Sunday Lunch sex chat with the teen

This lunchtime we (DH and I ) decided to tell DD (aka 'the teen') that we had decided that after she starts sixth form college, for various reasons, we plan to give her the child benefit payments direct.

For those that wonder, that equates to about £20 a week and the reasons include ; having to buy her own clothes (as no school uniform), travel expenses, some extra freedom, learning to budget, experiencing the world of pay packets whilst not having to necessarily get a job (surely A levels are a full time job already?)

And that led onto my DH saying " so you won't have to sell your body" and while he meant it in jest it led nicely into a sex talk with the teen.

She told us that some girls had sex a lot, with all the boys, for no real reason. I calmly told her that her body was her body and I in no way wanted to police it, but in my experience she should be careful, that antibiotics were no longer the instant cure they once were and that boys and girls that had sex with anyone, without protection, were at risk. She agreed and said that most young people she knew didn't bother with protection. And that 'friends with benefits' was a common theme.

I feel scared for a generation that is so secure in medicine that infections and pregnancy are now seen as minor inconvenience and easily fixable, especially as this week is HIV testing week.

I told DD quite frankly that if all girls wanted was a satisfactory orgasm then a rampant rabbit was really all they needed. DH choked on his roast pork and stayed silent.

DD left the table, and DH and I continued to talk. I said that I had no regrets to waiting until I was 19 to have sex, that having a six month relationship before that happened was a good thing, that laughter and safety in a relationship were far far more important than 'just sex' great or not.

Copyright: elleemme / 123RF Stock Photo

So my list of things that are important in a relationship follow:

• Sex is great fun but it's way more fun with someone you are comfortable with, friends with.
• If a guy ejaculates before he's ready and you are friends you can laugh and hug and it's all ok. Friendship sex helps boys too.
• If you don't like something your partner is doing and you are friends you can tell them and they will listen and do what you like because they like you as well as fancy you.
• If you have no clue what you are doing you can talk about it it if you are friends and that's OK.
• Friends can have the best sex. Because they can talk, ask and refuse without fear.

I'm not dismissing sex for the fun of sex, but for teens  moving into the world of sex I think it's good to be able to feel safe, to be able to talk.

I'm not sure if I'm an embarrassing mum or a cool mum. To me I'm just a mum. But I remember being a teen with the loves and lusts and fears of a teen, I want DD to feel happy, and special and safe.

Yesterday I asked DD if she needed the 'sex talk' ....I misheard her answer and thought she said "I've already done it" I replied "Oh, bit late then, still, if there's anything you need to know - ask" she burst out laughing and said "This is why my friends think you are so cool, you don't fly off the handle with WHAT!! you just talk to me"

Talk to your teens. Love them. Be a parent. Be a friend too.

They're Changing Guard at Buckingham Palace...

They're changing guard at Buckingham Palace -
Christopher Robin went down with Alice.
Alice is marrying one of the guard.
"A soldier's life is terrible hard,"
                                                                    Says Alice.

We went to London on Saturday, as we live on the coast it's up for us, not down, and we are neither called Christopher, nor Alice..I'm not sure where this is going except I recited this poem to DD when we were at Buckingham Palace, I feel if when you see this

and don't recite that perfect poem by A.A. Milne you are wasting everyone's time.

We were not in London to visit the Queen though, nor a little mouse under her chair. We were there to meet up with the simply marvelous totally barking authors that I met up with back in January but this time DD was coming along too.

First I went to John Lewis with £200 worth of vouchers that I'd won online burning the proverbial hole in my pocket. After an hour of um-ing and ahhh-ing and with help from DD I settled on a lovely chiffon dress in black, with a butterfly motif (£105 !! *faints*) and a White Stuff reversible cotton skirt with a bird patterm (£45) I also stocked up on 'my smell' (as DD calls it) Clarins Dynamisante (£32)

Then it was a rush to the pub, to meet for Lunch. We were late of course. We met at the Mayflower, the pub was charming, and after a brief confusion where I was upstairs and alone with Dd and a bottle of wine while everone one else was downstairs, we settled down to chatting about all sorts of odd things, books, food, women, sex, cats, watches...sometimes several from that list at once.

The food was delicious. The waitress put up with our happy mildly tipsy behaviour. No one danced on the table, or got naked, though Andy and Tony downed shots of Tabasco sauce to impress us. We were suitably impressed...and a little bit worried!

All in all the meet up was lovely (well I enjoyed it - I do hope the others did!) DD has declared all authors (but especially Andy Stanton and Anthony McGowan) 'barking' ... after the Tabasco affair I fear she has a point.

Emily, Tony, TM, DD

Sally, Andy and Jane

Later we walked back from the tube via Green Park and Buckingham Palace.

What a super day!

I'm a Twitterholic - don't judge me

When did you join twitter? (You can find the exact date at bwitterday.com)
I had an account for 6 months or so, which I deleted when hubby said I was addicted. He told me to create a new one when I was so grumpy without twitter! This account was started September 22, 2009

Why did you join twitter?
I didn't want to, it sounded awful and I loved facebook (which I have now deleted! oh fickle online person I am) but Stephen Fry seemed to rate it so I joined to see what it was like.

Who is/was your oldest follower? Who did you follow first? Tell me all about them. (firstfivefollowers.com will give you this info)

The First person I followed was Stephen Fry

My first 5 followers on the new account (so they must have missed me!) were: @saraheadworth @StoatsJackson @ti_bo @LivingWithCMT @JasonBradbury.

Stoats is a lovely cuddly funny guy well worth a follow :-) I have a crush on Jason Bradbury, Ti_bo is a cutie of the nefarious type, the CMT account is a hereditary condition I have too, we share symptoms :-) Sarah is a nice relatively normal person haha

Do you have any celebrities following you or have you ever had a DM from a celeb?

not DMs but lots of @replies (depending on your idea of celebrity I guess!) I've had tweets from Graham Lineham, Alexsander(The Meerkat) , Paul Daniels,  Stephen Fry, Chris Moyles, and I chat fairly regularly with  Jason Bradbury, Andy Stanton, Matt Kirshen I tend to star them, so check my favourites.

If you could follow anyone who is not on Twitter – alive or dead, real or fictional – on Twitter, who would it be?

would be good to follow a blog of someone really real but also who is secretive in real life or who no one knows much about, God would be great though! But I bet he'd tweet fast

Which came first Twitter or the Blog?

The blog. No readers, but the blog.

Quick Sweary Post

A brief chat among mummies on twitter this morning made me remember how I talked about swearing for the first time with darling daughter (DD)

We were in the car, she was about 5 and had just started school and mixing with other children away form any parental guidance.

She suddenly said " I know some swear words"

"oh," says I, remaining calm "do you want to talk about them?"

"yes. One is SHIT and one is COCK"

so narrowly avoiding driving into oncoming traffic, and while controlling urge to giggle, I say

"oh! do you know what they mean?"

DD "no, Fiona told me them"

Me "well Shit is another word for poo, and cock is another work for a willy"

DD (disappointed) "well they are not very rude!"

Me (laughing) "well it depends, some people don't like them, even though they are just words, and no words are 'bad'; and because some people get sad when they hear them, we try not to use them, most people use them when they are very angry"

DD, "so if I stepped in dog poo I could say 'Oh no! I stepped in shit!'"

Me (really laughing now) "perfect use of the word shit!"

DD "OK"

we have never had to have such an elaborate conversation about swearing again, although I have had to explain what shag and fuck mean........she rarely uses them......except when very angry - for a 10 year old she's actually pretty good at using swear words sparingly and effectively! LOL

Lies to tell small people ... or, What is true?

I've always had an honesty policy with my daughter. I won't lie to her.

I hear you all saying "but what of Father Christmas? What of the Tooth Fairy? how do you explain them?" and the answer is that I explain them in the same way I explain other beliefs. When DD asked me is the tooth fairy real? I responded by asking her what she thought. She said "I hope she is real, I want her to be real, I don't want her to be YOU!" so I said, well lets hope she is then, there is money under your pillow so maybe she is. Is this lying? (does she KNOW!) maybe, but it works for us. Ditto Father Christmas.

"someone at school said that Father Christmas is your parents"

"did they"

"yes, they said your parents buy all that stuff in your stocking"

"do you think I buy all that stuff? as well as all the gifts you get round the tree?"

"well......I don't know"

"do you think he's real?"

"do you?" (wowser now she's chucking it right back at me! I've taught her well)

"I've always believed in father Christmas, he brought me toys when I was small, I think that once you don't believe then maybe he stops and sometimes parents then carry on doing it"

"Yes, I think he's real, not the ones in shops though, they aren't real, they are just people dressed up"

So with all this honesty hanging about, talking the 'sex' talk was a breeze, (helped along by Babette Cole and her funny and informative book 'Mummy Laid and Egg') but what about the other great taboo in our western culture........

DEATH

Now, I know a mum that lied about death so much with her kids as they grew up that I can only assume they will never trust her again, not only (like Phoebe's mum in friends) did she fast forward videos to avoid deaths (such as Bambi's mum's) but when a much loved and very old dog died she told them it was at the hospital, this was 7 years ago, they still ask after the dog "the nurse says she's still too sick to come home" really? after 7 years? (actually because I'm honest I had told my DD that the dog died so she wouldn't ask after the dog, her friend said the dog was at the hospital and my DD piped up "No she's not, she's dead, my mum told me!" so really they are trying to catch the mum out in her big lie but I digress)

So, death, DD has always known that things die. On a purely practical level I told her, things wear out, bodies wear out too, everything dies one day, this is to make room for all the new babies, if no one died, no one could be born, the world would be still, and boring, nothing would change.

We have had pets die, there were tears, and burials. And moving on.

All good. But what happens next........where do we go when we die? Back to the old 'throw the question back' time! Where do you think we go? what do you believe? I've told DD my Christian beliefs. But pointed out that no one 'knows' as no one has ever come back to tell us. So there are lots of things people think; some people think when we die, that's it, just nothing; some people think we come back as someone or something else to live again; some believe in other worlds or places we go to like heaven; or that we stay here but invisible, like ghosts; but they are all just beliefs, no one knows for sure.

DD is happy to believe, and she also thinks maybe (as Terry Pratchett's Death has hinted) we all get what we believe we'll get when we die. (which is not always what we deserve, but there you go) That said, DD and I plan to party in heaven, where there will be pets by the way....this is confirmed by my dad who is a Rev. so he should know! Everyone will; be happy in heaven, if you are not happy without your pet, your pet will be there! so there you go (I'm guessing there may be pet free zones for those that dislike them :-))

When DD tells me that I mustn't die, I never say "I won't" (how silly to promise that!) I always use, "I don't plan on doing it anytime soon", when I or anyone else is sick and she asks if they will die, I rarely say 'no', but usually go with "I doubt it, it's only a cold" or "I hope not, but they are very ill, we must hope the Drs can help them get well". So for me telling the truth is much easier than telling little lies. And so far none have come back to bite me.......

Rainbow Bridge - a Poem about pet loss and where pets go

Christina Rossetti writes the best poetry (in my opinion) about Death

REQUIEM
When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me:
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree:
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet;
And if thou wilt, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget. I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the rain;
I shall not hear the nightingale
Sing on, as if in pain;
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
And haply may forget.
From Goblin Market and other poems (1862)

REMEMBER

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
December 29, 1894