Wordy Wednesday with Adele Yeomans

Today's Wednesday Author for Wordy Wednesday is Adele Yeomans. She is a spooktacular writer (see what I did there?) And I was tempted to save her for the end of October and All Hallow's Eve, but after some thought I decided to give you time to get your hand's on her creepy tales of hauntings, ready for a midnight read!

Her books Blackpool’s Haunted Heritage and Preston’s Haunted Heritage give an insight into the spookier side of these well-known Lancashire towns. With stories collected from some of the ‘haunted’ who live with these spectres daily, you will travel on a journey through some of the theatres, hotels, pubs, houses and old halls, where the boundary between the realm of the living and the dead is thin. From the truly horrific to the hilarious, this frightfully fun guide is packed with ghostly happenings of all kinds, written in a colourful style that is intended to both inform and entertain.

Adele says "From a personal point of view, my own home is featured heavily in the Blackpool’s Haunted Heritage book and it is why this one is my ‘favourite’"

So here are Adele's answers to my probing questions!

When did you start writing?
 Professionally, since 2007. I was approached by established author and TV Presenter Jason Karl to co-write a series of Haunted Heritage Books, following my own home being featured on Most Haunted! Prior to that I have always ‘written’, poetry, Blogs, but this was my first foray into ‘real writing’.

What 3 things (not including paper, computer, pens) would you like to facilitate a good days writing? 
I always like to light a scented candle ( gets me in the mood), in winter I love to escape to my office and light a fire, a cup of tea is good, but ideally I’d prefer (and sometimes have) a glass of fizz…and chocolate (Cadbury’s Buttons) !

Do you write to a schedule, eg every day or three times a week, set times, etc or do you write as and when the mood strikes? 
At the moment I’m too busy with my ‘real’ job to write daily, though I blog my tarot site fairly regularly, so I have to say it’s an ‘as and when thing’ currently.

Is writing your main source of income, I read lots of articles saying writers make no money, and my readers asked this question a lot! Can you survive on book writing alone? if not, what else do you do? 
As I say above, I run two businesses, quite diverse from each other - I own a wedding venue in Lancashire ( but I live in the Cotswolds now too) and an online Tarot Readings site which makes life interesting, but no… book writing hasn’t proved to be very profitable…yet.

What are your favourite biscuits? 
Jammy Dodgers

Tea or Coffee? 
Tea


Where do you do most of your writing? 
Life can be quite hectic travelling between two homes so I need to be flexible. I have an office in my home in Lancashire which I use when I’m up there but aside from that I write on the dining table, a lot... - more space for the tea and plate of jammy dodgers!

What book are you reading at the moment? 
‘Follow You Home’ by Mark Edwards

Do you use social media (facebook, twitter, instagram etc) to engage with your audience, do you think it helps sales and do you find it fun or a chore? 
Answering this question has made me realise that I don’t use it enough to push my books. I love social media, so I'm now making this a priority …I’ve been missing a trick here.

Do you own an e-reader? and do you prefer to read digital or paper copy? 
I do and I love it for holidays, but there’s nothing quite like handling a book, it is my preference and I still buy lots.

If you could genetically cross and animal with a fruit or vegetable what would you choose and why? I'm currently keen on an Aubergine Hippo, for the nice colour... 
Cats are my favourite animals – I have a black one, so I’d go for a cross between a cat and a rambutan – a hairy, prickly pink cat ..?? Cute - and slightly odd

If reading and writing were banned, what would you do instead?
Sing and dance….ooh nice choice

If you could bring a dead person back from the dead for one day to have tea and a natter with them, who would you choose and why? 
This is a no brainer…I’m a massive Shakespeare fan, so he’s my man. So many questions too, who / what inspired you and at what times in your life, where did you do your writing, which play do you love / hate, what haven’t you written about that you wish you had…?

Both my books can be bought from Amazon:


Preston's Haunted Heritage


Blackpool's Haunted Heritage

Huge thanks for taking part, I hope some readers are tempted by the thought of an evening of haunting tales...don't look behind you.

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Why does the ‘Rob’ scenario in the Archers bother so many people and why is it so upsetting?

Information on the Rob character in the Archers for those that are not regular listeners, can be found here.

I, like many people, have never been personally involved with domestic abuse, not coercion, not control, not violence; but like many I am aware of it.

I would expect people that have experienced it to find the storyline uncomfortable at best but at worst to cause stress and flashbacks and real fear. But why does it also cause other people, people with no experience of abuse to feel similarly?

I think the reason that the Rob story line in the archers affects people who have no experience of abuse is because it turns us into voyeurs, allowing us to stand idly by while Rob lies, cheats, controls and demeans, it makes us feel complicit with his abuse as we are forced to listen but unable to do anything to help.

Perhaps this is the writers intention, to allow us to feel as powerless as one of Rob’s victims, to feel that impotence to be able to act, the same thing that surely the other characters feel when confronted with his clever words that are always ‘not quite obvious abuse’, ‘not quite worth calling out’.

Like most people I hope that Rob gets what’s surely his due very soon. But part of me feels that maybe, as so often in real life, he won’t, that his smarmy control of business rivals and his frightening control of Helen and her child will just continue for ever.

On a practical fictional note Helen has lost a previous partner to a death (also a brother) so I imagine that Rob will not meet a sticky end, as surely that would finish Helen too. I wonder if perhaps finally he will be called out, discovered and like the feeble bully he is he will run away, to remain a shadow character, lurking in the dark of the stage wings, always threatening return, maybe having already become Henry’s legal father.

What ever happens I hope some thing does and soon, as from reading tweets it looks as if people are no longer just annoyed at Rob’ original ‘panto villain’ status but are now uneasy, afraid and creeped out by his increasingly dubious behaviour. Some victims of domestic abuse have said they have had to stop listening as the familiar phrases and controlling nature of his character are just too upsetting. In the sleepy world of Ambridge will his cheating at cricket be the final straw?

I’ve love to hear what you think, please join the conversation in the comments below. Do you like having a an evil character in the Archers? Is Rob really scary or just a silly character? Do people that take the Archers this seriously need to get a life? Is the actor’s portrayal of Rob’s gradual descent into an abusive partner a thing of genius or a step too far on a sleepy radio show for a Sunday afternoon.

If you or anyone you know are affected by domestic violence you can seek help here

Wordy Wednesday with Michael Wombat

Today I introduce you to a weird twitter friend. Michael Wombat, be assured that in this context 'weird' is a compliment and merely differentiates him from the normal and boring. He has written the 'sexy, funny and violent' Fog and more recently a collection of stories Blood on the Ground, both available on kindle (the Kindle app is free on ipad, android and PC so no excuse) and you can buy them via Amazon.

Michael is a Yorkshireman living in the rural green hills of Lancashire, and a man of huge beard. (this in no way swayed my choice of author this week) He has a penchant for good single-malts, inept football teams, big daft dogs and the diary of Mr. Samuel Pepys. He spends his time writing and pretending to take good photographs.

And so I quizzed him...

When did you start writing?

In the last century. Like so many others I wrote down the stories that I'd make up for the children about our pets, in our case rabbits and cats. I typed up a word document and promptly forgot about it. Twenty years later I was chatting with indie author Alex Brightsmith (do check her out, her writing is deft and enthralling). She encouraged me to dig out the old manuscript and self-publish it. Warren Peace came out in 2012 and I've not been able to stop since.

What 3 things (not including paper, computer, pens) would you like to facilitate a good days writing?

Is silence a thing? Then silence, mostly, or at most the "wandering through the countryside" tracks from the Skyrim soundtrack. At the moment I'm working on a novel set in 1322, so occasionally a bit of plainsong or medieval polyphony. Also coffee and a bottle of Laphroaig Quarter Cask please.

Do you write to a schedule, eg every day or three times a week, set times, etc or do you write as and when the mood strikes?

I can't write to a schedule at all, although I admire the work ethic of those (like Ed Kendrick) who do. Deadlines royally piss me off and I feel obliged to stick two fingers up at their temerity. I have to wait for the fancy to take me, and I don't always fancy the current WIP. That's where a quick flash comes in handy ;-)

Is writing your main source of income, I read lots of articles saying writers make no money, and my readers asked this question a lot! Can you survive on book writing alone? if not, what else do you do?

A world of no. I do this entirely for love, and although my books do sell, it's not in enough numbers to buy me, say, a remote Scottish island. I'm retired now, though I used to be a computer expert paid handsomely for my arcane knowledge. Even further back I was a forester, a far more interesting job entirely.

What are your favourite biscuits?

I like a ginger biscuit dunked in milk. Interestingly, when I ran my Biscuit World Cup, polling readers' opinions, the winner was shortbread. SHORTBREAD! I suspect foul play.

Tea or coffee?

Tea on waking, coffee for the rest of the day. I like to make a cafetiere from freshly ground beans that I buy from Bolton market. <

Where do you do most of your writing?

At the battered old laptop on my desk in the front room. If I'm out and about I write on my HUDL. "Swipe" typing makes this fast and easy. <

What book are you reading at the moment?

Michael Chabon's Kavalier and Clay, and Ian Mortimer's invaluable and engrossing The Time Traveller's Guide to Medieval England. Plus I'm always reading The Diaries of Samuel Pepys. He's my constant companion.

Do you use social media (facebook, twitter, instagram etc) to engage with your audience, do you think it helps sales and do you find it fun or a chore?

Hell yeah, it's immense fun! One of my favourite things to do is to put Twitter followers and Facebook friends in my books. At their request, of course - I don't just bung them in there. It's surprising how many people want to be a baddie. It's tremendously engaging, and I'm certain that it boosts sales.

Do you own an e-reader? and do you prefer to read digital or paper copy?

I have an old first-edition Kindle. I prefer the feel and smell of paper, but the convenience of an eReader makes owning one essential. <

If you could genetically cross and animal with a fruit or vegetable what would you choose and why? I'm currently keen on a cucumber ferret, for the nice colour and suspicious slinkiness...
Best question ever. (thank you kind sir)  I've kind of done this already in Tooth and Claw, but at the moment I quite fancy a chilli dog. What do you mean, that's cheating? Oh alright, a Potato Spider, spinning webs of French Fries. <

If reading and writing were banned, what would you do instead?

Play my ukuleles all the livelong day.

Would you rather be naked in a room of clothed people or clothed in a room of naked people?

Yes please.

Thanks to Michael for taking part with Wordy Wednesday. Why not follow him on Twitter or Facebook?

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Wordy Wednesday with Laura Clay

Hello WordyWednesday fans! Today I'm introducing and quizzing Laura Clay.

Her book, an urban fantasy set in 1980s Edinburgh, is looking for an agent/publisher as we speak.So feel free to grab her and snap that up!

And now onto the questions, *turns on the bright light and aims it at Laura*

When did you start writing?
English was always one of my favourite subjects at school and it frustrated me that creative writing didn’t seem to be a large part of the curriculum. The first piece I clearly remember was for the Standard Grade exam, and because I’m an 80s child it involved an adventure based on Duran Duran’s Save A Prayer video. I passed with flying colours.
I properly started writing fiction in earnest back in autumn 2012 when I won a place on a creative writing course (thanks to Twitter, of all things!). After that I was persuaded to take part in the annual National Novel Writing Month, where you’re challenged to write a 50,000 word novel in November. It’s all just sort of snowballed since then, and I’ve won NaNoWriMo three times now.

What 3 things (not including paper, computer, pens) would you like to facilitate a good day’s writing?
I can’t survive without music. It’s tied into a lot of what I write, so I keep big playlists of 80s synthpop, New Wave and punk. Caffeine’s also a must (or something more alcoholic in the evenings). And encouragement always helps, whether that’s from my long-suffering husband or virtually on Twitter and Facebook.

Do you write to a schedule, eg every day or three times a week, set times, etc or do you write as and when the mood strikes?
I try to write a little every day, aiming for 500-1000 words, but I always carry a notebook with me since the Muse can pop up and throw ideas at me anywhere! The word count target in Scrivener is really useful for motivation- the bar turns from red to green the more words you write.

Laura thinking about biscuits - the tricky question

What are your favourite biscuits?
It’s a toss-up between a crumbly Viennese finger and a dark chocolate Digestive.

Tea or Coffee?

Coffee, generally. Instant, too, because I’m too impatient to get the decent ground coffee out.

Is writing your main source of income? I read lots of articles saying writers make no money, and my readers asked this question a lot! Can you survive on book writing alone? If not, what else do you do?

Sadly not. The pieces I’ve had success with didn’t pay, but on the other hand they’ve been good for getting my name out there. In my day job I’m a freelance proofreader and copy editor, currently I work with Raspberry Pi making awesome online resources for children (and adults) to learn how to do cool things with a tiny, cheap computer. I’m also subeditor of the official magazine, The MagPi.

Where do you do most of your writing?

I work from home so it’s usually my office, crammed full of books and musical instruments, or sometimes the conservatory where the birds keep me company. But Edinburgh is full of great bars, coffee shops and historic castles, so I sometimes take my tablet out with me. I once wrote a short story in the sunny grounds of Crichton Castle, a short drive from home- it was very relaxing.

What book are you reading at the moment?

I have a few on the go at once. Since my novel is Young Adult I read quite a few novels in that age range, so currently I’m working through Scorpia Rising by Anthony Horowitz (a well researched, fast-paced teenage spy adventure), Remix by Non Pratt (painfully realistic account of love and friendship at a music festival) and Panther by David Owen (a moving story about a depressed boy and well worth tracking down).

Do you use social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc) to engage with your audience? Do you think it helps sales and do you find it fun or a chore?

I’m on Twitter all the time, and it does help with getting more views to my blog. It’s also fantastic for finding fellow writers, editors, agents and so on. There’s regular virtual meet ups, like #ukyachat for anyone interested in YA books and #wwwblogs run by the Women Writers, Women’s Books site. I’ve found some awesome people on these hashtags.

Do you own an e-reader? And do you prefer to read digital or paper copy?
I’ve got the Kindle app on a few devices- it’s handy for scooping up 99p bargains and taking on holiday. I still prefer paper books though. Edinburgh’s stuffed full of bookshops, and I go to my local library every week. It’s a UNESCO City of Literature and judging by my groaning bookshelves it definitely lives up to the hype!

If you could genetically cross an animal with a fruit or vegetable what would you choose and why? I'm currently thinking Horse Radish...impossible to ride, but feisty...

Hmm... I could have an animal from Celtic mythology, because several of my novel characters happen to be those sort of creatures. Maybe a citrusy selkie... a seal-lime?

If reading and writing were banned, what would you do instead?

Oh crumbs... I’d play piano and bass guitar all day, though I’d have to play by ear if I wasn’t allowed sheet music to read. Or I’d dive into my pile of retro games consoles, always a good way to pass the time.

If you could bring a dead person back from the dead for one day to have tea and a natter with them, who would you choose and why?

Tricky! It’d probably be someone from the 80s. Maybe Bob Holness from Blockbusters. I bet he has a few stories about what the teenagers were really like when the cameras weren’t running.

If you could pass one law what would it be?

I’d ban achingly trendy hipster bars, like that cereal one in London. It wouldn’t surprise me if that sort of thing’s already popped up in Edinburgh for the Fringe. We have enough red-trousered flat-capped folk in the New Town as it is!


Huge thanks to Laura for putting up with my silly questions.

Laura's most recent published work was part of a collaborative effort at the NineWorlds convention to write a novel in 75 minutes. The result was a novella, The Phantom of the Space Opera, she wrote chapter 14. It can be downloaded here: https://nineworlds.co.uk/


Her short story, A Story of Homecoming, is available in a free ebook from the Scottish Book Trust and can be downloaded from http://scottishbooktrust.com/
 

Laura also has a short piece, Diablada, which will be exhibited as part of the 26 Children’s Winters project at the Museum of Childhood in Edinburgh from October- it will also be online as an advent calendar in December and published at a later date. Details are at http://www.edinburghmuseums.org.uk/
And check out her blog where there is short fiction and other rambling at https://writingsfromotherworld.wordpress.com/

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Phones at bedtime and teenagers

Teens that take a phone to bed are more tired in the day than teens that don't. Being tired can affect mental health. So a study has revealed. Did we really need a study to tell us that? I have a teen and like me she is addicted to her phone, though for different reasons. I'm a twitter addict while she is all about snapchat and youtubers. As soon as she arrives in a wifi zone (she has limited data) she is clued to a 4 inch screen. It was interesting to see in the study that using multiple devices is common too as Dd often watches YouTube on her laptop while listening to music and snapchatting, and checking Facebook!

At bedtime it's tempting to spend a few relaxing minutes laying in bed reading stuff on your phone (or in her case watching a quick video) rather than reading a book or just going to sleep. The temptation is stronger if the phone sits there by the bed (mine does as I use it as an alarm) and if you are a teen apparently the temptation is then to check each beep during the night.

I don't know about you but I put my phone on to 'silent' (no vibrate either!) at night. So when I do finally say goodnight to the little twitter people in the phone, I go to sleep and sleep soundly until daybreak. It seems though that teens can't do that - if the phone is there it must be beeping at each interaction. (though who the teens are that are awake at 3am and sending you a snapchat I do not know! "Me in bed - should be sleeping LOL") It seems, in short, that teens lack self control. Who knew. At a guess, parents, and possibly teens, pretty much all the people that didn't do the study..or maybe they did know but they needed it to be tested, referenced and evidenced.

It sort of comes with the territory that we, as parents,  are still doing the parent thing. Our children might be growing up, but they are not grown up and so we sometimes have to make difficult decisions they won't address. In our house the answer is pretty simple, the teen's phone has to be left (in silent mode) in another room where we can see it when she goes to bed. She doesn't get to have a phone in her bedroom. After all, the average teen is not going to need it as an alarm, they don't get out of bed without dire threats and cold water most mornings. It's no fun setting rules and being the mean parent, but it's still what we have to do.
Does your child have a mobile phone (or tablet, PC, laptop etc) ? Are they allowed it in their room at night and if so will this news make you change the rules? Do you have screen time rules?

School Uniform Rules

As usual when a new academic year starts the news picks up on the children that have been sent home due to school uniform infringement.

For my American (and other foreign land) readers, it should be noted that almost all British schools whether government run or private (and we call some of these private schools ‘public schools’ because they are not government run, but run by the public see here for more info) have uniforms. School uniforms in Britain range from the simple “grey skirt or trousers, white blouse, grey jumper or cardigan” type uniform, to the extremely strict style where each item is described in detail, styles of skirt and trouser are defined, jumpers or blazers may need embroidering with the school logo, blouses may even have sleeve length and collar types regulated, this strict type of school will probably also demand a certain colour and type of shoe (most schools state no trainers) and will have rules on other aspects of appearance such as makeup, jewellery and hairstyle.

when DD was smaller, at middle school

Parents seem to fall into several camps, the “they are the rules, lets either change them if we dislike them or stick to them” type (that’s me) , the “children should be allowed self expression, uniform is ok but hair and piercings are their own business” type, the “if I can afford it fine, if not you’ll just have to lump it, it’s mostly uniform and that’s fine by me” type, and the “you’re lucky I get them to school frankly, so shut up about looks and just teach” type.

DDs school is especially strict, even to the shop it has to be bought in (fairly sure that’s actually illegal but they ensure that the description of the uniform is so tight it can’t be bought elsewhere). The uniform however is really nice. The girls all seem to like it and I’ve not seem many infringements over the years, just the occasional rebellious wearing of the incorrect colour socks!

When I read some comments online about the news stories, and even personal stories, of children sent home, excluded from lessons or sent to detention for wearing incorrect uniform or flouting a hair colour rule I was not going to bother to get involved, after all it happens every year and every year it sorts itself by mid term. Then I read a piece by Quirky Kook about skirt length and commented, and realised I did need to shoot my mouth off blog about uniforms ..

As I have a teen I was mostly interested in that age group, after all, before then, you are very reliant on what your parents buy and choose, as you get older you tend to be able to take more responsibility for your own looks. Today I discussed it with DD. Surprisingly (or maybe not, she is a mini me) despite being a teen she likes the uniform and the rules. She has little patience with rule breakers. (they apparently once had a girl that had to wear a brunette wig to school to cover her blue and green hair; an interesting compromise) and DD likes the fact that at her school the rules relax as you get older, the upper years are allowed makeup and nail varnish. When I asked what she thought about kids being sent home she agreed it was silly but thinks it’s better if done now, early in the term, to make the point. But she also told me that at her school the office has pre-loved (haha) school uniforms, washed and repaired by the PTA, ready and waiting for girls that claim “I don’t have the right jumper/blouse/skirt” etc – they have new pairs of cheap correctly coloured socks too! What an eminently sensible idea, not least because for the average rebel the thought of wearing second hand kit is worse than conforming to begin with! As far as DD is concerned there is plenty of time out of school to wear her new “School Sucks” logo T shirt!

DD models her school uniform...yes they have a hat

I think if you are going to send your child to a school with a uniform policy (and no law says you must send your child to school of course) then you should be prepared to follow the rules (or maybe join the PTA or governors and try to change them if you really hate them). To me uniforms help to create cohesion in the school, can prevent some forms of bullying, make it simpler each morning for parents to get children ready, look smart and prepare children for a world that (whether you like it or not) has rules that need to be followed, including many jobs where a dress code is enforced.

How do you feel about school uniform rules? If you don’t like them have you tried to change them? Do you stick to the rules or does your child bend them?

Wordy Wednesday with Dave Turner

Hello Wordy Wednesday fans - apologies about last weeks rant in place of a fabulous author interview - Luckily you've been spared this week as I have a fabulous author all warm and ready to eat ...sorry all quizzed and ready to share.

Allow me to introduce Dave (everyone knows someone called Dave - this fact is now indisputable as I've just introduced you - see here he is)

Dave Turner to be exact - and he writes things, specifically  he has written How to be Dead 

" Dave Marwood is trapped in a soul crushing dead end job. He’s in love with his work colleague Melanie and his only friend Gary is a conspiracy theory nut.

His life is going nowhere until he has a Near Death Experience - though Death thinks of it as a Near Dave Experience. He discovers gifts he never knew he possessed and a world he never dreamed existed. A world where the Grim Reaper is a hard drinking, grumpy Billy Joel fan and the undead are bored, lonely and dangerous.

How To Be Dead is the first part in a three novella funny urban fantasy series that tells the story of Death and his office staff protecting humanity from ghosts, zombies, vampires and medium-sized apocalypses.

After a nice cup of tea and a biscuit."

and Papercuts ..which is part two

When did you start writing?

After watching ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’ when I was 6 years old and thinking “I want to do that!”. I wrote lots of words, sold some screenplays, burned through two literary agents and got no closer to my plan of writing full-time. I’m a big fan of the punk DIY ethos, so in 2013 I decided to set up my own publishing company and release books into the wild myself. I’ve just published Paper Cuts, my second novella.

What 3 things (not including paper, computer, pens) would you like to facilitate a good days writing?

Coffee. Biscuits. Crippling self-doubt. Those three things usually mean I end up with some words on a page.

Do you write to a schedule, eg every day or three times a week, set times, etc or do you write as and when the mood strikes?

Most days I scribble down plots, ideas and jokes until they start to gel into a narrative. Then, once I start the actual word-mining, it’s five days a week until the thing is finished. 

Is writing your main source of income, I read lots of articles saying writers make no money, and my readers asked this question a lot! Can you survive on book writing alone? if not, what else do you do?

No. I have a day job in London. The bonus is I get the commute to write and read for a few hours a day. I’m 40 next year and the plan was to be self-sufficient through writing by then. I’d better get moving.
 
What are your favourite biscuits?

The Chocolate Hob Nob is humanity’s crowning achievement.

What's your favourite tipple and have you ever followed Ernest Hemmingway's advice to 'write drunk, edit sober’?

Whatever wine is on sale in the supermarket. I’ve written sober and edited drunk. It’s certainly less effective than Hemingway’s approach.

Where do you do most of your writing?

On the train with large businessmen elbowing me. It concentrates the mind.

What book are you reading at the moment?

Mr Nice, the autobiography of legendary dope smuggler Howard Marks. It’s a bit of an eye opener. 

Do you use social media (facebook, twitter, instagram etc) to engage with your audience, do you think it helps sales and do you find it fun or a chore? 

My work is all digital at the moment, so the internet is the number one tool for my sales and marketing. I originally started testing jokes for the first book on Twitter, so I’m not sure I would’ve ever got round to writing it without it. It’s a great way to keep in touch with readers and other writers and it’s certainly helped sales. You’d think my wife would appreciate the time I spend on it more because, before Twitter and Facebook came along, she was the one poor soul that had to put up with listening to my idiocy. 
 
Do you own an e-reader? and do you prefer to read digital or paper copy?

There’s nothing better than curling up with a physical book on a cold evening, but I do most of my reading on the move. After nearly putting my spine out reading the paperback of Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell on the London Underground, my Kindle never leaves my man-bag. 

If you could genetically cross and animal with a fruit or vegetable what would you choose and why? I'm currently thinking orange-utan ... just because...and those long arms would be fun on a citrus fruit I think.

A Grape Dane. The companionship of a dog and you can make wine out of him. (another great answer - this is starting to be my favourite question)
 
If reading and writing were banned, what would you do instead?

Build campfires and tell stories around them. 
 
What's your favourite joke, one that always makes you laugh? or at least crack a wry smile (it can be one of yours or one you've heard)?

My favourite joke of all time is unrepeatable in polite company. It involves Noddy and an unbelievably offensive punchline. 

Thanks for playing Dave - and thanks to you for reading. You can grab Dave's Books via Amazon

Dave Turner is an award winning writer whose work has featured on the websites of BBC News, The Guardian, The Daily Telegraph, The Times, The Huffington Post and FHM.

In 2011 he won the Best Screenplay Award at London Screenwriters' Festival with his short film script 'Everything You Need'. After selling various screenplays which you will note you have not seen as films at your local multiplex, he created Aim For The Head books to publish his work.

Stalk Follow him on Twitter @MrDaveTurner

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Art and the internet

Recently I've been excited to see photos of Banksy's new installation 'Dismaland' and I've been dying to see it for myself, but it seems that tickets are hard to get hold of, the travel is a bit far for me and it's only open until the end of September. So it seems that I will have to make do with looking at the art online.

It made me realise how lucky we are to have so much art available at the touch of a button. I have visited (and loved) many famous art galleries, Tate Modern, The National Portrait Gallery, the Prado, Museo Nacional Centro de Arte Reina Sofía, and more but even if you cannot get to these famous galleries, with the wonder of the internet you can see so many paintings (and other art forms) instantly, even on your phone.

I know that seeing a picture in real life is different, but it is so much better to see something online than not at all. And while art books have been available for years, seeing them involves trips to the library or money to spend. The joy of the internet is so much free art to look at. And then if you like it you could either plan to go and see the real thing or even buy a life sized print of your favourites.

I'm a huge fan of Salvador Dali, Picasso and Goya, loving the dark nightmare-ish qualities of some of those paintings, look at the hideous dark beauty of Goya's work "Saturn devouring one of his sons" for example.

I've seen this one in real life, amazing artist

 There are lots of websites to look at art, Artsy.net is a great place to start, because it has information aboout the artists and the works as well as pictures. (and if you are feeling flush they sometimes have works for sale)

It's a great place for kids to browse too, no worries about them getting bored and playing up in a gallery - let them find what they like in the relative comfort of your own home, children can surprise you with what they like too! Given the chance to look at paintings by the old masters they can also be surprisingly perceptive.

Do you have a favourite piece of art? Do you have any original artworks in your house? Or a reproduction print that your children love? I'd love to know!

Eat Well for Less

I watched ‘Eat well for less’ last night. Leaving aside the grammar issue, and the fact that I don’t usually watch ‘reality TV’ because the directors always portray the people as thick as planks and thus hateful or snobby know-alls and thus hateful, here are my thoughts.

Pizzettas, ham and peach, made by DD from scratch (including base)

The Scott family was (of course) shown as lazy and stupid in turns, the mother shopping and buying not only almost every meal ‘ready made and oven-cookable’ but worse, she bought food ready sliced, diced and grated. When shown a cheese grater she either had never used one or pretended she hadn’t. (useful advice, buy a modern cheese grater like this one, and cut the cheese into manageable chunks before grating)  She saw slicing a potato as a challenge worth celebration and placing a slice of (pre cut) fruit loaf into a toaster as ‘preparation’.

But I think much of that was rubbish. She microwaved ready made pancakes (!) but didn’t moan that that was preparation for example. I think her ‘lazy stupidity’ was enhanced for the camera and mightily played up by the director. If you haven’t watched it you can probably catch it here.

I don’t believe the mum in this episode was really lazy either. Her children and her house were spotless and the children well behaved and polite, that doesn’t happen by chance, and both parents worked too. I think she didn’t know how to cook, and laughed it off as she was embarrassed.They were a really nice family, and despite the initial desire to slap Kate I did warm to her, her husband and their three children.

I was more interested in what Gregg Wallace didn’t say or show the family. The meals they were shown how to cook were all variations on what they were eating already so not especially healthy, mainly just cheaper and nicer. That makes sense though as you need to change eating habits gradually, there is no point in saying ‘bin the chips, eat quinoa’ that just won’t work. But I do wish he’d talked more about nutritional balance, vegetables, starches, fats etc and which foods contained which things.

There was also much talk of saving money on the food bill, but no discussion as to the fuel bill. Would 45 minutes for cheap potato chips in the oven impact more than the original plan of oven chips that take 15 minutes for example? The same for the pizzas shown later. I don’t know the answer, maybe it would make little impact but I would have liked it to have been considered.

Biscuits made at home

Gregg did briefly mention using a butcher but only to buy the ham, there was no discussion of independent butchers – ours is often cheaper than the supermarket, the meat comes with little packaging and best of all – no sell by dates! – something the mum on the show was shown as being terrified of. (see my take on that here) Not only can local butchers be cheaper, but even if the meat is slightly more expensive it can be better value, the chops we buy there shrink much less in cooking than the ones we buy at the supermarket and taste better too.

Oddly there seemed to be no discussion of buying fruit or veg at a greengrocer’s (very odd as Chris Bavin is a greengrocer). We use a local one when we can, all the food is, again, packaging free, and has no use by dates, it’s a lesson in what fruit and veg should look like. Also fruit and veg bought in season can still be cheaper than trying to stick to the same fruit and vegetables all year round, a local farm shop can be cheaper for the vegetables that are in season if you are lucky enough to have a farm nearby.

Some ideas for recipes in using things that are about to go out of date would have been good too – the old stand-by of banana cake for example for those suddenly black bananas, the idea that you can cook and freeze a meal or blanche and freeze vegetables.

The oven where the magic happens

Gregg briefly mentioned freezing sandwiches, though didn’t discuss the best fillings for freezing, and the suggestion seemed to just be laughed off) for reference, ham, cheese and tuna mayonnaise all freeze well (Though DD says to remind you that on a cold day they may not thaw by lunchtime if taken out of the freezer at breakfast time – I think I’ve lost mummy points!) Adding salad to a sandwich though makes it a soggy mess, so leave the lettuce, tomato and cucumber to add separately to the lunch box!

One thing the mum, Kate, said at the end was that she planned cooking on Sunday and freezing meals for the week. Good on her! And I admired their proposal for meal planning. I think she could also save money, have fun and improve her kitchen skills by baking biscuits with the children, perfect for lunch boxes and a great winter afternoon pastime.

I won’t be watching the programme again, I don’t feel I learned any thing, the presenters took a long time to really say nothing much as the advice on butter vs margarine wasn’t even particularly current. (new research which looked at 50 studies involving more than one million people found there was no evidence that saturated fat was bad for health. ) But for anyone that is out there thinking the a Findus Crispy Pancake is the height of sophistication and that a poached egg on toast is a ‘meal that need a lot of cooking’ then I think this show could help them to branch out a little.

My favourite cook book

I would suggest that ‘looking for cheaper versions of what you normally buy and trying them’ is a good idea, maybe one item a week from a supermarkets cheap basic range? After all, it might be OK and if not you can go back to your usual. We like basic pasta and rice for example but I prefer branded bagels and cream cheese. ‘Blind’ taste tests can be fun too, as the programme showed when they tasted the unmarked coffee…

And the simplest option of all? Buy a simple cookery book.

Did you watch the show? What did you think? And will it make you change your eating or shopping habits?

Words, language and change.

Words, language, change. I’m a lover of the first two and I understand that the third happens, though along with many people I’m not keen on it, and I’m especially averse to change for the sake of change alone.

In George Orwell’s 1984 he took a lot of care explaining how newspeak, a state controlled way of using language, could be used to control the minds of the populace, but even so, I feel that the populace is not always best placed to make their own language changes. Lately I’ve found myself asking “Can I get a cup of…” when I should blatantly be saying “May I have a cup of …” and even the awful extra use of the word ‘get’ to mean ‘understand’ as in “I don’t get what you are saying”.
And here I will point out you do indeed ‘get’ what I’m saying, because unless you are deaf the sound waves of my speech have reached your ears, it’s translating those sounds into meaning that you are struggling with.

The silly thing is that some words seem to move happily onto a new meaning without rousing my ire. I’m cool with wicked meaning good (and with cool meaning ….well, cool) I don’t mind brilliant no longer referring to light, or that fantastic no longer refers to fantasy. Even celebrity slips by, though I have never celebrated any of them.

But some things make me silently cry inside. I cannot stand silently by and listen to the use of ‘literally’ used to just add emphasis, where people are speaking metaphorically. As in “I literally died!” “I literally peed myself”

I don’t like the new trend of using perfectly fine nouns as verbs. When did athletes stop winning medals and begin ‘medalling’. This morning on Radio 4 a man referred to someone (presumably having been killed by an armed drone) as having been “droned by the Americans”. Did this all start with Google and Instagram and Facebook? Is the internet to blame (do ‘inbox me’ to let me know).

Top of my current loathe list, however, are the phrases “me time” which in reality means, some time to do what I want to do, and sounds both pretentious and selfish simultaneously in my opinion. And the frankly horrendous “hack” specifically (but not restricted to) “Life Hack”. Hack, even in computer speak means to break something, to chop and damage. What on earth is a Life Hack anyway? Usually the word hack is replacing the perfectly serviceable word “idea”. So here’s a hack for you. Speak English, and people that also speak English will then be able to understand you without resorting to looking up your words and phrases on an online urban dictionary.

Much love
Grumpy TM

PS do add any of your own pet hates in the comments below.

Is it OK to like the baddies?

From Maleficent, Tom in Tom and Jerry, Captain Hook, and even Peter Pan (in the original book) right through to the dark and twisted fictional characters like Dexter and Christian Grey we seem to revel in a bit of 'baddie love'.

Is it OK to love a baddie? Do we always have to be rooting for the good guy and must the white hats always triumph for a story to be 'right'? Do we need happy endings?

For a long while I've felt that children's fairy tales are designed to be dark and scary and I've blogged about specific stories before. Fairy tales help children to manage difficult situations in the relative safety of a book (don't tel Bastion in the Never Ending Story of course, he may disagree about the safety aspect). Children deal with the loss of parents (almost all fairy stories pit lone children against monsters - you can't blame Disney for this one), fear of survival, they learn about rules and the consequences of keeping or breaking them, the same with promises. Children see huge and evil things defeated and while they can have nightmares about monsters in the dark they can also learn of the selflessness of love and the strength of truth.

Does adult fiction follow a similar vein? Are we able to look into the dark and deal with it rather than live its horror if we read dark and terrifying books. Having read a few dark stories I often emerge feeling glad I'm not trapped there in the pages of the novel. But sometimes I might admire the 'baddie'; sometimes it feels good to see someone stretch outside of the confines of the rules and do what we might all like to do...but daren't.

Have you watched Fargo and wanted someone dead? Have you cheered a villain? Am I unusual or is this extra step one that helps us deal with the mundane and the ordinary. Does empathy with a bad guy sometimes help us to stay good? Could it be that James Bond, sneering, rich, and deadly, can help us live gentler lives purely because in our minds we can cheer for him, just for a second, before popping the veg on to boil and waiting for the children to wash their hands for tea.

What do you think?