What do women REALLY want for Valentines day - a tongue in cheek post

Copyright: pretoperola / 123RF Stock Photo

Valentine's Day is fast approaching like a looming red fog on the horizon. Terrifying the average man who is soon to discover he cannot win on this of all days.

On Valentine's Day, a man in a relationship with a lady has several choices.
He can ignore the entire thing, dismiss it as comercialised and claim he doesn't need a day to tell her he loves her. She will assume he is an uncaring heel or that he forgot and this is a feeble way of weaseling out of the whole thing.
He can buy a card, something cute or funny and that's that. She will think he is cheap, assume he grabbed it without thinking in the supermarket or petrol station and she will tell all her friends how uncaring he is.
He can buy an elaborate gift such as a huge bunch of red roses or a massive box of chocolates, and she will tell him what a waste of money flowers are, especially on Valentine's day, she will also exclaim she is dieting and the chocolates are cruel. She will tell her friends he is predictable and boring.

So what do women actually want? Well I asked a few women that were in relationships what their perfect Valentine's Day gift would be. Instantly and top of the list was time by themselves! I can understand the desire to escape the busy everyday life but I was hoping for something a teensy bit more romantic (chaps, save this information for a birthday gift!). Next most popular was sleep, yes I know, still not terribly romantic, though combined with a man that takes charge of the kids when they wake, gives them breakfast, settles them in front of a 3 hour movie and then takes his snoozing wife breakfast in bed might count...

But the suggestions that seemed most useful were:

• Unmarried ladies in relationships (such as Emma) seem to hope for diamonds, if you like it, she correctly assumes, you should have put a ring on it.
• Another popular choice is a spa day, for true romance I guess you'd have to go too, his and hers towels by the pool, joint massages and a cosy canoodle in the hot tub. Several ladies liked that idea.
• Chocolates were not totally out of favour, but they needed to be quality over quantity, the day of the large padded heart shape box are over it seems.
• Many ladies feel that having everything done for them is the way to go, baby sitter sorted, table booked and then whisked off in a taxi so you can both have a tipple at a restaurant where the night is spent eating and gazing into each others eyes....just as you did before your life was full of toddlers and snot.
• Another lovely idea was being told to treat yourself to a new pair of shoes or a new handbag, so many ladies would like this so much more than flowers or chocolates! Even a new dress, why not pluck up the courage to go shopping with her, telling her how sexy she looks in the things she chooses (not looking  at your watch and telling her you are missing the rugby)
• On the 'time alone together' theme, it wasn't only restaurants and spas that were mentioned, afternoon tea, or even a wander around a town or a walk in the country were suggested. Even a whole night in a hotel - oh to have the freedom for loud sex without the kids hearing.....
• The idea of a surprise was high on the list too - unusual gifts but ones that might be appreciated, cheese, a new purse, earrings, perfume....but not 'sexy underwear' (the crime of buying what you, the chap, deem sexy, but what is, in reality, cheap, tacky and uncomfortable and really for you anyway...just no) Going with her to buy some Agent Provocateur does not come into the 'no' category obviously...
• And one odd request was mooted. "I'd really like if he hired a backing group and made up a barbershop style song about me and then performed it on the doorstep. The kind of thing that takes a bit of effort!" ... I'll just leave that there....no one said us women were low maintenance...

Copyright: ventura69 / 123RF Stock Photo

The top result, in all it's varieties, (if we exclude time alone!) was time with you, the man in her life. For you to organise it all so she can be swept off her feet, away from her normal life to an afternoon, evening, or weekend of romantic together time....chaps...you heard it here first..now go get her.Your time, it's what she wants and it's almost (assuming no baby sitting fees) free. No excuse, have fun together. 

Huge thanks to the following bloggers for their candid input. Why not check out their blogs on Valentine's Day to see if all their dreams come true.

Geraldine at Jog On Mum

Nat at Handful of Halfpennies

Angela at Days in Bed

Emily at Emily and Indiana

Mum of Five Staying Sane

Emma at The Mini Mes and Me

Mary at Over 40 and Mum to One
Emma at The Cheshire Wife
Mother Under Measure
Amy at The Smallest of Things
Chantelle at Mama Mummy Mum
Zoe at A Beautiful Abode
Vanessa at A Happy Healthy Mummy
Carly at Mummy and the Chunks

Gift Guide for men! (and ladies that like things men like..so for everyone really)

It was brought to my attention that a previous gift guide for handmade items was a little heavy on girly things. Jewelly and flowery fripperies and the like. So I promised a less girly list, for the less girly (such as me) and for the truly blokey.

So here are some gifts ideas.

How about the stunning and unusual Jord Wooden watch? I can vouch for their beauty (and their ability  to keep time - important in a watch!) and I often get comments on the interesting concept of a wooden time piece. Available in a variety of woods and styles, with the straps sized for your arm prior to shipping. I blogged about them here.

And one of my favourite websites, Flamingo gifts. I personally adore the quirky items they stock and think that these would make perfect gifts for men anyone.

Movie Night Beer Glass

Ninja Mug

Squirrel Keyring and key holder

I'll be honest - I'm in love with the squirrel! Absolute genius and functional too.

Or how about something from Not On The High Street, a company I've used before that always surprises me with ingenious and unusual things. I rather like these for example...

Marshmallow Toasting Kit

Smartphone projector and speaker set

But don't ignore some other sites that look like they are designed for kids, I'm thinking especially of Wicked Uncle who have some wicked gifts for the young at heart, things like...

Zombie Playing cards (with survival tips)

Hulk Smash Nightlight (what's not to love)

And the Great Gift Company has some great things too, from small stocking fillers to big main gifts like ...

Portable Turntable for your retro vinyl

or the rather fun

Twister Picnic Blanket

and if all else fails and you resort to socks, don't make them boring socks! Check out the Sock Shop for such gems as super hero socks (complete with capes!) or even X-ray socks.

Sockshop for wild (and ordinary if you insist) socks

Wife's work

This recent spell of UK hot weather reminded me of something that happened over 2 decades ago.

When I was 21 I started dating a guy 19 years older than me. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, but weeks turned to months, and then years, and years, and we were still together. My family had got over the shock and I was living in sin with my new man (who they referred to as their Sin-in-Law). He knew I wanted to get married, but I knew that he didn't, and part of that reason was that he felt our age gap was too great. "It's OK now" he'd say, "you are 26 and I'm 45, it doesn't seem so bad, but what about when you are 40, or 50?" I would reassure him, "it will be fine, why wouldn't it?" but convinced I was too young to really know, he didn't listen.

Sometimes we'd joke about it, he'd ask me to do some tedious household chore, or help with his tax returns and I would say "oh no, that's a wife's job, I'm just a mistress, I get to sit in the sun and drink champagne!"

Then one hot evening, after I finished work I was sitting in the hot garden, with my hot feet in a bucket of cold water. I was grumpy, and hot (did I mention it was hot?) and he wandered into the garden with an old jumper of his, "would you darn the elbow of this?" he asked. I looked up, grumpy, hot and annoyed. "No" I snapped "I wouldn't, that's a wife's job, I've told you, mistresses don't do sewing". He stood looking at me, how sexy I must have looked, sweaty, feet in a bucket.

"well then" he said "will you marry me? then you'll be my wife, and you can darn the jumper"

A long pause. Seriously? He looked shifty "yes seriously, I've been thinking about it, I think we should get married, I'd like to marry you"

What a romantic proposal. Well it cured my grump. I laughed and said yes. And the rest (as they say) is history. Twenty three years later, I'm still doing the repairs...I even have a sewing box, because you know, that's wife's work.

This post is a personal one. It's just a tiny piece of my history and I'm posting it for me, for my memories and for DD. If you read and enjoy it too, that's a bonus.

Top 10 things women find attractive in men

1. Beards – woman love manly bearded men, so masculine, proper man of the wild, able to protect and support a family, all that displayed in a face. Lovely. Also added benefit of tickles.
2. Smooth shaven men – women love a man with a shaved, smooth face. Demonstrating a commitment to regular grooming, clean and smart. A man that can think and make decisions, while in touch with his emotions. Added benefits, no stubble rash when kissing.
3. Muscular men – a man that has power, rippling muscles beneath the skin, at ease with himself because he can feel his own strength. A man to hold you in manly arms…Added benefit of winning cuddly toys at the test your strength machines at the fair.
4. Thin men – ah the joy of the geek, he is pale and looks like maybe he doesn’t get out much but he has a glint in his eye, a bright intelligence, a quick wit, honed form years reading or studying, or just being alone thinking. Added benefit of being able to talk about things, may cry at sad films..actually lots of men do that – don’t say I told you
5. Chubby men – something to snuggle into. A warm and cuddly bulk of a man, someone not afraid to order a starter and a dessert so you can do the same! No one likes to feel bad about what they eat. Give this man some cake. Added benefit of cake.
6. Tall men – someone to make you feel all feminine and girly, a man to tower over you, to reach high shelves, to lift you onto his shoulders at festivals. A useful man, see him tall in a crowd, looking over the heads of everyone, reporting back to tell you what’s going on. Added benefit of saving on step ladders.
7. Short men – no one likes neck ache, how fine to have a man your own height, or maybe even slightly shorter, rock those heels and make him feel like a millionaire with a hot babe on his arm. Mother him, or pretend he’s an Italian gangster (unless he is an Italian gangster, then just revel in being his ‘moll’) Added benefit of eye contact and romantic gazes.
8. Hairy men – manly to a fault, gorilla like chest hair, prefect to snuzzle on a cold evening, or to run your fingers through on a sunny day at the beach. Added benefit of warmth.
9. Smooth bodied men – naturally smooth or shaven, showing off the shape on the body beneath, no hair to get stuck in your teeth. A nice smooth skin under a white shirt, perfect to tan or to keep pale. Added benefit of lickability.
10. Being a man – women that find men attractive often find men attractive, due to them being men. Sometimes you can’t say what it is that made you look twice, or made you realise he was the one, sometimes you can’t say if it was his eye colour, his funny taste in shirts or his loud laugh. Maybe it was the way he held a tea cup or the way he flexed a bicep. Sometimes a man is just attractive and women don’t know why.

I think by now you ‘ve got the point…men (and people in general) are all different and amazingly we all like different things too, one person loves a joker, always laughing, pulling pranks; another likes a serious type, someone to be thoughtful in difficult circumstances. Where one person loves a redhead, another prefers the distinguished look of grey hair.

Shush Mr Tumble, that's a whole other post!

When I see lists on the internet of ‘Top 10 things men hate in a woman’ or ‘Top 10 things men love in a woman’ (and I’ve seen a few lately, hence this post) I want to scream!! I have rarely seen a ‘What women love in a man’ type post or even a ‘What men find attractive in men’ post but I’m sure they are out there. I’m putting this post up to remind us all that different is good and with all the amazing people in the world I’m pretty sure that if you want to find one who is perfect for you, you will.

And yes this is horribly hetero centric, because I’m straight , but it applies to all people really, I’m fairly sure straight, gay, undecided, bi, whatever, people like all sorts of other people…go forth, be single, or find a friend (or friends) have fun. Be most excellent to each other.

A guide to etiquette when you find a stranger attractive

It's complicated

So here is a guide to what is the etiquette when you see a person that you find attractive.

We shall assume this person is a stranger to you, they may even be in a public place. It is fine to find someone you see as attractive, it is fine to fancy them, however here are a few things that you should not do as a consequence of you fancying them.

Do not assume they fancy you. This is very important, you should have learned this at about 3 years of age, things you experience are not necessarily experienced by others.

Remember, you are not obliged to do anything. It is perfectly acceptable to see an attractive person and then go about your day. Seeing them, like seeing great art, might cheer you up and make the day better. This is a major benefit of seeing someone you find attractive.

Do not yell "Oy Oy!!" or "Blimey love I could give you one!" or "Sexy lady, give us a smile!" or "Hey stud, I like what's in your jeans!" or "I would ride that beard like a rodeo bull" or any similar comments. In fact do not yell at someone, it's pretty tacky at best and can be frightening at worst. Just don't.

If you are wearing an amusing T shirt suggesting you are a 'sex instructor', 'tit squeezer', or 'beard fondler' you may want to wait until another day, but certainly do not reference the T shirt as a witty chat up. Chances are they will not find it witty.

Do not whistle at them, some ladies do like a whistle but the vast majority do not, I don't know about men but I would err on the side of caution, don't whistle. People are not dogs to be summoned.

If you decide speak to this attractive person do so politely, maybe try "Hello" or "It's a lovely day" (unless it's raining then you will look like an idiot, if you are going with weather related chat be sure to know what the actual weather is like). You could be more direct and launch straight into "Sorry to bother you but you are very pretty/handsome and I had to say hello" but it's a riskier approach. Always smile, but not like a serial killer if you can help it.(I do not know what a serial killer smile looks like...but you get the idea)
If the person looks scared, or ignores you. Apologise and walk away.
Do not block their path so they have to stop, do not demand they speak to you, do not badger them to be nice, do not tell them to cheer up, do not insult them or call them frigid. Be nice.

If they smile and chat back, do not assume 'you are in' and suddenly revert to telling them you fancy them rotten and do they want a shag. Keep being nice. Maybe arrange to have a coffee, or offer them your mobile number so you could stay in touch.
If they chat back but make it clear they are already in a relationship or not interested in a new one, see advice re what to do if they ignore you above.

Well done! You have politely spoken to a person you fancy. You have not scared them or been rude. Who knows what will happen next...

If you have any tips do add them in the comments below.

My Top Ten Celebrity Beards

I'm a tad tipsy, it's Sunday afternoon and I'm on a second glass of wine, I'm blogging about beards.

I love beards. I'm a feminist, I like that woman can do anything that men can do and vice versa - but obviously that is 'within reason' - biology makes us different and I love those differences. I like women to be 'feminine', soft, hair free, (also 'within reason') pretty, (I'm sorry but I do!). I like men to be rugged, manly, hairy (yes all over) muscular, and BEARDED. I love the beard.

So here is my top ten of sexy famous beards.

In at Number 10, Brad Pitt, now I'm not one of his crazed fans that adores his 'perfect good looks' but I admire his facial hair, it has a 'devil may care' attitude that I like, he wears it trimmed or wild and wild is good, no 'namby pamby' designer stubble for Brad, oh no, Angelina gets the full tickle.

At number 9, Johnny Depp, now I know his beard is very small, and maybe even puny , but it's still a bit 'rough and ready' and seriously, johnny Depp is under it! and imagine running your hands through his beard....mmmmm

at number 8, George Clooney - I've never been a huge George fan but he does have 'come to bed eyes' and he rocks a beard

at number 7, Sean Connery, yes yes I know he is a bad man and a mediocre actor but still his beard calls to me, that and hish schotish accent.....yes please Sean

at number 6.5, Tom Selleck, who slips in with a moustache to die for and awesome chest hair. Yes he looks like a 70s porn star, but I still would

at Number 6 I'm sneaking in the sneaky Rowan Atkinson, and the sneaky Blackadder, Suave, bearded and slightly evil

At Number 5,  Sendhil Ramamurthy, remember him in Heroes? oh yes! Lovely facial hair my friend.

and at number 4, Will Smith, yum yum, what's to say Will is lovely in every way and despite his daughter's awful song, I still love him, with a beard, even more so.

and at 3.5 (is this cheating?) Bruce Willis - sexy in stubble, and gorgeous in beard!

at Number 3, Aidan Turner, he is my dream man with out a beard, I almost faint when I see him with a beard....mmmmmmmmm

at Number 2, Hugh Jackman...I can barely speak....

and at Number 1, the KING of the BEARD, BRIAN BLESSED

How about you? Beard fan? or beard hater? why? Do leave a comment, and a link to any fabulous beards I missed from my list!! Thanks

PS I'm faint with excitement. The KING OF BEARDS himself has seen my post. 

If you are visiting because you saw the tweet I thank you. (and my twitter name is @tattooed_mummy sorry Mr Blessed)