Virginity - Poor Joseph

Apparently people, Christian people, have been offended by this. I am a Chrsitian and I thought it was funny! I am not a believer in the continued virginity of Mary, seriously Joseph took on a lot with a kid that wasn't his, but taking on a young woman and no sex? oh come on! (or not!) so I think this is both funny and probably scarily accurate! Poor Joseph.

Full story at the BBC news Website

Someone Just sent me this Christmas Message - Health and Safety in the Holiday Season

New health and safety advisory notices from the EU.

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields and local Air Traffic Control before take-off. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to "Round Table Children's Wish" in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Gardening

It’s the weekend and for many their thoughts will have turned to gardening. I’m what you’d think of as a lover of nature, and a relaxed and natural gardener. I tend to tidy up a bit so that growth doesn’t go crazy and escape the borders, but apart from that I leave nature to do its thing. I pretty much think that’s OK and everyone else who counts in this house agrees.

Some people like a really neat garden, they trim stuff into shapes, keep very perfect lines and let nothing grow beyond a certain height, and that’s great if that’s how they like their garden to look.

Even people that like a totally barren garden, shunning the growth that nature provides in favour of clean smooth lines is of course totally acceptable, gardens are yours to do with as you will. As long as you garden for yourself all is fine.

Of course by now you have guessed I’m talking of ‘lady-gardens’. I had, after all, promised on twitter to blog on this very topic. And after so much thought I realise that I do not have much to say!

Copyright: julipetukhova / 123RF Stock Photo

Your garden, is as I said, your garden, to trim, de-forest or leave as you wish, I do worry that some ladies are coerced by society into a garden that they do not choose for themselves. One should not feel the need to have ‘pubic topiary’ or total deforestation because ‘it’s expected’ or because ‘it’s clean’ or ‘men like it’ or any one of a million silly reasons. Likewise no one should feel they cannot shave because ‘only porn stars shave’ etc etc.

Pubic hair is just hair! Many people like it, many do not, just as many people love a hairy man and many do not. So trim, shave, Veet it, wax it, sugar it – do what you like to it! But do what YOU want, don’t be tempted to get a gardener in.

How does your garden grow? Cockle shells? Silver bells?

Passing on a serious warning!

Re: Stolen Body Parts

Please! Be careful!

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. While that was an "urban legend," this one is not. It's happening every day. I'm sending this "warning" to all my blog readers. You too may have been a victim -- read on.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and support tights.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My rear end was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than the original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.

Now my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion. Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time. In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my T-shirts.

What could they do to me next? Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning. That's why I've decided to share my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself.

Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! That isn't really "plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again! Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy tucks and buttocks raisings. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star? I think I finally may have found my thighs...and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is NOT a hoax! This is happening to women in every town every night

Warn your friends....

Poems and Memories of childhood

Image credit: teerapun / 123RF Stock Photo

A while ago I blogged about my grandma, she was my mum's mum (so cute, that thought, like matryoshka dolls!). My dad's mum died when I was only about 3 and I have no real memory of her, and just a framed print with a poem on it that she gave me when I was 2.


The poem:

Little Girl so roguish,

little girl so gay,

May the years all hold for you

time to romp and play

and when duty calls you,

may you do your part

just as eagerly and well

bless your little heart

now I hear you all cringing and maybe even vomiting but it was in the 60s and she was brought up in a time when duty and being a 'girl' and being 'proper' were all terribly important. Anyway it reminds me of her and I like it - I also like that she exalted me to be roguish and gay! lots of romping still to do too - may eventually do my duty - who knows.

Funnily enough my dad's dad (my granpop) was a poet (but didn't know it - as he often said) he was full of silly jokes and silly rhymes and now I find my self saying them to my daughter - she finds them as hilarious as I did. Some are well known rhymes and others are more obscure but I thought I'd blog them, as much for me as for you :-) but if you are reading, enjoy, and thanks.

*warning total lack of any political correctness

Where was Moses when the light went out?
In the dark

And the Lord said to Moses "all the Jews will have long noses, except for Aaron, and he'll have a square'un"

And the Lord said to Moses "Come Forth!" (but he came 5th so he lost his pocket money)

Cough it up! Might be a gold watch!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ladles and Jellyspoons

I come before you
to stand behind you
to tell you something
I know nothing about

Next Thursday,
which is the day after Friday,
there will be a Ladies meeting,
for gentlemen only.

Admission is free
you can pay at the door.
we'll give you a chair
and you can sit on the floor.

It makes no difference
where you sit
The boy in the gallery's
sure to spit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One fine day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other

One was blind and the other couldn't see
So they chose a dummy for a referee
A blind man went to see fair play
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"

A paralyzed donkey passing by
Kicked the blind man in the eye
Knocked him through a 9 inch wall
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all

A deaf policeman heard the noise
And came to arrest the 2 dead boys
If you don't believe this story's true
Ask the blind man, he saw it, too!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not last night but the night before, the sea caught fire!
the deaf man heard it
the blind man saw it
and the man with no legs went running for a fire engine
which was pulled by two dead horses,
they ran over a dead cat and half killed it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next song,
will be a dance,
sung by a female gentleman,
barefooted, with his fathers boots on,
sitting on the corner of a round table
eating vinegar off a fork.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so there is no point to this blog post - no great meaning, just a silly reminiscence of my grandparents on my fathers side..

...my granpop especially, an eccentric chap who had a large black dog called Satan, who told people to call him 'Major' although he was a spiv in the war not a soldier! and who believed that 'signs' and instructions (like, No Dogs, or Staff Only Past This Point, etc ) were not aimed at him.

He also told me that teapots and milk jugs in cafes were included in the price of the tea and so we could take them home, so we did!

what a terrible man, but what a fantastic granpop for a child to have - staying the weekend with him was like staying at a house with an overgrown child! we ate frozen custard from the tin! and chocolates that were from LAST YEARs Christmas tree, we played games that the built in wardrobe was a lift! "first floor, ladies underwear and old men's baggy trousers!" the memories are fabulous.

I hadn't realised until I began writing, how much I missed him

What am I addicted to?

you need to ask?

seriously you need to ASK!!

I'm an online junkie of the worst kind. I adore t'interwebs. I love to chatter inanely at random people. I discovered 'message boards' 10 years ago when pregnant with darling daughter. I chatted like a crazy woman to other mums, we shared laughs ideas, photos, information; and on one noticeable occasion a group of us shared being banned form BabyNamesWorld for misbehaviour!
We left and created our own spin off group, but the message boards were like cannabis, a weak drug, not giving me quite the fix I needed - it wasn't FAST enough...

so gradually I drifted away and then I found Yahoo Answers! a place filled with life, a place where people wanted advice on anything from parenting, animal husbandry, sex to wedding dress choices and boyfriend advice, I was in heaven! I told it like it was, I got a little 'top contributor' button - I was FLYING....
but slowly the questions became boring, each was similar to another, some were mind numbingly stupid (He says he loves me so I should sleep wid him? wat ya think?) I drifted again..

A brief flurry into MySpace was fun, following celebrities and listening to music, but really the interaction was lacking.

Friends Reunited peaked my interest for a while, catching up with past loves, but it cost money! (although of course the addict in me paid up!) and after getting into trouble (again!) with a jealous wife I drifted away.

Facebook! Aha finally the cocaine I needed! a buzz, lots of people, random strangers - family - friends, they were all here, there was chat, statuses, notes, photos, groups FUN! I lived facebook! for a while. Then the 'games' appeared. People played but they no longer talked, my addiction to communicating with the world was at risk!!

but finally, finally Heroin......Twitter, yes Twitter, which I resisted for ages as 'nerdy' and 'not fun' and 'boring' and even 'stupid' how could I be so wrong!! Twitter was everything I needed, it was instant, always awake, always lively, filled with interesting, fun and nice people, with enough argument but not too much, ideas...oh how can I explain, if you tweet you know, if you don't......why!?

So thank you Stephen Fry (@stephenfry) for introducing me to the biggest addiction yet....

Panic Recipes

So, due to a tweet begging for culinary help, I‘ve been drawn to thinking about cooking.

I believe that a ‘good cook’ is not one that can go to the shops, buy a long list of ingredients, and then return home, weight and measure out all the necessary things from an elaborate recipe, follow all the instructions and make a perfect meal. Of course we all need recipes to start with, to get an idea of the basics, but I think a ‘good cook’ is one that can run to the (nearly empty) cupboard on a cold night with a screaming child clinging hungrily to their leg, and then create something tasty from what they find! No weighing, no lists to buy – just ‘panic cooking’

So in homage to those people, and because I am sometimes one myself, and because, let’s face it, we should all help each other! I am releasing a few of my ‘panic recipes’ here. Of course there are no measurements as I do that by eye and by feel! But once you can make a white sauce (really not as hard as you would be led by great chefs to believe) you are pretty much on the home straight!

Tuna Surprise!

1 tin Tuna
Pasta
Tomatoes – can be tinned , fresh, even jar of sauce
Onions (if you have any – not essential)
Cheese
Seasoning to taste

Cook pasta
If using onions – chop and fry until soft
Grate cheese
Put hot pasta and tomatoes/sauce and tuna (and onion) into a casserole dish (oven proof dish)
Stir a bit
you can add chopped black olives to this too and garlic - it makes it look like grown up food! LOL Sweetcorn also works well in this dish!
Throw grated cheese over top
Stick in oven gas mark whatever (6?) for about 20-30 minutes

Can be kept hot in oven for a while on lower heat so perfect for 2nds or late guests!

Cheesy Tuna Surprise

As above but substitute a cheese sauce for the tomato and use leek instead of onion, boil the leek, don’t fry it! Or use peas!

The basic white/cheese sauce can also be used without the tuna for a cheesy pasta dish, or add bacon bits!

Also try potato surprise!

Chop some peeled spuds into inch cubes
Boil them til they are soft but not crumbling
Grate some cheese – make a cheese sauce and save some of the grated cheese for the top
Fry some onions to soften as above
Mix cooked spuds, fried onions and cheese sauce in oven proof dish, add peas for colour if you like!
Sprinkle with the remains of the cheese
Bake for 20 -30 minutes gas 6 ish

The white sauce is a learned thing, you need butter or marg and flour (cornflour is always spoken of by posh chefs but ordinary plain flour works fine) and milk
Melt the butter(or marge) don't bubble the butter! stir in the flour (KEEP STIRRING!) when you have a smooth paste (add more flour or fat as necessary) add the milk gradually (KEEP STIRRING!) once all the milk is in the mixture will be quite thin, keep over the heat and KEEP STIRRING. Wait for the sauce to thicken. Once it thickens KEEP STIRRING and take off the heat – add the grated cheese. STIR!

Ok you’re done. The worst that can happen is lumps – and they won’t ‘ruin the sauce’ or kill you

Did I mention it’s vital to KEEP STIRRING!!

Good luck – feel free to add your own panic recipes below as comments.