Why does the ‘Rob’ scenario in the Archers bother so many people and why is it so upsetting?

Information on the Rob character in the Archers for those that are not regular listeners, can be found here.

I, like many people, have never been personally involved with domestic abuse, not coercion, not control, not violence; but like many I am aware of it.

I would expect people that have experienced it to find the storyline uncomfortable at best but at worst to cause stress and flashbacks and real fear. But why does it also cause other people, people with no experience of abuse to feel similarly?

I think the reason that the Rob story line in the archers affects people who have no experience of abuse is because it turns us into voyeurs, allowing us to stand idly by while Rob lies, cheats, controls and demeans, it makes us feel complicit with his abuse as we are forced to listen but unable to do anything to help.

Perhaps this is the writers intention, to allow us to feel as powerless as one of Rob’s victims, to feel that impotence to be able to act, the same thing that surely the other characters feel when confronted with his clever words that are always ‘not quite obvious abuse’, ‘not quite worth calling out’.

Like most people I hope that Rob gets what’s surely his due very soon. But part of me feels that maybe, as so often in real life, he won’t, that his smarmy control of business rivals and his frightening control of Helen and her child will just continue for ever.

On a practical fictional note Helen has lost a previous partner to a death (also a brother) so I imagine that Rob will not meet a sticky end, as surely that would finish Helen too. I wonder if perhaps finally he will be called out, discovered and like the feeble bully he is he will run away, to remain a shadow character, lurking in the dark of the stage wings, always threatening return, maybe having already become Henry’s legal father.

What ever happens I hope some thing does and soon, as from reading tweets it looks as if people are no longer just annoyed at Rob’ original ‘panto villain’ status but are now uneasy, afraid and creeped out by his increasingly dubious behaviour. Some victims of domestic abuse have said they have had to stop listening as the familiar phrases and controlling nature of his character are just too upsetting. In the sleepy world of Ambridge will his cheating at cricket be the final straw?

I’ve love to hear what you think, please join the conversation in the comments below. Do you like having a an evil character in the Archers? Is Rob really scary or just a silly character? Do people that take the Archers this seriously need to get a life? Is the actor’s portrayal of Rob’s gradual descent into an abusive partner a thing of genius or a step too far on a sleepy radio show for a Sunday afternoon.

If you or anyone you know are affected by domestic violence you can seek help here

I have more American readers than British ones

I like to check my stats for the blog, I use Google's basic blogger stats page, the Webmaster page and even StatCounter (I sound obsessed, I'm not they all offer slightly different things)

I love to look at the search terms that found the blog, lots are hilarious! And I like to see if people stay to read more than one page, and do they use the tabs I've created to sort the blog a bit. Do my visitors pop off to look at my camping blog? But I also like to see where my readers are from. A lot of hits are bots of course and so much spam! So I can often discount certain 'guilty' countries if they have high hit numbers. But I can't help noticing I have more American Readers than British ones.

I wonder why. I am clearly (so I assume) a British blogger. I use the moniker 'mummy' rather than 'mommy' in my blog title and my online user name. I blog recipes of Eton Mess. I talk about Jubilees and London Olympics.

I do discuss teen parenting or course - a fairly universal concept I'd imagine, at least in the Western world. And I've been known to throw out advice on potty use (both adults, at festivals, and children). I've ranted about breastfeeding and about birth plans.

But my political rants are mostly English based, and they are rare. And my walks and 'what I've been up to' posts are very English.

Maybe that's the answer, maybe the Americans like a slice of slightly angry British life? Or maybe all my British readers are nervous of being tracked and are using American Proxy servers!

Let me know! Are you American? Do you read my blog often? Why? and I'd love to know how you found me. :-)

Why! Why? Why have I been tagged!!?

Memes, I've talked about them before, how they shout "Me! Me!" at me, demanding to be completed. I don't dislike them, not really, they give me a kick to get blogging and they make me feel ... accepted I suppose is the word. But (there is always a but) WHY do they always appear when I have no time to blog or when I have 3 or 4 blog posts already in my head (and no time for those either!?)

So no surprise that when the rather sexy Mummy Central tagged me in a meme it should catch me in the middle of both of the above situations. Luckily the Meme is about whining, specifically about whining 'WHY?' (or more accurately WWWW-HHH-YYYYY?) So I am all prepared. are you?

Why do blogging ideas strike when I have no time to blog them?

Why does alcohol taste SO good?

Why are dogs not allowed in supermarkets? (no really, why? and don't say 'health reasons', or 'safety' as the health and safety executive debunked all that and it's bollocks - oops ranting happened)

Why can't I blog without ranting? Why is my default setting 'rage'?

Why are babies feet so flipping adorable and why can't I nibble babies feet in public without being arrested, it seems so unfair.

Why are there not more beards?

Why are you allowed to put animals to sleep to spare their pain but you are not allowed to do it for people, when PEOPLE ARE MORE IMPORTANT! (that one is from DD aged 12)

Why does it rain on bank holidays?

Why are beds more comfy at 6am than they were at 11pm?

Why are young people under such pressure to look perfect and conform to an ideal?

Why is plastic surgery so popular? But individuality isn't?

Why does spellcheck on Blogger highlight, Blog, Blogging and Blogger??

Why can't people stop fighting?

Seriously, just WHY?

So, the Why meme; the rules are as follows:

1. Post your whys – as few or as many as you like

2. Link up your post at Mummy Central, and leave a comment here too

3. Tag 5 bloggers to keep this going

4. If you’re not a blogger, leave your whys as a comment below. Id love to read them

5. Show your support by reading a few others and commenting on them

I'm tagging  

ChickenRuby who is my grumpy soulmate

Marley Terrier who surely has many whys that need answering 

The Sexy MotherScuffer who's whys will no doubt shock me

Pants with names because ... because well giggles! and that! 

and last (cost that's what you save the best for )  Mamacrow who must, on a daily basis, answer a lot more Whys than I do!

Didn't I tag you? Ask yourself why? (I probably have a crush on you and was embarrassed to say) if you want to join in, head over and add yourself anyway! Why? Why not!

Last night I got out of bed and padded into the tiny room we call the library...

I went into the box room (grandly titled 'The Library' due to it's being floor to ceiling shelved and filled with books) because one of my author friends(?) heroes(?) crushes (?) all of those(?) @AndyStantonTM had asked a question about grammar in the George Orwell novel Nineteen Eighty-Four, and I knew I had a copy and could check.

I checked and then of course I lay in bed and read a little, and found myself thinking of the recent riots (which I have trouble sorting in my mind, are people rioting for *more* state involvement in their lives?) when I read this...

Ignorance is Strength

Throughout recorded time, and probably since the end of the Neolithic Age, there have been three kinds of people in the world, the High, the Middle, and the Low. They have been subdivided in many ways, they have borne countless different names, and their relative numbers, as well as their attitude towards one another, have varied from age to age: but the essential structure of society has never altered. Even after enormous upheavals and seemingly irrevocable changes, the same pattern has always reasserted itself, just as a gyroscope will always return to equilibrium, however far it is pushed one way or the other --
.

'Julia, are you awake?' said Winston.

'Yes, my love, I'm listening. Go on. It's marvellous.'

He continued reading:



. The aims of these three groups are entirely irreconcilable. The aim of the High is to remain where they are. The aim of the Middle is to change places with the High. The aim of the Low, when they have an aim -- for it is an abiding characteristic of the Low that they are too much crushed by drudgery to be more than intermittently conscious of anything outside their daily lives -- is to abolish all distinctions and create a society in which all men shall be equal. Thus throughout history a struggle which is the same in its main outlines recurs over and over again. For long periods the High seem to be securely in power, but sooner or later there always comes a moment when they lose either their belief in themselves or their capacity to govern efficiently, or both. They are then overthrown by the Middle, who enlist the Low on their side by pretending to them that they are fighting for liberty and justice. As soon as they have reached their objective, the Middle thrust the Low back into their old position of servitude, and themselves become the High. Presently a new Middle group splits off from one of the other groups, or from both of them, and the struggle begins over again. Of the three groups, only the Low are never even temporarily successful in achieving their aims. It would be an exaggeration to say that throughout history there has been no progress of a material kind. Even today, in a period of decline, the average human being is physically better off than he was a few centuries ago. But no advance in wealth, no softening of manners, no reform or revolution has ever brought human equality a millimetre nearer. From the point of view of the Low, no historic change has ever meant much more than a change in the name of their masters.


I went to bed sad, I'm still sad. Sorry folks, what sort of crappy blog post is this! I'd ask for your money back if I were you.

If you want to read more, the entire novel is online here for free

Perils of the older child and Sleep Overs

I wrote some time ago now about being Nemo's Dad and the protective neurotic you become when you have a child. How it's a fine line between protection and stifling a child, and how hard it can be to find a balance.

Now my DD is 11 years old. She walks to school alone, she goes to call for friends alone, she goes to the shops alone. She also still does a lot of things with us as a family. She has yet to catch a bus or a train alone for example.

When I was 11 I did all these things too. And also, now she is older, she has friends where we don't know the parents. Not don't know them very well, but don't know them at all, have never seen them, don't even know their names.

So last night a long phone call from a friend resulted in 'Mum can I go for a sleep over at Ophelia's house?' (names changed to protect the innocent) and I stopped and thought.........

well why not, she goes out a lot by herself, she plays with this girl at school....

but....

I don't know the family, at all. I have never met the mum, I have never seen the house, I don't even know where it is! DH has seen the house once when he gave Ophelia a lift home from a tea at our house once (her mum obviously trusts US!) but that's it. 

I guess I just need to ring the mum and confirm the arrangements and try and assess from a phone call that all will be OK.

I asked on Twitter what people thought. And in response to a Question - Would you allow your 11yo daughter to go for a sleepover with parents you didn't know? and if not how would you go about 'vetting' those parents? I got many and varied answers! ranging from

Never! I would have to know the parents well

No, I would meet them over coffee first

I would ring them and chat on the phone.

I would facebook them (I don't have facebook and besides that I don't know the mum's name!)

to

Yeah, there comes an age when you can't know all the parents

Yeah if she's happy to go

Yes it will be fine, just check the mum knows.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I'm none the wiser, I guess that DD will go, I guess there will be a phone call, I guess all will be fine. What would you do?

I'm a Twitterholic - don't judge me

When did you join twitter? (You can find the exact date at bwitterday.com)
I had an account for 6 months or so, which I deleted when hubby said I was addicted. He told me to create a new one when I was so grumpy without twitter! This account was started September 22, 2009

Why did you join twitter?
I didn't want to, it sounded awful and I loved facebook (which I have now deleted! oh fickle online person I am) but Stephen Fry seemed to rate it so I joined to see what it was like.

Who is/was your oldest follower? Who did you follow first? Tell me all about them. (firstfivefollowers.com will give you this info)

The First person I followed was Stephen Fry

My first 5 followers on the new account (so they must have missed me!) were: @saraheadworth @StoatsJackson @ti_bo @LivingWithCMT @JasonBradbury.

Stoats is a lovely cuddly funny guy well worth a follow :-) I have a crush on Jason Bradbury, Ti_bo is a cutie of the nefarious type, the CMT account is a hereditary condition I have too, we share symptoms :-) Sarah is a nice relatively normal person haha

Do you have any celebrities following you or have you ever had a DM from a celeb?

not DMs but lots of @replies (depending on your idea of celebrity I guess!) I've had tweets from Graham Lineham, Alexsander(The Meerkat) , Paul Daniels,  Stephen Fry, Chris Moyles, and I chat fairly regularly with  Jason Bradbury, Andy Stanton, Matt Kirshen I tend to star them, so check my favourites.

If you could follow anyone who is not on Twitter – alive or dead, real or fictional – on Twitter, who would it be?

would be good to follow a blog of someone really real but also who is secretive in real life or who no one knows much about, God would be great though! But I bet he'd tweet fast

Which came first Twitter or the Blog?

The blog. No readers, but the blog.

Animals, friend or foe

I have read some strange stories in the news lately, and maybe it’s just a coincidence that so many wild animals seem to be killing people lately, or maybe (worse) wild animals kill people all the time but we only hear about them some of the time! But whatever there have been some strange tales in the news lately, so for anyone that missed them I’m sharing them here.

First I spotted the headline ‘Crocodile on Plane kills 19’ and I refused to read the story because I felt that the story would only disappoint after such an amazing headline but how wrong I was, for it transpired that a crocodile had been smuggled onto a plane – forgive me while I imagine ways you can smuggle a crocodile, in your luggage? Disguised AS luggage? Down a leg of your trousers? (risky but can be done with ferrets so who knows) Under a jumper “my oh my that guy is fat and has scaly belly skin’? the mind boggles – but however it happened it appears that the poor crocodile was not securely smuggled (always secure your smuggled crocodiles folks!) and it escaped on the plane, running about and generally terrifying the passengers who dashed away from the ravening beast, unbalancing the plane and causing it to crash! And the worst bit was that the poor crocodile was one of only 2 survivors of the crash! but was killed by rescuers at the scene! Now THAT is a news story.

(as an aside – maybe he smuggled the croc into the plane in a bag of toy crocodiles in much the same way this lady smuggled a tiger cub……)

But jeepers creepers if it doesn’t get worse!

Imagine, you go on a safari holiday, you watch animals during the day and camp in cabins at night, eating round the fire, enjoying the sounds of the wild. Protected in your compound you pop out (with your wife) for a late night outdoor shower under the stars, does life get better? Well it can certainly get worse! Just when you thought soap in your eyes was the worst that could happen, 5 lions attack you! Yes not 1, not 2 not even 3 but 5 lions attack you IN THE SHOWER! This is the stuff of nightmares, and in the case of Pete Evershed  the cause of death too.

And of course last week a young boogie boarder was killed by a shark in the waters off of California, a young man that had joked about 'what if we get attacked by a shark'.

 Nature is fighting back people! By careful out there!

(How morbid would you need to be to keep a Top 10 animal attacks list  though, yeah I'm looking you Time Magazine)

How old is too old? (or 'sniff it and see')

Every now and again on social media someone says they have chucked away a yoghurt 3 days past the 'use by' date, or asks if bread 2 days past the sell by date is OK to eat or........well you get the idea. They want to know if they can safely consume an item of food that seems to be saying  

NO! DON'T EAT ME, YESTERDAY I WAS FINE 

BUT TODAY I AM FILLED WITH POISONOUS BACTERIA 

THAT WILL KILL YOU IN AN INSTANT 

WITH PAIN YOU CAN ONLY IMAGINE 

or something like that anyway.

I am old enough to know that expiry dates are a fairly new invention. Yes young people you read that right, we have not always been told when food is 'past it's best'. For hundreds, indeed thousands of years we used our own judgement! We looked at things, smelled them, touched them and decided 'is it still good'? (* when I say 'we' I do not, obviously, mean me! I mean the human race, I'm not thousands of years old, or hundreds come to that!)

And in some cases we still do. While supermarkets may wrap your vegetables in a plastic bag with a sticker proclaiming 'use by 9 Feb 2010' your local green grocer is unlikely to do the same, my local green grocer sells cucumbers, they are long and firm and green and that's it! I have to fondle the cucumber and decide how fresh it is! Is it soft? getting limp? then I'll ask if it's discounted or buy a firmer one! (are you all right? some of you appear a little flushed?)

Likewise my butcher does not put 'use by' dates on his pork products, i have to admire his loins and decide if they are fresh, are they greenish in hue? Do they smell? If not, I'm happy, a pink fresh loin is most women's dream, as are his sausages and his faggots! but I digress.

Until 1973 no stores in the UK used best before dates at all! And it was Marks and Spencer that began the trend purely as a marketing technique, to show how 'fresh' their food was! Of course all other food sellers leapt on to the bandwagon to be sure and keep up with the new trend.

It's true that some foods nowadays are hard to see. How can I tell if a tin of beans is 'fresh' or if a carton of orange juice is? and the simple answer is of course that I can't, like the rest of society I rely to some degree on labelling of the packets, but wouldn't it be easier to tell me when it was packed rather than a use by date? When I bake a cake I estimate how long it will last (bad example - 10 minutes in my house) by the date it was baked and then I use judgement.

When I open a loaf of bread and it had a patch of mould on it, I tear off the blue bit and toast the bread! I only throw away the whole loaf if it's more mould than loaf or if the flavour is totally tainted. Marmite can disguise a multitude of tastes.

And yoghurt is gone off milk! As is cheese, it can't go off! Sniff it! how does it smell? I've often eaten yoghurts 2 weeks past their 'use by' dates with no ill effects at all. And cheese can usually just have the mould cut off - after all cheddar is often already 24 months old by the time you buy it! So why would another month make any difference?

But I'm not alone, I am aware that many of you eat food that you have judged to be OK. Just remember it's a skill, learn it, pass it on, don't be afraid, trust your instincts.  My good friend Donna on Twitter sent me this handy link to get you started.

And don't come crying back here if you get sick.


Remember that this advice is just from a boring old person, not anyone clever and don't take risks with the elderly, the very young or the infirm. (No testing mouldy yoghurt out on your granny!)

PS   A website called Love Food Hate Waste perpetuates the myth by saying NEVER eat food past the use by date, which is just silly IMO. They even tell you 'if it looks fine, still throw it away!  I still say that for cheese and many other products this is ridiculous.


If you would like to buy some out of date food to practice on - look here for some cheap deals. Yes indeedy, an online retailer that specialises in old food!

Things the darling child says

obviously all children are amazing.

Just being able to learn a whole new language from NOTHING in a couple of years can convince me of that! but while busy learning a language they are learning so much more! Imagine if we continued to learn at the rate of a child! Go on just stop and think for a second, good lord! the world would be filled with amazing brains, it would be incredible....

so with that in mind it should come as no surprise to me that my own 10 year old is as bright as a button and while lacking the experience of an adult, and having a rather 'black and white' view of the world (not always a bad thing!) she can occasionally still stun me with utterances of brilliance, although to be fair they are also often questions...

example one

The other day i was talking about babies, she is baby obsessed!, and we were talking about all the things that babies need etc etc I asked her (just on a whim as it's a hot Twitter topic)
"What age do you think a baby should be breastfed until?"

Her reply? "Until it wants to stop?"

Of course! how simple! how have so many learned adults missed this!! not 4 months, 6 months, 1 year, until he has teeth, until he can, walk, talk etc etc but UNTIL HE WANTS TO STOP!

Excellent 10/10 go to the top of the class!

example two

this morning we noticed that one of the stick insects is extremely ill/old and near death. I suggested it may be a kindness to 'put it out of it's misery' (we've done this before - she always does it while sobbing uncontrollably! I'd always worried she would be scarred for life) but today she looked at the stick insect and decided it was not yet time.

Then she turned to me and said "When I am old and nearly dead i want the Drs to put me down like an old dog so I don't suffer" I explained that, oddly, that isn't allowed. She was shocked!

"But they do it with dogs! People are more important than dogs!" I explained that some people think that killing people for any reason is wrong. I told her about the clinic in Switzerland...

"well then I 'll go there" she said "they seem sensible"

My daughter said something funny today

To be fair she says something funny most days, actually most days she says A LOT of funny things. I realise my child is not alone in this - it seems that all small people have the capacity to utter statements or questions that initially make us freeze and then collapse in hysterical giggles, sometimes the giggles start later - or when we tell a friend...

so this morning started well, she asked "why isn't every thing free?" and "Why do we need money?" this was sparked from the fact I had to go to work, and she had to go to school and we both agreed a day off would be nicer but not possible.

but the giggle factor came later. We listened to Radio 1 at breakfast despite the fact we had to hear Scott Mills (who I find irritating) rather than the lovely Chris Moyles (who is lovely but on holiday) and they played My Chemical Romance singing 'Teenagers', she listened for a minute and then said

"Is that the Tweenies?"