults starting the habit and of course you now need to be 18 to even begin. But I think another great preventative would be plain boring non-trendy packaging (think the classic TESCO VALUE campaign!) which is why I’d be happy to see all cigarettes sold in plain white cartons.
 I know all the arguments about cigarette taxes helping the country. I’ve heard things in favour of an outright ban (I’m not in favour mainly as it would only serve to make it cooler!) I think the best way to ensure that less people risk their health is to make smoking a real decision, based on proper information and not ‘oooh look – how cool is that packet!’ or ‘how handsome is that cowboy smoking!’

I am secret Agent G

How neurotic are you about safety and security?

      I have written before about my neurotic parenting with DD and how I try very hard not to be Nemo’s Dad. But today I was thinking about online security.
     You all know I live online. I have a real feeling that it’s my ‘home’ I love to tweet and to blog. I like email, instant messages, apps to check things via phone, websites, the lot. But I am also very wary, and I like to think, security conscious.
      I do not bank online (except Paypal) so I am not easily swayed by Bank Phishing emails. And I’m amused rather than taken in by the ‘You’ve won the lottery’ emails (except once I had – it was only £10 though) and most of the “Dear friend I need your help with £1000000 I have in a bank in Nigeria” go straight to my Spam folder so I’m rarely troubled by them. (Oh and I don't post pictures of my credit card online either! Seriously people!!)
      But I hope I’m not complacent, I’m wary of all emails, I’ve sent money to people online (as either gifts or payment)  and only once have I been let down (a small item I paid for was never sent).
      I use Ebay, Etsy and Amazon and like most of you (I suspect) I’m pretty neurotic about passwords and password strength. I use a different password for each site, I follow advice from Sophos and test password examples at PassFault (go and give it a go! Though I’d use a ‘similar to your password’, not your actual password – just in case!) I use Gmail’s ‘Two Step Authentication’ and I have a phone lock on my mobile.
      I also try and remain fairly anonymous online. Partly because a quick google search for my name reveals……just me. I’m fairly unique it seems, ditto DD. So I rarely use my name online, nor an exact location. I realise a keen stalker could probably find most of it but why make it easy.

      I don’t play ‘What’s Your Porn Star Name?’ and the like since I realises that most of the questions were aimed at finding your ‘often used questions for when you lose your password on a website’ eg First pet, name of your road, a school.
      I don’t post my birthday online – why tell everyone I’m 45 TODAY when that reveals my date of birth – same for DD – after all she will be online long after I am and why leave a data trail for her to worry about.

 So, am I neurotic or sensible? And do you protect yourself on line or assume that the risk is small and not care. Any other tips you think I should know?

The Totally Truthful Memetastic Award

It appears I have been tagged. By someone I thought was a friend, now I wonder.....

thanks Julie although maybe she's not entirely to blame, after all, she was tagged by  Jillsmo

with this silly meme

and here are the rules

1. You must proudly display the absolutely disgusting graphic that I have created for these purposes (put it in your post, you don’t have to put it in your sidebar, I think that would seriously be asking too much). It’s so bad that not only did I use COMIC SANS, but there’s even a little jumping, celebrating kitten down there at the bottom.It’s horrifying! But its presence in your award celebration is crucial to the memetastic process we’re creating here. If you need a higher resolution version… I totally have one!!
2. You must list 5 things about yourself, and 4 of them must be bold-faced lies. Just make some shit up, we’ll never know; one of them has to be true, though. Of course, nobody will ever know the difference, so we’re just on the honor system here. I trust you. Except for the 4 that you lied about, you lying bastards! But don’t go crazy trying to think of stuff.
3. You must pass this award on to 5 bloggers that you either like or don’t like or don’t really have much of an opinion about. I don’t care who you pick, and nobody needs to know why. I mean, you can give a reason if you want, but I don’t really care.”

so with out further ado, have a guess

1. I once came home from a 'vicars and tarts' party on the tube and was propositioned by someone who thought I was a prostitute.
2. I am really a man, but I blog and tweet as a woman because it's easier and more acceptable to make friends that way. The photos I post are my wife, and our daughter.
3. I'm allergic to carnations.
4. I was once caught having sex with my boyfriend in some woods, by an old man walking his dog.
5. I was a competitor on the Chris Moyles Show's phone in game 'Car Park Catchphrase' but I didn't win.

so now I can tag...and I tag

Mamacrow   cos I love her

Marley the dog! cos he is funnier than funny

Not Drowning Mothering the blog that makes me wee laughing

Very Bored in Catalunya because she is lovely

Christine at Thinly Spread just because

How secret is your Santa?

Do you have a Secret Santa (aka Brantub) at your place of work? and if so how does it work? I'm really interested to know! (this is a cheat post really because I need you to comment to make it work!)

Do you all draw names from a hat? Do you keep it a 'cut me throat' secret? or is it more of an 'open secret'? or even no secret at all! Do you tell at the point the person opens the gift? or maybe let them wonder and only let the info slip out over time using clues? Maybe you never ever tell.

I've played in many secret Santas and I'll be doing it again this year. Some times I pick the name of a person I really like and then it's hard to keep it a secret, i can't discuss with them what I plan to buy of course, but also it's hard to pretend on the day, if they love the gift i long to shout 'me me it was from me!!' but what if they hate it? or look confused? I want to explain why I chose it or apologise, or maybe hope they never guess it was from me!

But what when you get a name of someone you barely know? To be jokey? or just fall back on chocolates or bath salts!

When I get a gift I'm nervous, what if it's really 'personal' like underwear! Was it from a guy? or a girl that knows me? was it a secret admirer as well as a secret Santa? or the office perv? or my manager! or someone who just knows I'll sweat over who it was from!?

One year I received a mouse mat (I work in IT) with a moulded 'gentlemans parts' on the front that when pressed uttered groans of pleasure. The gift was very 'me'. Rude, funny, clever. But I never found out for sure who it was from, some suggested that it was a young guy that I rather liked at the time, but others that it wasn't. I guess I'll never know!

I once sent saucy underwear to a woman knowing she would think it was from the guy at work that she fancied (he DID NOT fancy her) and she moped about him for weeks after until I told HIM that it was from me, I'm lucky to have escaped with my life I reckon.

What are your best and worst gifts from secret Santa's, both given and received. And do you like Secret Santa? Do you always join in? or sit out with a humbug......

I'm a Twitterholic - don't judge me

When did you join twitter? (You can find the exact date at bwitterday.com)
I had an account for 6 months or so, which I deleted when hubby said I was addicted. He told me to create a new one when I was so grumpy without twitter! This account was started September 22, 2009

Why did you join twitter?
I didn't want to, it sounded awful and I loved facebook (which I have now deleted! oh fickle online person I am) but Stephen Fry seemed to rate it so I joined to see what it was like.

Who is/was your oldest follower? Who did you follow first? Tell me all about them. (firstfivefollowers.com will give you this info)

The First person I followed was Stephen Fry

My first 5 followers on the new account (so they must have missed me!) were: @saraheadworth @StoatsJackson @ti_bo @LivingWithCMT @JasonBradbury.

Stoats is a lovely cuddly funny guy well worth a follow :-) I have a crush on Jason Bradbury, Ti_bo is a cutie of the nefarious type, the CMT account is a hereditary condition I have too, we share symptoms :-) Sarah is a nice relatively normal person haha

Do you have any celebrities following you or have you ever had a DM from a celeb?

not DMs but lots of @replies (depending on your idea of celebrity I guess!) I've had tweets from Graham Lineham, Alexsander(The Meerkat) , Paul Daniels,  Stephen Fry, Chris Moyles, and I chat fairly regularly with  Jason Bradbury, Andy Stanton, Matt Kirshen I tend to star them, so check my favourites.

If you could follow anyone who is not on Twitter – alive or dead, real or fictional – on Twitter, who would it be?

would be good to follow a blog of someone really real but also who is secretive in real life or who no one knows much about, God would be great though! But I bet he'd tweet fast

Which came first Twitter or the Blog?

The blog. No readers, but the blog.